Tweens dropping one friend from the group

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

The DD who sent the mean texts had very hurt feelings and it is sad that the adults (moms) chose to shame her in that way.

Uh, no. The girl had sent mean texts for two years before the party. She sent them as the Queen Bee to establish the norms she wanted in their group. She decided that everyone should blow-dry their hair straight. My DD and another girl had long thick biracial or AA curly hair that we the moms would allow them to straighten. So she texted our girls that they looked messy. She also sent texts about parents having old cars and how embarrassing it would be to arrive at school in them so only her mom should drive carpool. She made fun of the accents of two dads and told another girl that a “fat future” was ahead of her based on her stocky older sister.

I don’t approve of what the other moms did, but the mean girl’s mom criticized several children on FB for not coming to a party. She could have approached the parents privately in a group or individual texts. She set out to shame them and then learned some unpleasant facts about her own child.

If you are all carpooling why didn't you let the other mom know what was going on and what the issue was. It sounds like all the parents created a huge mess and no one taught the kids how to deal with these things as they come up. Usually when kids act like this there is more to the story and often they are treated this way by others or their family.

Carpooling does imply that other parents have to parent your kid.

If my kid wanted distance from a friend who was being a jerk I would support that decision. It would be really ridiculous to try to talk to the jerk kid’s parents and force a friendship when my kid wanted to move on. It’s also bad parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why the gender secrecy?

Ask your son or daughter if he/she has issues with the excluded kid. That should be a good indicator of the direction you (and DC) should take.

If your kid doesn’t have a problem with the excluded kid, this could be a teachable moment about going along with the pack vs individual opinion. I’m not saying you should tell your kid to take the moral high ground at the risk of social ostracism, but it could be a good conversation starter.

If your kid still likes the excluded kid, maybe suggest he/she make plans just the 2 of them.

If it turns out there are reasons the group is distancing themselves from the other kid, have a conversation about diplomacy and being sensitive to other people’s feelings (even when that person is being crappy).

Either way, I think being totally hands-off isn’t the answer. You don’t have to helicopter, but you can guide your kid to be socially sensitive. Have a dialogue about handling difficult people, or how to tactfully distance yourself from difficult people (even adults have to deal with this). Or, if it’s a mean girl (boy) situation, have a dialogue about social pressure and the whole queen bee thing, and standing up when your friends aren’t being decent.

The gender secrecy is because anytime a child is excluded, certain people always jump to the conclusion of "mean girls"... boys can be jerks to each other too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Your job as aparent is to know what’s going on in your daughters life and the reason she drop the friend. Often children are not forthcoming right when the event happens but will disclose after a few days or weeks if you’re receptive Please realize how cruel this is to that one child and encourage your child to morally and ethically stand by someone who is shunned

I disagree completely. Your job as a parent is to model ethical behavior and encourage them to behave ethically and morally. It is not your job to know all the ups and downs of their various friendships. I went through middle school drama once, and have no desire to go through it a second time vicariously.

You want your kid to be strong coming out of middle school, so you have to know what's going on. As a parent, you have to teach your kid that just as the internet lives on forever, each kid with whom you associate reflects on you. If a kid is awkward, you in turn are awkward for hanging out with that kid. If a kid is dorky, you are dorky.

That's death in middle and high school.

Don't create damage you don't need. Be the kid who has lots of friends, who gets invited to the parties, who has a great time. That makes you socially acceptable as a boyfriend or girlfriend. It gets you good teacher recommendations. It gets you big applause when your name is called at high school graduation.

Save being a dork for grad school or law school. Don't be one now. Be well-rounded.

This is like my middle school brain to a T (late middle school/ early high school). By middle of high school, I had matured out of this and the weird lure of "popularity" faded away (which is good since I was never going to be popular). That was age 16. I thought everyone left this behind at about 16 and now wants something better than this for our kids?