Walk me through the logistics of setting up your new life if you divorced while your kid was a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This. I would have to strongly dislike my spouse before choosing to live this way.

I think it's fair to say that divorcing people strongly dislike their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is hanging by a thread and I'm terrified thinking about how I could survive as a single parent. Our child is 10 months and goes to daycare part-time. I work part-time. We own a modest home in a nice neighborhood but we are not wealthy. My husband is very difficult, but a devoted and hands-on father and does a lot of the housework. I understand that I'll need to go back to full-time work (I can keep my job and increase my hours), and I'm fairly certain day care can accommodate us five days/week. But I don't know how we could afford a split or make it work logistically. The baby is increasingly mobile and on the cusp of walking, and needs a lot of attention. How would I even get dressed in the morning? Do we sell our large apartment and both rent smaller ones? Do we try to rent apartments in the same building?

This feels so selfish and foolish. But we fight so much - probably 90% instigated by my husband - and it's not an emotionally healthy environment for the baby. I don't think we can fix this, and I don't want my child growing up thinking this is normal. (That is how my husband came to be the way he is.)

So if you've been through this, what are the first, say, 10 steps to setting up a manageable single-parent life?

I moved out. He bought me out of the house in monthly installments. Because of our income difference, he was/is responsible for 100% of her childcare costs, which at that time was daycare and is now before/aftercare at school plus summer camp fees. He is also responsible for maintaining medical and dental insurance and copays and out of pocket expenses for her healthcare. That will eventually include orthodontia.

We went from having a HHI that accommodated a fairly cushy life to having two lower incomes. I found a 1 bedroom + den apartment in the same general area. I negotiated to get rent concessions for the first year I was there. I bought a bunch of second hand furniture. I stopped going out to eat and cooked at home more. My daughter was 2. The mornings were sometimes chaotic. I tried to do as much preparation in the evening when she was in bed. I'd shower and dry my hair, put together lunches for us, take care of prep for dinner the next day, clean up, etc.

My marriage had different issues than it sounds like your marriage has, but one thing that may be true for you as it was for me is how much easier my life became when I didn't need to accommodate or work around my ex. When I was in charge of all house stuff and childcare, I was able to focus on those things and just get it done without expending the emotional energy of being angry and disappointed at having to do it alone. DD and I had a sweet life together. We became a lot closer. I enjoyed spending time with her more when I wasn't feeling anxious and unhappy all the time. I think that her relationship with her dad also improved in that he had to step up. He had to learn what to feed her, how to do bedtime, how to do bath time, etc. He had to be present and engage with her. When it was his time, there was no one mediating their relationship, and when it was my time, there was no one mediating our relationship. Outside of the relief of not being married to him anymore, I think that divorce actually made me a much better parent.

But it's definitely overwhelming at first.

[Anonymous]

I stayed with my spouse when our children were young, in part because I wondered how much of the stress of that was contributing to our troubles. We were in counseling -- which you need to do STAT -- and the therapist did point out to us that it was much easier on the kids if we were going to split to do it when they were young. I waited until they were 4 and 6 and wish I would have done it earlier because now it's much harder on the oldest especially. I think I was right to try to do everything I could to save my marriage first, but probably not three years of that when so much was wrong.

I wish you the best, but I also think you really need to stop with the dating concerns, even for your long term plans. There are so many more important things that should be higher on your list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is hanging by a thread and I'm terrified thinking about how I could survive as a single parent. Our child is 10 months and goes to daycare part-time. I work part-time. We own a modest home in a nice neighborhood but we are not wealthy. My husband is very difficult, but a devoted and hands-on father and does a lot of the housework. I understand that I'll need to go back to full-time work (I can keep my job and increase my hours), and I'm fairly certain day care can accommodate us five days/week. But I don't know how we could afford a split or make it work logistically. The baby is increasingly mobile and on the cusp of walking, and needs a lot of attention. How would I even get dressed in the morning? Do we sell our large apartment and both rent smaller ones? Do we try to rent apartments in the same building?

