Am I wrong to be mad at DH?

[Anonymous]

Are you dense? They weren't married. No obligation.

No obligations outside of marriage? Uh, no, you do owe people certain consideration. You do owe a significant other fidelity. Unless you wish to grow old alone.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies.

But her DH didn't cheat. They weren't in a committed relationship at the time.

Are you dense? The guy cheated on his girlfriend of a year when he asked a stranger (OP) out a date.

I assume op didn’t sleep with him on the first date. While it’s not great that he hadn’t ended the first relationship before going out with op, I wouldn’t call a single date “cheating”.

Would you still feel that way if your spouse started going out on some first dates?

I’m sorry, was op’s Dh married to that other woman?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would be upset. Not contemplating divorce, but upset. Even if he immediately broke up with her after the date, the date itself was still an infidelity,

No, no, no! That's crazy! OP and her future DH were not married. They weren't even "going steady". There is no infidelity where there is no commitment.

You are really frantic to convince people that a year-long relationship carries no expectation of monogamy if there isn’t a ring involved. Why is that?

Because there is no such expectation. Either one can break up at any time, and owes the other nothing. Simple reality.

That is just not true. You are a freak. Pathetic. People like you should be required to have that opinion written on your forehead before marriage. Then let’s see how many women are willing to date you once let alone exclusively for an entire year. Oh I can tell you: ZERO!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are you dense? They weren't married. No obligation.

No obligations outside of marriage? Uh, no, you do owe people certain consideration. You do owe a significant other fidelity. Unless you wish to grow old alone.

And he did the right thing by breaking up with the first woman after meeting op and realizing he wanted to be with her instead. Had he continued that first relationship he would have been a cad, but he didn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are you dense? They weren't married. No obligation.

No obligations outside of marriage? Uh, no, you do owe people certain consideration. You do owe a significant other fidelity. Unless you wish to grow old alone.

And he gave her that consideration. He broke up with her when he realized he had found someone else he wanted to be with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you dense? They weren't married. No obligation.

No obligations outside of marriage? Uh, no, you do owe people certain consideration. You do owe a significant other fidelity. Unless you wish to grow old alone.

And he gave her that consideration. He broke up with her when he realized he had found someone else he wanted to be with.

Testing out other people while pretending to be in an exclusive relationship is not the definition of fidelity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you dense? They weren't married. No obligation.

No obligations outside of marriage? Uh, no, you do owe people certain consideration. You do owe a significant other fidelity. Unless you wish to grow old alone.

And he gave her that consideration. He broke up with her when he realized he had found someone else he wanted to be with.

That is not what defines a cheater. Your defensiveness leads me to believe you have gone on at least one date without your partner present and want to rationalize that as something socially acceptable because you would have broken up with your partner (out of your thoughtfulness and consideration of partner’s feelings ) if the date had gone well. That is not socially acceptable behavior no matter how much you want it to be so.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’d be annoyed. People who cheat have character deficiencies. Not sure what I’d do - maybe nothing in consideration of the 14 years since, but I’d never be able to get it out of my mind. If he rationalized it once, I would always be thinking he could rationalize it again.

Wait, so after 14 years of being married to someone, you wouldn’t be able to let go the fact that your spouse went on one date with you while he was about to end a relationship with someone else? You’re just as cracked in the head as OP. Do the two of you go to the same middle school?

Correct. No, I would not be able to forget that he had a girlfriend of a year. A year! Hello!! That isn’t a casual relationship, and he admitted he wasn’t looking to dump her. It’s gross behavior contrary to the person she thought she knew, and it’s why she can’t shake it.

Op here. I think this is where I am. It changes things . We’re no longer 2 thirty something introverts who met randomly on the T because my car was in the shop. Now there’s a third person in the story who was hurt. He didn’t give me the choice to say if I wanted to be the reason they broke up. Worst of all he doesn’t see the issue. Yes I’ll get over it and I won’t divorce him, but those memories will now always be a little tainted.

You are looking for problems that aren’t there.

Stay off of DCUM. Don’t read him anymore threads.

People have lives, a history. If you can’t take the truth without getting all worked up about something as stupid as this - why would he trust you with something monumental?

Stay off of DCUM.

If she can’t trust him to be honest about something supposedly so trivial, how can she trust he’d be honest with her about something monumental?

NP here and I can't believe it. Some people just can't be happy about anything and go out of their way to make things difficult. It was bad judgment on his part, but it was 14 years ago. Get over it. Move on. You've had 14 good years together and you seem to be happy, but you're going to create drama and taint the memories that you have just because you don't like his lapse in judgment way back when.

Why can't you just acknowledge that he was human and he made the mistake of going on a date with you rather than being honest with the ex-GF and telling her that their relationship wasn't going anywhere before he dated you. So he wanted to keep his FWB relationship just in case the date with you didn't work out and he didn't tell her. Yes, he should have been honest with her or broken up with her before going on a date with you, but he didn't. He also did not string her along for an eternity. If they were only a couple for a year, it's likely that he only realized the relationship wasn't going anywhere the last month or two before he went on the date with you. Would it really have made that much of a difference to you if he had broken up with her the day before your date instead of the day after your date? Are you going to make waves in your marriage, doubt your trust in your partner, and taint your memories because of that?

