Walk me through the logistics of setting up your new life if you divorced while your kid was a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not telling you to stay together, but realize that whatever problems you have now being able to resolve disagreements will only get worse when you are divorced and co-parenting. Your DH won’t suddenly become reasonable when you think your DC will go to summer camp A and he thinks they should go to summer camp B. I would strongly recommend you go to couple therapy, if not with the goal of staying together, with the goal of learning how to resolve conflicts. You can divorce him, but will have to coparent together for 18+ years.

This is something to strongly consider. My sister left her husband when their baby was about a year old. She left him because he just could not commit to any plan of action, no matter how small, and it was consuming her life and causing constant fighting. He was "gonna get a new job" for years, he was "gonna replace the dishwasher" for years, gonna fix the shower so they didn't have to bathe at the gym or at a friends house for months, on and on, and of course SHE wasn't allowed to do anything or hire anyone because "he was gonna take care of it" but he couldn't/wouldn't actually ever take any action.

She finally had enough and left him but she STILL has to tolerate his waffling with everything related to their son. Can't pick a preschool, can't commit to a summer camp, can't do this, can't do that. She's gotten to the point that she is knowingly violating their custody agreement by unilaterally making decisions and just hoping he goes along with it (has so far but who knows how long he will) but that could blow up in her face any minute.

[Anonymous]

Ex-DH and I decided to divorce when DD was under 6 months old. Logistically, it wasn't that hard since we had similar salaries and worked full time, so DD was already in a full-time daycare.

We worked together to draft our own Marriage Separation Agreement and had that reviewed by a lawyer (using an online service) and had our paperwork checked by the self-help law center at the court house. We went together and filed at the court so avoid any of the 'serving' mess, attended our hearing and had it all done in about 2 months.

We split our assets and calculated joint child-care contributions based on our salary percentage (i.e. if salary was $100,000 for the year, ExDH made 55,000 and I made 45,000- he paid/got 55%, I paid/got 45%). We used that percentage to determine how much money I got from the house after he re-mortgaged under his sole ownership and had it appraised (i.e. 45% of the would-be profits based on appraisal value), and how to split our joint savings and tax return for that year. He kept the house, I moved into a condo I rent (prefer the neighborhood and it has reasonable rent).

We both refused alimony and created our own childcare expenses set up. We add up the annual cost of child-care, divide by 12 to get a monthly child care cost. To this, we added $300 for misc expenses. When she was an infant, this was used for clothes, diapers and wipes. We use it for her birthday party, to pay for her birthday and christmas gifts, birthday gifts for her friends, and gifts for our daycare provider (we add a little extra in more for her birthday month and christmas). Now that she's older, the misc money is mostly used for our family outings or for her classes/activities. We sit down and review it at the end of the year to make adjustments or recalculate the percentages. As she gets older, this money will go towards school supplies and extracurriculars.

The key aspect is to make sure you guys are able to co-parent efficiently. Ex-DH and I decided to divorce before we got to that dark bitter place. It wasn't our last resort, we probably could've stuck it out and tried more, but I do believe that by 'giving up early' (for lack of a better way to put it) has helped us be strong co-parents. While we still have some issues, it doesn't effect our ability to co-parent and talk about our daughter and spend time together as a family (we do outings once a month together and have done weekend trips together). We're better co-parents than we were as a couple, because we no longer have the pressure to be each other's significant other. We don't have to be bitter because there's no sex, because one person wants to go out or travel, while the other stays home, by removing that from our relationship, we communicate better and get along better.

We separated 3 years ago, and formally divorced 2 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH and I decided to divorce when DD was under 6 months old. Logistically, it wasn't that hard since we had similar salaries and worked full time, so DD was already in a full-time daycare.

We worked together to draft our own Marriage Separation Agreement and had that reviewed by a lawyer (using an online service) and had our paperwork checked by the self-help law center at the court house. We went together and filed at the court so avoid any of the 'serving' mess, attended our hearing and had it all done in about 2 months.

We split our assets and calculated joint child-care contributions based on our salary percentage (i.e. if salary was $100,000 for the year, ExDH made 55,000 and I made 45,000- he paid/got 55%, I paid/got 45%). We used that percentage to determine how much money I got from the house after he re-mortgaged under his sole ownership and had it appraised (i.e. 45% of the would-be profits based on appraisal value), and how to split our joint savings and tax return for that year. He kept the house, I moved into a condo I rent (prefer the neighborhood and it has reasonable rent).

We both refused alimony and created our own childcare expenses set up. We add up the annual cost of child-care, divide by 12 to get a monthly child care cost. To this, we added $300 for misc expenses. When she was an infant, this was used for clothes, diapers and wipes. We use it for her birthday party, to pay for her birthday and christmas gifts, birthday gifts for her friends, and gifts for our daycare provider (we add a little extra in more for her birthday month and christmas). Now that she's older, the misc money is mostly used for our family outings or for her classes/activities. We sit down and review it at the end of the year to make adjustments or recalculate the percentages. As she gets older, this money will go towards school supplies and extracurriculars.