This feels so selfish and foolish. But we fight so much - probably 90% instigated by my husband - and it's not an emotionally healthy environment for the baby. I don't think we can fix this, and I don't want my child growing up thinking this is normal. (That is how my husband came to be the way he is.)

So if you've been through this, what are the first, say, 10 steps to setting up a manageable single-parent life?

I can't help but hone in one the bolded - it is NOT selfish or foolish to want to be treated like a human being. Ever.

As for making a split WORK (after dealing with lawyers), you just do. My son was 10mo when I split with my ex (and already walking, stubborn kid), and I just had to make it work. Sometimes he sat in his pack n play and cried while I took a shower, usually he played with toys. He sometimes had to hang out in there while I cooked (hot ovens and babies are a bad mix). Initially we lived about 2 miles from his dad, cause that's the apartment I could afford, and then about 2 years after the split I moved a few hundred miles away (with kid, I had sole custody after the first fight, and I still have that - dad does get a significant amount of visitation. There are reasons for this for the mom-haters on this board, I'm not going into them), and I still have custody.

I'm dating now, but it took a LONG time to get to the point I was ready to date. The man I'm seeing right now is probably the man I will marry - he is completely wonderful and the opposite of my child's father (who was abusive).

[Anonymous]

Also it’s cliche, but you have no idea how much you are actually capable of until you have no other option

[Anonymous]

OP, if you and your husband spend enough time together where you can't figure out how to get ready in the morning solo, then you guys are doing ok. I am truly wondering what the problems are in your marriage. If you like where you live, why not spend time enjoying your baby? You can take her just about anywhere and show her things while holding hands. Now if he or you *won't* do this, that might be something to think about. For you, I'd put the kid in full time daycare and either work full time or use the extra hours of daycare to do things for you. To me working part-time and part-time childcare is the worst of both worlds.
You mention in your op that he grew up in a house where fighting was common. You say that fighting is normal to him. Are you sure that the lack of fighting isn't just as unhealthy? I have a friend who grew up in such a house, and her views on marriage are all dorked up. She thinks couples can compromise on anything and that if you love someone that's all that matters. She's unmarried. You guys may want to spend some time with each set of parents and just observe and listen. Listen to their stories, I've found those start to flow once you have children. Watch how they interact and learn from each set. Your model isn't any more correct than his, unless of course one of you grew up in an abusive home. Note, I wouldn't replicate what the long poster does. It sounds like a recipe for heartbreak. If she likes her ex enough to do family trips and share a banking account, she will be truly devastated when he finds a woman who says "This shit has to end". It looks fine on paper, but lots of things do. In that vein, think about how you'd feel if you and your ex divorced, and you saw him being all sweet to your kid with his new girlfriend doing all the things you dreamed of doing. Families aren't projects you can complete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you and your husband spend enough time together where you can't figure out how to get ready in the morning solo, then you guys are doing ok. I am truly wondering what the problems are in your marriage. If you like where you live, why not spend time enjoying your baby? You can take her just about anywhere and show her things while holding hands. Now if he or you *won't* do this, that might be something to think about. For you, I'd put the kid in full time daycare and either work full time or use the extra hours of daycare to do things for you. To me working part-time and part-time childcare is the worst of both worlds.
You mention in your op that he grew up in a house where fighting was common. You say that fighting is normal to him. Are you sure that the lack of fighting isn't just as unhealthy? I have a friend who grew up in such a house, and her views on marriage are all dorked up. She thinks couples can compromise on anything and that if you love someone that's all that matters. She's unmarried. You guys may want to spend some time with each set of parents and just observe and listen. Listen to their stories, I've found those start to flow once you have children. Watch how they interact and learn from each set. Your model isn't any more correct than his, unless of course one of you grew up in an abusive home. Note, I wouldn't replicate what the long poster does. It sounds like a recipe for heartbreak. If she likes her ex enough to do family trips and share a banking account, she will be truly devastated when he finds a woman who says "This shit has to end". It looks fine on paper, but lots of things do. In that vein, think about how you'd feel if you and your ex divorced, and you saw him being all sweet to your kid with his new girlfriend doing all the things you dreamed of doing. Families aren't projects you can complete.

