Reply to stopping a potential affair by getting to know the other woman-- does it work?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Doesn't matter.  I bought his secretary presents for her baby twin girls, helped him pick out gift cards for secretary appreciation day, even had lunch with her while he was traveling.

[b]People who cheat are terribly damaged and capable of the kind of manipulation and duplicity you will never fully appreciate.  They don't care one bit about you, his kids, their own reputations, their own kids, their own spouses, their own reputations.  They ONLy care that for some reason, your spouse makes them feel alive inside, and they will do anything to maintain that feeling.[/b] [/quote]

This is so extreme.  Just read what you wrote.  You really believe someone who has an affair really doesn’t care about their children?  Life is complicated and sometimes people are unhappy and they stray.  Or they are flawed and cheat when their marriage is great.  Or they are foolish.  Etc.  You need to gain some perspective. [/quote]

I agree with PP’s boldest statement.  The essence of cheating is caring more about yourself and your own needs than those of the people around you.  That alone makes you a bad parent - your inability to put the needs of the child above your own. [b] People who cheat have a number of pathological flaws -[/b] they are more interested in the appearance or fantasy of relationships than reality, unable to negotiate conflict openly and explicitly, willing to lie repeatedly, willing to break promises, impulsive, unable to properly gauge consequences, have low self-esteem or are narcissistic, etc.  It is foolish to believe that these flaws are somehow related only to the affair and/or affect only the spouse.  And the break up of a marriage due to cheating always has a negative impact on the kids.

Yes, life is complicated.  People are unhappy.  But the vast majority of us are able to negotiate that without cheating.

OP, people who cheat - both the cheater spouse and the AP — are broken.  Do not imagine that they will respond rationally to an explicit or implicit reminder not to hurt others.  That is like trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational person.

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself - exercise, dress well, take care of your appearance, engage in outside activities, focus on a strong work life and network, make sure you know where all the money is.

[/quote]

Everyone is flawed.  All of us.   Which is why so many people cheat.  Sex is a powerful thing.   But you’re convinced there are all of these fancy psychological reasons when really your spouse just wanted to have good sex.  It’s very simple!

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