Tweens dropping one friend from the group

[Anonymous]

Why the gender secrecy?

Ask your son or daughter if he/she has issues with the excluded kid. That should be a good indicator of the direction you (and DC) should take.

If your kid doesn’t have a problem with the excluded kid, this could be a teachable moment about going along with the pack vs individual opinion. I’m not saying you should tell your kid to take the moral high ground at the risk of social ostracism, but it could be a good conversation starter.

If your kid still likes the excluded kid, maybe suggest he/she make plans just the 2 of them.

If it turns out there are reasons the group is distancing themselves from the other kid, have a conversation about diplomacy and being sensitive to other people’s feelings (even when that person is being crappy).

Either way, I think being totally hands-off isn’t the answer. You don’t have to helicopter, but you can guide your kid to be socially sensitive. Have a dialogue about handling difficult people, or how to tactfully distance yourself from difficult people (even adults have to deal with this). Or, if it’s a mean girl (boy) situation, have a dialogue about social pressure and the whole queen bee thing, and standing up when your friends aren’t being decent.

[Anonymous]

It’s never right to push a person (especially a longtime friend) out of a group without some type of communication. If they can’t articulate why they don’t want to be with this friend, then they know they’re wrong in doing it and must accept the “mean kid” label. Deliberate hurt is just cruel. Encourage at least one person in the group to reach out to the excluded one with a gentle reason. There is something there prompting the exclusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s never right to push a person (especially a longtime friend) out of a group without some type of communication. If they can’t articulate why they don’t want to be with this friend, then they know they’re wrong in doing it and must accept the “mean kid” label. Deliberate hurt is just cruel. Encourage at least one person in the group to reach out to the excluded one with a gentle reason. There is something there prompting the exclusion.

I'm not sure this is true, PP.
Would you rather have your daughter do a slow fade "sorry, Larla...I'm not available" to a girl OR have her say to the girl "Larla...you're getting more and more awkward to be around and you say embarrassing things around boys and have a really weird sense of humor. You brag so much about your high grades and test scores that it's almost insufferable--yet you don't seem to pick up on all the eye-rolling when you do it. It's just annoying, so I'd just rather hang out with my other friends."
While the statement of fact may be the truth of why DD doesn't want to hang out with Larla, is it necessary or helpful to be so direct? I actually feel like explaining it would be MEANER than just doing a slow back-away. It's not as though "enlightening" Larla is somehow likely to cause her to become less awkward or boastful about her academics. And why make Larla feel bad when it could just be that's who she is?
And maybe DD doesn't completely despise Larla. She just doesn't want to hang with her like she did in elementary school. It happens. But it isn't a reason to make Larla feel bad about who she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

That is disgusting behavior on the part of the adults. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s never right to push a person (especially a longtime friend) out of a group without some type of communication. If they can’t articulate why they don’t want to be with this friend, then they know they’re wrong in doing it and must accept the “mean kid” label. Deliberate hurt is just cruel. Encourage at least one person in the group to reach out to the excluded one with a gentle reason. There is something there prompting the exclusion.

I'm not sure this is true, PP.
Would you rather have your daughter do a slow fade "sorry, Larla...I'm not available" to a girl OR have her say to the girl "Larla...you're getting more and more awkward to be around and you say embarrassing things around boys and have a really weird sense of humor. You brag so much about your high grades and test scores that it's almost insufferable--yet you don't seem to pick up on all the eye-rolling when you do it. It's just annoying, so I'd just rather hang out with my other friends."
While the statement of fact may be the truth of why DD doesn't want to hang out with Larla, is it necessary or helpful to be so direct? I actually feel like explaining it would be MEANER than just doing a slow back-away. It's not as though "enlightening" Larla is somehow likely to cause her to become less awkward or boastful about her academics. And why make Larla feel bad when it could just be that's who she is?
And maybe DD doesn't completely despise Larla. She just doesn't want to hang with her like she did in elementary school. It happens. But it isn't a reason to make Larla feel bad about who she is.

Yeah I agree with the PP here. The stuff in bold is a bad idea because if one friend reaches out as a representative of "the group" to tell why "they" don't want to hang out with her anymore, then they are claiming the Mean Girls vs. Larla status. At this age, what would a "gentle reason" be anyway? Bottom line is that Larla will still hear "we don't like you"--and that isn't gentle at any age.

[Anonymous]

Friendships ebb and flow but the school environment where you are together everyday with the same people makes it hard for that happen naturally. You can't really distance yourself and everyone knows what everyone else is doing.