As the long poster above, I feel the need to clarify that I wasn't in love with Ex-DH when we married, we were a couple who were better as good friends. I liked him enough to not want to break up with him and we functioned well enough that I saw no point in calling off a wedding due to the lack of 'chemistry', but I didn't love him enough to make it satisfying in the long run for either party. Upon divorce, we re-verted back to friends but now have a kid together. So the 'heartbreak' over losing something (that love, passion, etc) was not a factor in our divorce, but i recognize that's a rare case. Most people are smart enough to not get married to someone that they just recognize as settling for stability before the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you and your husband spend enough time together where you can't figure out how to get ready in the morning solo, then you guys are doing ok. I am truly wondering what the problems are in your marriage. If you like where you live, why not spend time enjoying your baby? You can take her just about anywhere and show her things while holding hands. Now if he or you *won't* do this, that might be something to think about. For you, I'd put the kid in full time daycare and either work full time or use the extra hours of daycare to do things for you. To me working part-time and part-time childcare is the worst of both worlds.
You mention in your op that he grew up in a house where fighting was common. You say that fighting is normal to him. Are you sure that the lack of fighting isn't just as unhealthy? I have a friend who grew up in such a house, and her views on marriage are all dorked up. She thinks couples can compromise on anything and that if you love someone that's all that matters. She's unmarried. You guys may want to spend some time with each set of parents and just observe and listen. Listen to their stories, I've found those start to flow once you have children. Watch how they interact and learn from each set. Your model isn't any more correct than his, unless of course one of you grew up in an abusive home. Note, I wouldn't replicate what the long poster does. It sounds like a recipe for heartbreak. If she likes her ex enough to do family trips and share a banking account, she will be truly devastated when he finds a woman who says "This shit has to end". It looks fine on paper, but lots of things do. In that vein, think about how you'd feel if you and your ex divorced, and you saw him being all sweet to your kid with his new girlfriend doing all the things you dreamed of doing. Families aren't projects you can complete.

As the long poster above, I feel the need to clarify that I wasn't in love with Ex-DH when we married, we were a couple who were better as good friends. I liked him enough to not want to break up with him and we functioned well enough that I saw no point in calling off a wedding due to the lack of 'chemistry', but I didn't love him enough to make it satisfying in the long run for either party. Upon divorce, we re-verted back to friends but now have a kid together. So the 'heartbreak' over losing something (that love, passion, etc) was not a factor in our divorce, but i recognize that's a rare case. Most people are smart enough to not get married to someone that they just recognize as settling for stability before the wedding.

Others are smart enough to realize that marriage isn’t supposed to be a romcom and that divorce with kids is crazy and a PIA unless you’re 100 percent miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This. I would have to strongly dislike my spouse before choosing to live this way.

I think it's fair to say that divorcing people strongly dislike their spouse.

OP hasn’t provided any just reasons to divorce her husband. Is there abuse, alcoholism, mental illness, inability or desire to obtain a job? Those are reasons you divorce over. Not because you argue and bicker. You go to marriage counseling and find a way to bette communicate.

[Anonymous]

Single parent here - I actually just started reading the book "Hold Me Tight" by Sue Johnson and it might be really helpful for you. I know you said you don't think it can be fixed between you two but coming from experience working on things is soooooo much better for you, your spouse, and the children. This book is all about attachment and how we fight when we aren't getting what we need emotionally. Maybe for the time being you could separate while you work on things but if you can stick it out and get help that would be the best thing you could ever do. I really do hope you can work it out and understand why you are fighting rather than just calling it quits. I will be praying that you can come together and with the help of a professional get to the bottom of your fighting. I know you said he is starting things most often but there must be a reason. I was surprised to learn the deeper pieces of attachment that started arguments through Hold Me Tight. Maybe it will shed some light for you as well. PS My therapist recommended it to me.

