Am I wrong to be mad at DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies.

But her DH didn't cheat. They weren't in a committed relationship at the time.

Are you dense? The guy cheated on his girlfriend of a year when he asked a stranger (OP) out a date.

Are you dense? They weren't married. No obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies.

But her DH didn't cheat. They weren't in a committed relationship at the time.

Are you dense? The guy cheated on his girlfriend of a year when he asked a stranger (OP) out a date.

I assume op didn’t sleep with him on the first date. While it’s not great that he hadn’t ended the first relationship before going out with op, I wouldn’t call a single date “cheating”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset. Not contemplating divorce, but upset. Even if he immediately broke up with her after the date, the date itself was still an infidelity,

No, no, no! That's crazy! OP and her future DH were not married. They weren't even "going steady". There is no infidelity where there is no commitment.

You are really frantic to convince people that a year-long relationship carries no expectation of monogamy if there isn’t a ring involved. Why is that?

Because there is no such expectation. Either one can break up at any time, and owes the other nothing. Simple reality.

How about you move out of your parents’ basement before you try to have grown-up conversations, okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Wait, so after 14 years of being married to someone, you wouldn’t be able to let go the fact that your spouse went on one date with you while he was about to end a relationship with someone else? You’re just as cracked in the head as OP. Do the two of you go to the same middle school?

Correct. No, I would not be able to forget that he had a girlfriend of a year. A year! Hello!! That isn’t a casual relationship, and he admitted he wasn’t looking to dump her. It’s gross behavior contrary to the person she thought she knew, and it’s why she can’t shake it.

Op here. I think this is where I am. It changes things . We’re no longer 2 thirty something introverts who met randomly on the T because my car was in the shop. Now there’s a third person in the story who was hurt. He didn’t give me the choice to say if I wanted to be the reason they broke up. Worst of all he doesn’t see the issue. Yes I’ll get over it and I won’t divorce him, but those memories will now always be a little tainted.

You are looking for problems that aren’t there.

Stay off of DCUM. Don’t read him anymore threads.

People have lives, a history. If you can’t take the truth without getting all worked up about something as stupid as this - why would he trust you with something monumental?

Stay off of DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Wait, so after 14 years of being married to someone, you wouldn’t be able to let go the fact that your spouse went on one date with you while he was about to end a relationship with someone else? You’re just as cracked in the head as OP. Do the two of you go to the same middle school?

Correct. No, I would not be able to forget that he had a girlfriend of a year. A year! Hello!! That isn’t a casual relationship, and he admitted he wasn’t looking to dump her. It’s gross behavior contrary to the person she thought she knew, and it’s why she can’t shake it.

Op here. I think this is where I am. It changes things . We’re no longer 2 thirty something introverts who met randomly on the T because my car was in the shop. Now there’s a third person in the story who was hurt. He didn’t give me the choice to say if I wanted to be the reason they broke up. Worst of all he doesn’t see the issue. Yes I’ll get over it and I won’t divorce him, but those memories will now always be a little tainted.

You are looking for problems that aren’t there.

Stay off of DCUM. Don’t read him anymore threads.

People have lives, a history. If you can’t take the truth without getting all worked up about something as stupid as this - why would he trust you with something monumental?

Stay off of DCUM.

If she can’t trust him to be honest about something supposedly so trivial, how can she trust he’d be honest with her about something monumental?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset. Not contemplating divorce, but upset. Even if he immediately broke up with her after the date, the date itself was still an infidelity,

No, no, no! That's crazy! OP and her future DH were not married. They weren't even "going steady". There is no infidelity where there is no commitment.

You are really frantic to convince people that a year-long relationship carries no expectation of monogamy if there isn’t a ring involved. Why is that?

Because there is no such expectation. Either one can break up at any time, and owes the other nothing. Simple reality.

How about you move out of your parents’ basement before you try to have grown-up conversations, okay?

How about you grow up and realize that someone you're not married to can dump you at any moment and there's nothing you can do about it, okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be upset. Not contemplating divorce, but upset. Even if he immediately broke up with her after the date, the date itself was still an infidelity,

No, no, no! That's crazy! OP and her future DH were not married. They weren't even "going steady". There is no infidelity where there is no commitment.

You are really frantic to convince people that a year-long relationship carries no expectation of monogamy if there isn’t a ring involved. Why is that?

Because there is no such expectation. Either one can break up at any time, and owes the other nothing. Simple reality.

How about you move out of your parents’ basement before you try to have grown-up conversations, okay?