I am fine with my kids changing their friend groups and have told them the same will happen to them. Goal is to help them realize this is part of becoming resilient and part of normal life. It is always good to do some self reflection and to be open to why the friendship might have changed but often it isn't because anyone did something wrong but rather people grew apart for any number of reasons. I also tell them that these are nuanced and difficult dynamics for even adults so you need to give some leeway as teens may not always say or do the best thing in their efforts to shift friendship dynamics. It takes some time and skill to figure out how to gracefully and respectfully change a friendship and even if you do it the best way possible, the other person may still feel hurt as their experience with the friendship was different from yours. The same will be true when a friend moves on from them - they may not get it at all and be very hurt but that doesn't mean the friend did anything wrong - although their communication style may not be well developed for these kinds of conversations and transitions.

[Anonymous]

Teach your child to be kind to others, and to go against the grain when in a bad situation. Actively being involved in a group that is excluding one person in particular is a bad situation. Tell your kid to aim higher, to stand up for others, and to be able to walk alone when necessary. It's okay to walk alone than stand with a group of jerks.

It's really that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

That is disgusting behavior on the part of the adults. Wow.

It absolutely was.

The only bright side was that it alleviated what was at that point over 12 months of adult pressure on my DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach your child to be kind to others, and to go against the grain when in a bad situation. Actively being involved in a group that is excluding one person in particular is a bad situation. Tell your kid to aim higher, to stand up for others, and to be able to walk alone when necessary. It's okay to walk alone than stand with a group of jerks.

It's really that simple.

How about if the kid is vaping at school and his old friends are afraid of getting caught with him? Or has a terrible temper that freaks the other kids out? (This happened in one of my children’s friend groups.) Or is racist or unusually preoccupied with porn? It might look to the kid’s parents or even teachers that he’s being cruelly excluded.

[Anonymous]

Gosh I'm guessing this is about OPs 'daughter'. This sounds very sad for the excluded child. As a parent I think OP should encourage her child to invite the other child over occasionally, remain friendly at least - unless there is a serious reason why not (unlikely).
I have two teen boys and nothing like this has ever happened, there has been no friend problems at all - and there have been a lot of teen boys coming and going over the years. They all seem very laid back. All still friends.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a child who had this happen to them, I resent some of the responses here. It is totally okay for friends and friend groups to shift, and unfortunately that means some kids will be pushed out of a group. However, to act as if it is always “caused” by the kid who is pushed out is to ignore the reality that is middle school aged kids can just be mean and seek to exclude someone for something as simple as they don’t have as much money, they are not physically maturing as quickly, they have a learning disability and are not as “fast” intellectually, they are not as athletic, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a child who had this happen to them, I resent some of the responses here. It is totally okay for friends and friend groups to shift, and unfortunately that means some kids will be pushed out of a group. However, to act as if it is always “caused” by the kid who is pushed out is to ignore the reality that is middle school aged kids can just be mean and seek to exclude someone for something as simple as they don’t have as much money, they are not physically maturing as quickly, they have a learning disability and are not as “fast” intellectually, they are not as athletic, whatever.

No one has said it is always the fault of the kid pushed out. You are triggered by your own child’s experience. Hopefully, your child has a nice group of friends again, but you might want to talk to someone yourself.

[Anonymous]

My 11 yo DD was pushed out of a friend group when she stood up to queen bee who was trying to get another kid ostracized from the group. The QB then had my DD ostracized. She was then excluded until QB decided to move onto a different group. We are supporting our DD in continuing to support her kindness , feeling of competence. Self-confidence was shaken. No easy answers. Seems to be once bitten twice shy situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11 yo DD was pushed out of a friend group when she stood up to queen bee who was trying to get another kid ostracized from the group. The QB then had my DD ostracized. She was then excluded until QB decided to move onto a different group. We are supporting our DD in continuing to support her kindness , feeling of competence. Self-confidence was shaken. No easy answers. Seems to be once bitten twice shy situation.

Good job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would depend on the reason for the shift-is the kid being mean and the rest of the group doesn’t want to put up with it anymore or is the rest of the group feeling like they are now too cool for the kid?

We watched this happen. It can be hard for girls to disclose. My DD was the first to drop her best friend of 8 years. She wouldn’t tell why and faced a lot of criticism from well-meaning adults. A year later, no one came to the friend’s birthday party so her mom took to FB to slam the mean girls at the school. Two moms responded with screenshots of horrible things her DD had texted their DDs.

I am going to guess that mean mom did show the things her daughter wrote to make the girl say mean things back. I remember girls doing this when I was young and my mom would not stand for it. I am so glad she made me be nice when I didn’t feel like it. You don’t have to be best friends but you do not just dump someone. This stuff is happening at our child’s school and I am on it. I have prevented my daughter from dumping a friend who was about to be shunned for no reason from the group. The whole hung blew over thank god. I did notice there is one queen bee. She is awful and I have no idea why my dd wants to be friends with her but she will have to figure that out but I will not allow the meanness.