[Anonymous]

My husband left literally out of the blue when my daughter was 9 months old. She’s almost three now and I think we’re doing ok, not great, but ok. My ExH was never an involved father so I can’t speak to custody schedules or coparenting issues. A few pieces of advice that I hope are useful:

1) If your kid isn’t sleeping through the night, wait until he/she is before doing anything. Single parenting got remarkably easier when I had a full night’s rest. Not to say that it’s a walk in the park now, but it was incredibly rough when my daughter was still waking up to eat at 3 am.

2) Downsize ASAP. I was totally unprepared for my ExH’s departure and it took me awhile to realize he was serious about not moving back or helping with our mortgage. Even after I accepted that reality, I still attempted to hang onto a house I couldn’t afford and incurred a mountain of debt. In hindsight, I wish I would have put it up for sale immediately.

3) I think people are giving you an unnecessarily hard time about your question about getting ready for work with the baby. (I actually asked myself the same thing after my ex left. My DD was incredibly fussy at that age and not one of those kids who could entertain themselves in the pack and play for any real length of time. Of course, the answer is you wake up earlier than the baby, even if that means you’re up at 5 am.) What you’re really asking is how will I continue to do all of the regular, mundane things on my own. The sooner you recognize that everything in your life is going to change if you go through with the separation/divorce, the better. You won’t be able to keep the same routines you had as a married couple and you’ll have to come up with new routines that are maybe more of an inconvenience.

4) No advice on the dating front - just my commentary. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be thinking about dating in the future, especially if you think you’ll have some nights off. I think you have to consider all aspects of what your life could be like if you divorce. While I have largely made peace with the parenting alone aspect of my life, I still struggle with the idea of being alone romantically.

5) Learn to not just accept help but ask for it when needed. You will need help at some point and assuming you aren’t an awful person, your friends and family will probably be happy to help but they aren’t mind readers.

Good luck OP. I strongly recommend counseling but if you do move forward with divorce know that plenty of other single moms are making it work and so can you.

[Anonymous]

I would wait 8 more months. Both my children were physically difficult at that age (I remember calling one of them Hurricane at that age because he would crawl and creep around pulling things down. It would look like a hurricane passed through). At 18 months it is so much easier to take care of a child solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you and your husband spend enough time together where you can't figure out how to get ready in the morning solo, then you guys are doing ok. I am truly wondering what the problems are in your marriage. If you like where you live, why not spend time enjoying your baby? You can take her just about anywhere and show her things while holding hands. Now if he or you *won't* do this, that might be something to think about. For you, I'd put the kid in full time daycare and either work full time or use the extra hours of daycare to do things for you. To me working part-time and part-time childcare is the worst of both worlds.
You mention in your op that he grew up in a house where fighting was common. You say that fighting is normal to him. Are you sure that the lack of fighting isn't just as unhealthy? I have a friend who grew up in such a house, and her views on marriage are all dorked up. She thinks couples can compromise on anything and that if you love someone that's all that matters. She's unmarried. You guys may want to spend some time with each set of parents and just observe and listen. Listen to their stories, I've found those start to flow once you have children. Watch how they interact and learn from each set. Your model isn't any more correct than his, unless of course one of you grew up in an abusive home. Note, I wouldn't replicate what the long poster does. It sounds like a recipe for heartbreak. If she likes her ex enough to do family trips and share a banking account, she will be truly devastated when he finds a woman who says "This shit has to end". It looks fine on paper, but lots of things do. In that vein, think about how you'd feel if you and your ex divorced, and you saw him being all sweet to your kid with his new girlfriend doing all the things you dreamed of doing. Families aren't projects you can complete.