How about you grow up and realize that someone you're not married to can dump you at any moment and there's nothing you can do about it, okay?

Um, marriage doesn’t keep that from happening. If your spouse decides to divorce you, you’re dumped and there’s nothing you can do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Wait, so after 14 years of being married to someone, you wouldn’t be able to let go the fact that your spouse went on one date with you while he was about to end a relationship with someone else? You’re just as cracked in the head as OP. Do the two of you go to the same middle school?

Correct. No, I would not be able to forget that he had a girlfriend of a year. A year! Hello!! That isn’t a casual relationship, and he admitted he wasn’t looking to dump her. It’s gross behavior contrary to the person she thought she knew, and it’s why she can’t shake it.

Op here. I think this is where I am. It changes things . We’re no longer 2 thirty something introverts who met randomly on the T because my car was in the shop. Now there’s a third person in the story who was hurt. He didn’t give me the choice to say if I wanted to be the reason they broke up. Worst of all he doesn’t see the issue. Yes I’ll get over it and I won’t divorce him, but those memories will now always be a little tainted.

You are looking for problems that aren’t there.

Stay off of DCUM. Don’t read him anymore threads.

People have lives, a history. If you can’t take the truth without getting all worked up about something as stupid as this - why would he trust you with something monumental?

Stay off of DCUM.

If she can’t trust him to be honest about something supposedly so trivial, how can she trust he’d be honest with her about something monumental?

NP here and I can't believe it. Some people just can't be happy about anything and go out of their way to make things difficult. It was bad judgment on his part, but it was 14 years ago. Get over it. Move on. You've had 14 good years together and you seem to be happy, but you're going to create drama and taint the memories that you have just because you don't like his lapse in judgment way back when.

Why can't you just acknowledge that he was human and he made the mistake of going on a date with you rather than being honest with the ex-GF and telling her that their relationship wasn't going anywhere before he dated you. So he wanted to keep his FWB relationship just in case the date with you didn't work out and he didn't tell her. Yes, he should have been honest with her or broken up with her before going on a date with you, but he didn't. He also did not string her along for an eternity. If they were only a couple for a year, it's likely that he only realized the relationship wasn't going anywhere the last month or two before he went on the date with you. Would it really have made that much of a difference to you if he had broken up with her the day before your date instead of the day after your date? Are you going to make waves in your marriage, doubt your trust in your partner, and taint your memories because of that?

If you are going to hold him to such high standards, I hope you are perfect and never once have a lapse in judgment. He's human. Human's make mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, this one was not that big of a problem unless you make it one. Grow up and get past this without adding friction to your marriage because you want to be all high and mighty and superior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Wait, so after 14 years of being married to someone, you wouldn’t be able to let go the fact that your spouse went on one date with you while he was about to end a relationship with someone else? You’re just as cracked in the head as OP. Do the two of you go to the same middle school?

Correct. No, I would not be able to forget that he had a girlfriend of a year. A year! Hello!! That isn’t a casual relationship, and he admitted he wasn’t looking to dump her. It’s gross behavior contrary to the person she thought she knew, and it’s why she can’t shake it.

Op here. I think this is where I am. It changes things . We’re no longer 2 thirty something introverts who met randomly on the T because my car was in the shop. Now there’s a third person in the story who was hurt. He didn’t give me the choice to say if I wanted to be the reason they broke up. Worst of all he doesn’t see the issue. Yes I’ll get over it and I won’t divorce him, but those memories will now always be a little tainted.

You are looking for problems that aren’t there.

Stay off of DCUM. Don’t read him anymore threads.

People have lives, a history. If you can’t take the truth without getting all worked up about something as stupid as this - why would he trust you with something monumental?

Stay off of DCUM.

If she can’t trust him to be honest about something supposedly so trivial, how can she trust he’d be honest with her about something monumental?

NP here and I can't believe it. Some people just can't be happy about anything and go out of their way to make things difficult. It was bad judgment on his part, but it was 14 years ago. Get over it. Move on. You've had 14 good years together and you seem to be happy, but you're going to create drama and taint the memories that you have just because you don't like his lapse in judgment way back when.

Why can't you just acknowledge that he was human and he made the mistake of going on a date with you rather than being honest with the ex-GF and telling her that their relationship wasn't going anywhere before he dated you. So he wanted to keep his FWB relationship just in case the date with you didn't work out and he didn't tell her. Yes, he should have been honest with her or broken up with her before going on a date with you, but he didn't. He also did not string her along for an eternity. If they were only a couple for a year, it's likely that he only realized the relationship wasn't going anywhere the last month or two before he went on the date with you. Would it really have made that much of a difference to you if he had broken up with her the day before your date instead of the day after your date? Are you going to make waves in your marriage, doubt your trust in your partner, and taint your memories because of that?