If you are going to hold him to such high standards, I hope you are perfect and never once have a lapse in judgment. He's human. Human's make mistakes. In the grand scheme of things, this one was not that big of a problem unless you make it one. Grow up and get past this without adding friction to your marriage because you want to be all high and mighty and superior.

Your argument would hold more water if OP’s husband were willing to acknowledge he did something hurtful rather than trying to minimize/dismiss it. If it were my husband, it would make me wonder if he’d ever done something comparable to me and excused it as no big deal.

Except most of the people in this thread agree that it wasn’t really a big deal then, and it definitely isn’t now.

It would never occur to me to “come clean” about something like that because it’s between me and the other person. And he ended that relationship after the first date with OP, so that’s resolved between them. I don’t consider not telling someone that info lying or keeping secrets because it’s just not important info they have a right to. It never would’ve occurred to me to share.

If I were the DH, I’d probably say I’m sorry you’re hurt or I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d be thinking I’m sorry I shared something personal with you and I’d be more guarded after this. Seriously, after 14 years? That’s so weird. I’d be afraid the OP would find fault with everything I say after a situation like that and I’d never volunteer any nonessential information to her so she can’t twist it to make herself a victim.

Wow, you’re really manipulative. Someone has a negative reaction to you, and you turn it back on them to punish them and threaten them if they ever have a negative reaction again? You realize that’s exactly the opposite of the open and forthcoming relationship you claim to be arguing for?

It’s funny you say that. That’s what I see her doing.

But no, not manipulative. If I tell a story about that time I went to New Orleans, and DH got bent out of shape because we’ve been together 20 years and I never mentioned that trip before, I’d stop talking about my travel history unless asked a direct question. I don’t like running through minefields, especially when they’re so random and unnecessary. Just because I didn’t mention that trip before doesn’t mean I lied about going or was keeping a secret. It just means it never seemed relevant so I never thought to bring it up. Fortunately DH is quite reasonable and when things like that happen he just says “cool, I didn’t know you’d been to New Orleans.”

[Anonymous]

When people have to contort themselves so much to excuse poor behavior in others, you have to wonder what they’re trying to justify excusing in their own partners. If your now-husband had approached you when you first met and said, “Hey, I have a long-term girlfriend, but wanna get a drink so I can decide if you’re worth dumping her for,” would that really have given you no pause at all? If not, you need to work on your self-respect.

[Anonymous]

The OP is being ridiculous. All the people who are trying to turn this into a big moral issue are also being ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When people have to contort themselves so much to excuse poor behavior in others, you have to wonder what they’re trying to justify excusing in their own partners. If your now-husband had approached you when you first met and said, “Hey, I have a long-term girlfriend, but wanna get a drink so I can decide if you’re worth dumping her for,” would that really have given you no pause at all? If not, you need to work on your self-respect.

THIS. ^^^

Your husband sounds like a jackass

I’d be mad at him too.

He willing went on a date and cheated with no remorse.
Makes you wonder what else he has done and justified all these years
To your face or behind your back
What a scum.

[Anonymous]

This all happened 14 yrs ago? Are you looking to stir the pot for no good reason? Most people let bygones be bygones especially the petty ones like this OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you dense? They weren't married. No obligation.

No obligations outside of marriage? Uh, no, you do owe people certain consideration. You do owe a significant other fidelity. Unless you wish to grow old alone.

And he gave her that consideration. He broke up with her when he realized he had found someone else he wanted to be with.

Testing out other people while pretending to be in an exclusive relationship is not the definition of fidelity.

The only exclusive relationships are engagement or marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you dense? They weren't married. No obligation.

No obligations outside of marriage? Uh, no, you do owe people certain consideration. You do owe a significant other fidelity. Unless you wish to grow old alone.

And he gave her that consideration. He broke up with her when he realized he had found someone else he wanted to be with.

Testing out other people while pretending to be in an exclusive relationship is not the definition of fidelity.

The only exclusive relationships are engagement or marriage.

We heard you the first 17 times. Your atypical moral code is not as compelling as you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you dense? They weren't married. No obligation.

No obligations outside of marriage? Uh, no, you do owe people certain consideration. You do owe a significant other fidelity. Unless you wish to grow old alone.

And he gave her that consideration. He broke up with her when he realized he had found someone else he wanted to be with.

Testing out other people while pretending to be in an exclusive relationship is not the definition of fidelity.

The only exclusive relationships are engagement or marriage.

We heard you the first 17 times. Your atypical moral code is not as compelling as you think.

First time poster, actually, so my moral code may not be as atypical as you think. Dating ain’t the same as marriage or engagement.