The “long poster’s” DH sounds like he prioritizes parenting, so hopefully he won’t get into a relationship with a woman who wants to interfere in a well-running coparenting system. And I say that having once been in a relationship with a man who was super, unhealthily enmeshed with his ex, so I have very keen antenna for that stuff. I think they have an admirable system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is hanging by a thread and I'm terrified thinking about how I could survive as a single parent. Our child is 10 months and goes to daycare part-time. I work part-time. We own a modest home in a nice neighborhood but we are not wealthy. My husband is very difficult, but a devoted and hands-on father and does a lot of the housework. I understand that I'll need to go back to full-time work (I can keep my job and increase my hours), and I'm fairly certain day care can accommodate us five days/week. But I don't know how we could afford a split or make it work logistically. The baby is increasingly mobile and on the cusp of walking, and needs a lot of attention. How would I even get dressed in the morning? Do we sell our large apartment and both rent smaller ones? Do we try to rent apartments in the same building?

This feels so selfish and foolish. But we fight so much - probably 90% instigated by my husband - and it's not an emotionally healthy environment for the baby. I don't think we can fix this, and I don't want my child growing up thinking this is normal. (That is how my husband came to be the way he is.)

So if you've been through this, what are the first, say, 10 steps to setting up a manageable single-parent life?

I moved out. He bought me out of the house in monthly installments. Because of our income difference, he was/is responsible for 100% of her childcare costs, which at that time was daycare and is now before/aftercare at school plus summer camp fees. He is also responsible for maintaining medical and dental insurance and copays and out of pocket expenses for her healthcare. That will eventually include orthodontia.

We went from having a HHI that accommodated a fairly cushy life to having two lower incomes. I found a 1 bedroom + den apartment in the same general area. I negotiated to get rent concessions for the first year I was there. I bought a bunch of second hand furniture. I stopped going out to eat and cooked at home more. My daughter was 2. The mornings were sometimes chaotic. I tried to do as much preparation in the evening when she was in bed. I'd shower and dry my hair, put together lunches for us, take care of prep for dinner the next day, clean up, etc.

My marriage had different issues than it sounds like your marriage has, but one thing that may be true for you as it was for me is how much easier my life became when I didn't need to accommodate or work around my ex. When I was in charge of all house stuff and childcare, I was able to focus on those things and just get it done without expending the emotional energy of being angry and disappointed at having to do it alone. DD and I had a sweet life together. We became a lot closer. I enjoyed spending time with her more when I wasn't feeling anxious and unhappy all the time. I think that her relationship with her dad also improved in that he had to step up. He had to learn what to feed her, how to do bedtime, how to do bath time, etc. He had to be present and engage with her. When it was his time, there was no one mediating their relationship, and when it was my time, there was no one mediating our relationship. Outside of the relief of not being married to him anymore, I think that divorce actually made me a much better parent.

But it's definitely overwhelming at first.

Emotionally, this is how things were for me. I had less financial support (and virtual nine now), but I wouldn’t trade my bank account during that marriage for the life I and my kids have now. Free of fear and anger we thrived. Even on the most exhausting days, even on the nights that I couldn’t imagine the bills ever being manageable. When my younger daughter wrote in school that our apartment was her favorite place in the world, I knew we were okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage is hanging by a thread and I'm terrified thinking about how I could survive as a single parent. Our child is 10 months and goes to daycare part-time. I work part-time. We own a modest home in a nice neighborhood but we are not wealthy. My husband is very difficult, but a devoted and hands-on father and does a lot of the housework. I understand that I'll need to go back to full-time work (I can keep my job and increase my hours), and I'm fairly certain day care can accommodate us five days/week. But I don't know how we could afford a split or make it work logistically. The baby is increasingly mobile and on the cusp of walking, and needs a lot of attention. How would I even get dressed in the morning? Do we sell our large apartment and both rent smaller ones? Do we try to rent apartments in the same building?

This feels so selfish and foolish. But we fight so much - probably 90% instigated by my husband - and it's not an emotionally healthy environment for the baby. I don't think we can fix this, and I don't want my child growing up thinking this is normal. (That is how my husband came to be the way he is.)

So if you've been through this, what are the first, say, 10 steps to setting up a manageable single-parent life?

Can you try counseling first?
You seem to be under the impression that you will get full custody. This will probably not be the case.