If you are going to hold him to such high standards, I hope you are perfect and never once have a lapse in judgment. He's human. Human's make mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, this one was not that big of a problem unless you make it one. Grow up and get past this without adding friction to your marriage because you want to be all high and mighty and superior.

Your argument would hold more water if OP’s husband were willing to acknowledge he did something hurtful rather than trying to minimize/dismiss it. If it were my husband, it would make me wonder if he’d ever done something comparable to me and excused it as no big deal.

[Anonymous]

How is it overlapping if he broke it off with her after your first date. That is NOT the definition of overlapping. Overlapping is if he continued to date her, or especially, have sex with her for some period of time while dating and/or having sex with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Wait, so after 14 years of being married to someone, you wouldn’t be able to let go the fact that your spouse went on one date with you while he was about to end a relationship with someone else? You’re just as cracked in the head as OP. Do the two of you go to the same middle school?

Correct. No, I would not be able to forget that he had a girlfriend of a year. A year! Hello!! That isn’t a casual relationship, and he admitted he wasn’t looking to dump her. It’s gross behavior contrary to the person she thought she knew, and it’s why she can’t shake it.

Op here. I think this is where I am. It changes things . We’re no longer 2 thirty something introverts who met randomly on the T because my car was in the shop. Now there’s a third person in the story who was hurt. He didn’t give me the choice to say if I wanted to be the reason they broke up. Worst of all he doesn’t see the issue. Yes I’ll get over it and I won’t divorce him, but those memories will now always be a little tainted.

You are looking for problems that aren’t there.

Stay off of DCUM. Don’t read him anymore threads.

People have lives, a history. If you can’t take the truth without getting all worked up about something as stupid as this - why would he trust you with something monumental?

Stay off of DCUM.

If she can’t trust him to be honest about something supposedly so trivial, how can she trust he’d be honest with her about something monumental?

NP here and I can't believe it. Some people just can't be happy about anything and go out of their way to make things difficult. It was bad judgment on his part, but it was 14 years ago. Get over it. Move on. You've had 14 good years together and you seem to be happy, but you're going to create drama and taint the memories that you have just because you don't like his lapse in judgment way back when.

Why can't you just acknowledge that he was human and he made the mistake of going on a date with you rather than being honest with the ex-GF and telling her that their relationship wasn't going anywhere before he dated you. So he wanted to keep his FWB relationship just in case the date with you didn't work out and he didn't tell her. Yes, he should have been honest with her or broken up with her before going on a date with you, but he didn't. He also did not string her along for an eternity. If they were only a couple for a year, it's likely that he only realized the relationship wasn't going anywhere the last month or two before he went on the date with you. Would it really have made that much of a difference to you if he had broken up with her the day before your date instead of the day after your date? Are you going to make waves in your marriage, doubt your trust in your partner, and taint your memories because of that?

If you are going to hold him to such high standards, I hope you are perfect and never once have a lapse in judgment. He's human. Human's make mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, this one was not that big of a problem unless you make it one. Grow up and get past this without adding friction to your marriage because you want to be all high and mighty and superior.

Your argument would hold more water if OP’s husband were willing to acknowledge he did something hurtful rather than trying to minimize/dismiss it. If it were my husband, it would make me wonder if he’d ever done something comparable to me and excused it as no big deal.

Except most of the people in this thread agree that it wasn’t really a big deal then, and it definitely isn’t now.

It would never occur to me to “come clean” about something like that because it’s between me and the other person. And he ended that relationship after the first date with OP, so that’s resolved between them. I don’t consider not telling someone that info lying or keeping secrets because it’s just not important info they have a right to. It never would’ve occurred to me to share.

If I were the DH, I’d probably say I’m sorry you’re hurt or I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d be thinking I’m sorry I shared something personal with you and I’d be more guarded after this. Seriously, after 14 years? That’s so weird. I’d be afraid the OP would find fault with everything I say after a situation like that and I’d never volunteer any nonessential information to her so she can’t twist it to make herself a victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Wait, so after 14 years of being married to someone, you wouldn’t be able to let go the fact that your spouse went on one date with you while he was about to end a relationship with someone else? You’re just as cracked in the head as OP. Do the two of you go to the same middle school?

