Am I wrong to be mad at DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset. Not contemplating divorce, but upset. Even if he immediately broke up with her after the date, the date itself was still an infidelity, and I would never want to be a part of someone’s infidelity. By withholding that piece of information, especially for so long, he would have been taking away my agency to make a decision about the relationship with a full understanding of who he was.

Do you really take yourself that seriously? You’re literally using the word “infidelity” and ascribing it to one date by a person who was neither married or engaged.
Wow.

I suspect that if you’d asked his girlfriend of one year back when they were still dating if she would be cool with her boyfriend dating other people, she would have said no. So yes, infidelity. Depending on the circumstances, I might have gone ahead with the relationship just the same, but by keeping it a secret he would have taken away my ability to make that choice for myself, which is at best disrespectful.

And really, he knows it was wrong or he wouldn’t have withheld the information for 14 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just found out I was the other woman when we met. He had a girlfriend of about a year when we met. He was seeing her until after our first date and then he broke up with her. I had zero clue about her then, and he apparently never thought to bring it up until I read him that stupid boyfriend/girlfriend thread. I think what’s bothering me most is 14 years later he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. His excuse is “ we weren’t married and he was young“ and when I pointed out he wasn’t that young ( 30 ) and that I never overlapped even when young, he just said “ it’s a guy thing “ and he “ never did it other times”. Like that was supposed to make me feel special! I asked him if he would have ended if he hadn’t met me and he just shrugged. He doesn’t see why I’m upset and thinks I’m being silly. because it was so long ago and we’re happy together and have a life and family together, which is true. But if it was no big deal why didn’t he tell me years ago? Plus this changes our whole story which I always thought was cute. So am I being ridiculous ? I’m not making him sleep on the couch or anything. I’m just mad.

You need some real problems to worry about. Ridiculous doesn’t begin to cover you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Quite the leap to call op husband a cheater

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies.

But her DH didn't cheat. They weren't in a committed relationship at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset. Not contemplating divorce, but upset. Even if he immediately broke up with her after the date, the date itself was still an infidelity,

No, no, no! That's crazy! OP and her future DH were not married. They weren't even "going steady". There is no infidelity where there is no commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset. Not contemplating divorce, but upset. Even if he immediately broke up with her after the date, the date itself was still an infidelity,

No, no, no! That's crazy! OP and her future DH were not married. They weren't even "going steady". There is no infidelity where there is no commitment.

You are really frantic to convince people that a year-long relationship carries no expectation of monogamy if there isn’t a ring involved. Why is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset. Not contemplating divorce, but upset. Even if he immediately broke up with her after the date, the date itself was still an infidelity,

No, no, no! That's crazy! OP and her future DH were not married. They weren't even "going steady". There is no infidelity where there is no commitment.

You are really frantic to convince people that a year-long relationship carries no expectation of monogamy if there isn’t a ring involved. Why is that?

Monogamy? Dude went on a date. He didn’t go on a sex cruise with OP.
It’s time for your meds, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset. Not contemplating divorce, but upset. Even if he immediately broke up with her after the date, the date itself was still an infidelity,

No, no, no! That's crazy! OP and her future DH were not married. They weren't even "going steady". There is no infidelity where there is no commitment.

You are really frantic to convince people that a year-long relationship carries no expectation of monogamy if there isn’t a ring involved. Why is that?

Monogamy? Dude went on a date. He didn’t go on a sex cruise with OP.
It’s time for your meds, PP.

Your reaction is very extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Wait, so after 14 years of being married to someone, you wouldn’t be able to let go the fact that your spouse went on one date with you while he was about to end a relationship with someone else? You’re just as cracked in the head as OP. Do the two of you go to the same middle school?

Correct. No, I would not be able to forget that he had a girlfriend of a year. A year! Hello!! That isn’t a casual relationship, and he admitted he wasn’t looking to dump her. It’s gross behavior contrary to the person she thought she knew, and it’s why she can’t shake it.

Op here. I think this is where I am. It changes things . We’re no longer 2 thirty something introverts who met randomly on the T because my car was in the shop. Now there’s a third person in the story who was hurt. He didn’t give me the choice to say if I wanted to be the reason they broke up. Worst of all he doesn’t see the issue. Yes I’ll get over it and I won’t divorce him, but those memories will now always be a little tainted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies.

But her DH didn't cheat. They weren't in a committed relationship at the time.

Are you dense? The guy cheated on his girlfriend of a year when he asked a stranger (OP) out a date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Quite the leap to call op husband a cheater

To be clear, he’s a cheater. OPs husband cheated on a prior girlfriend. He made a date with someone while in a year-long relationship with someone else, someone who he planned to keep seeing if OPs date with him had been a dud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Broke up with her after one date with you? I wouldn’t think of that as cheating. Maybe not ideal, but not the same as cheating.

I was dating someone way older when I met DW. It was a relationship but mostly FWB. She knew that I would meet someone I would want to date seriously and when I did and wanted to be exclusive with my DW I committed to her. Yes, overlap for like a week but who cares. Sometimes it takes a few days to pull the plug on someone you’re plugging...

Does your wife know this?

Yes, and I wasn’t sleeping with her and the other (much older) woman at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Broke up with her after one date with you? I wouldn’t think of that as cheating. Maybe not ideal, but not the same as cheating.

I was dating someone way older when I met DW. It was a relationship but mostly FWB. She knew that I would meet someone I would want to date seriously and when I did and wanted to be exclusive with my DW I committed to her. Yes, overlap for like a week but who cares. Sometimes it takes a few days to pull the plug on someone you’re plugging...

Does your wife know this?

Yes, and I wasn’t sleeping with her and the other (much older) woman at the same time.

Your ex being older doesn’t make you less of a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset. Not contemplating divorce, but upset. Even if he immediately broke up with her after the date, the date itself was still an infidelity,

No, no, no! That's crazy! OP and her future DH were not married. They weren't even "going steady". There is no infidelity where there is no commitment.

You are really frantic to convince people that a year-long relationship carries no expectation of monogamy if there isn’t a ring involved. Why is that?

Because there is no such expectation. Either one can break up at any time, and owes the other nothing. Simple reality.

[Anonymous]

So there was a one date overlap? Get over yourself.

Maybe his previous relationship wasn't serious? Or it wasn't going well?

Anyways, you should be flattered that he broke up with her after one date with you.