Correct. No, I would not be able to forget that he had a girlfriend of a year. A year! Hello!! That isn’t a casual relationship, and he admitted he wasn’t looking to dump her. It’s gross behavior contrary to the person she thought she knew, and it’s why she can’t shake it.

Op here. I think this is where I am. It changes things . We’re no longer 2 thirty something introverts who met randomly on the T because my car was in the shop. Now there’s a third person in the story who was hurt. He didn’t give me the choice to say if I wanted to be the reason they broke up. Worst of all he doesn’t see the issue. Yes I’ll get over it and I won’t divorce him, but those memories will now always be a little tainted.

You are looking for problems that aren’t there.

Stay off of DCUM. Don’t read him anymore threads.

People have lives, a history. If you can’t take the truth without getting all worked up about something as stupid as this - why would he trust you with something monumental?

Stay off of DCUM.

If she can’t trust him to be honest about something supposedly so trivial, how can she trust he’d be honest with her about something monumental?

NP here and I can't believe it. Some people just can't be happy about anything and go out of their way to make things difficult. It was bad judgment on his part, but it was 14 years ago. Get over it. Move on. You've had 14 good years together and you seem to be happy, but you're going to create drama and taint the memories that you have just because you don't like his lapse in judgment way back when.

Why can't you just acknowledge that he was human and he made the mistake of going on a date with you rather than being honest with the ex-GF and telling her that their relationship wasn't going anywhere before he dated you. So he wanted to keep his FWB relationship just in case the date with you didn't work out and he didn't tell her. Yes, he should have been honest with her or broken up with her before going on a date with you, but he didn't. He also did not string her along for an eternity. If they were only a couple for a year, it's likely that he only realized the relationship wasn't going anywhere the last month or two before he went on the date with you. Would it really have made that much of a difference to you if he had broken up with her the day before your date instead of the day after your date? Are you going to make waves in your marriage, doubt your trust in your partner, and taint your memories because of that?

If you are going to hold him to such high standards, I hope you are perfect and never once have a lapse in judgment. He's human. Human's make mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, this one was not that big of a problem unless you make it one. Grow up and get past this without adding friction to your marriage because you want to be all high and mighty and superior.

Your argument would hold more water if OP’s husband were willing to acknowledge he did something hurtful rather than trying to minimize/dismiss it. If it were my husband, it would make me wonder if he’d ever done something comparable to me and excused it as no big deal.

Except most of the people in this thread agree that it wasn’t really a big deal then, and it definitely isn’t now.

It would never occur to me to “come clean” about something like that because it’s between me and the other person. And he ended that relationship after the first date with OP, so that’s resolved between them. I don’t consider not telling someone that info lying or keeping secrets because it’s just not important info they have a right to. It never would’ve occurred to me to share.

If I were the DH, I’d probably say I’m sorry you’re hurt or I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d be thinking I’m sorry I shared something personal with you and I’d be more guarded after this. Seriously, after 14 years? That’s so weird. I’d be afraid the OP would find fault with everything I say after a situation like that and I’d never volunteer any nonessential information to her so she can’t twist it to make herself a victim.

Wow, you’re really manipulative. Someone has a negative reaction to you, and you turn it back on them to punish them and threaten them if they ever have a negative reaction again? You realize that’s exactly the opposite of the open and forthcoming relationship you claim to be arguing for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Agree 100%. It would really taint the romance of our relationship origin story. Especially since he sees nothing wrong wth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies.

But her DH didn't cheat. They weren't in a committed relationship at the time.

Are you dense? The guy cheated on his girlfriend of a year when he asked a stranger (OP) out a date.

I assume op didn’t sleep with him on the first date. While it’s not great that he hadn’t ended the first relationship before going out with op, I wouldn’t call a single date “cheating”.

That is because you are of low character. If girlfriend wasn’t invited on a romantic date with boyfriend and OP, then that date was cheating. Whether you are married or not, the social convention is to date/be with one person at a time unless mutually agreed. Just because you have low moral standards doesn’t mean that it isn’t the social norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies.

But her DH didn't cheat. They weren't in a committed relationship at the time.

Are you dense? The guy cheated on his girlfriend of a year when he asked a stranger (OP) out a date.

I assume op didn’t sleep with him on the first date. While it’s not great that he hadn’t ended the first relationship before going out with op, I wouldn’t call a single date “cheating”.

Would you still feel that way if your spouse started going out on some first dates?