The key aspect is to make sure you guys are able to co-parent efficiently. Ex-DH and I decided to divorce before we got to that dark bitter place. It wasn't our last resort, we probably could've stuck it out and tried more, but I do believe that by 'giving up early' (for lack of a better way to put it) has helped us be strong co-parents. While we still have some issues, it doesn't effect our ability to co-parent and talk about our daughter and spend time together as a family (we do outings once a month together and have done weekend trips together). We're better co-parents than we were as a couple, because we no longer have the pressure to be each other's significant other. We don't have to be bitter because there's no sex, because one person wants to go out or travel, while the other stays home, by removing that from our relationship, we communicate better and get along better.

We separated 3 years ago, and formally divorced 2 years ago.

A couple other things-

We also sat down together and made up a 50/50 schedule that is insane on paper. We each see DD every day (one of us drops off the other picks up). We each had a major condition we wanted (he wanted drop off and I wanted her to sleep at my place), so we created a schedule that included those. We check in twice a year to see if it still works for the other, and adjust accordingly. We'll move to a new schudule this fall when DD starts preschool, but we used the same process. I created a few draft schedules and sent them to him for feedback, and he chose one that worked best. We track it on a shared Google Calendar.

One perk of divorcing when DD was so young, she doesn't know us as a couple. She fully understands that there's daddy house and mommy house. She never saw us together and never saw us fighting. She knows she has two parents, who live apart, but love her and that we can all spend time together as a family without issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH and I decided to divorce when DD was under 6 months old. Logistically, it wasn't that hard since we had similar salaries and worked full time, so DD was already in a full-time daycare.

We worked together to draft our own Marriage Separation Agreement and had that reviewed by a lawyer (using an online service) and had our paperwork checked by the self-help law center at the court house. We went together and filed at the court so avoid any of the 'serving' mess, attended our hearing and had it all done in about 2 months.

We split our assets and calculated joint child-care contributions based on our salary percentage (i.e. if salary was $100,000 for the year, ExDH made 55,000 and I made 45,000- he paid/got 55%, I paid/got 45%). We used that percentage to determine how much money I got from the house after he re-mortgaged under his sole ownership and had it appraised (i.e. 45% of the would-be profits based on appraisal value), and how to split our joint savings and tax return for that year. He kept the house, I moved into a condo I rent (prefer the neighborhood and it has reasonable rent).

We both refused alimony and created our own childcare expenses set up. We add up the annual cost of child-care, divide by 12 to get a monthly child care cost. To this, we added $300 for misc expenses. When she was an infant, this was used for clothes, diapers and wipes. We use it for her birthday party, to pay for her birthday and christmas gifts, birthday gifts for her friends, and gifts for our daycare provider (we add a little extra in more for her birthday month and christmas). Now that she's older, the misc money is mostly used for our family outings or for her classes/activities. We sit down and review it at the end of the year to make adjustments or recalculate the percentages. As she gets older, this money will go towards school supplies and extracurriculars.

The key aspect is to make sure you guys are able to co-parent efficiently. Ex-DH and I decided to divorce before we got to that dark bitter place. It wasn't our last resort, we probably could've stuck it out and tried more, but I do believe that by 'giving up early' (for lack of a better way to put it) has helped us be strong co-parents. While we still have some issues, it doesn't effect our ability to co-parent and talk about our daughter and spend time together as a family (we do outings once a month together and have done weekend trips together). We're better co-parents than we were as a couple, because we no longer have the pressure to be each other's significant other. We don't have to be bitter because there's no sex, because one person wants to go out or travel, while the other stays home, by removing that from our relationship, we communicate better and get along better.

We separated 3 years ago, and formally divorced 2 years ago.

A couple other things-

We also sat down together and made up a 50/50 schedule that is insane on paper. We each see DD every day (one of us drops off the other picks up). We each had a major condition we wanted (he wanted drop off and I wanted her to sleep at my place), so we created a schedule that included those. We check in twice a year to see if it still works for the other, and adjust accordingly. We'll move to a new schudule this fall when DD starts preschool, but we used the same process. I created a few draft schedules and sent them to him for feedback, and he chose one that worked best. We track it on a shared Google Calendar.

One perk of divorcing when DD was so young, she doesn't know us as a couple. She fully understands that there's daddy house and mommy house. She never saw us together and never saw us fighting. She knows she has two parents, who live apart, but love her and that we can all spend time together as a family without issues.

OP here - I feel like giving you a round of applause. This is the epitome of making the best of a bad situation. How fortunate that you can both be responsible adults in an emotionally fraught situation. How does dating play into all of this?

[Anonymous]

Op, do you really have no idea how you would get ready in the morning? Honestly? My partner and I work opposite schedules so they sleep in the morning until I leave for work. When DC was a baby, I would use the bouncer and just put it in the bathroom in the morning while I showered. Now I used a playpen directly outside of the bathroom. It's really not that hard, I promise. Use your common sense.

[Anonymous]

OP- Get dating out of your mind right now. Seriously. You don't need to complicate the situation more by thinking about that right now. Maybe after some time has passed, ask this question. There will be times your ex will have the kid and that is when most single parents date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- Get dating out of your mind right now. Seriously. You don't need to complicate the situation more by thinking about that right now. Maybe after some time has passed, ask this question. There will be times your ex will have the kid and that is when most single parents date.

Believe me, I am not interested in dating. I hated it even when I was single. But I also don't want to spend the entire rest of my life alone, so it has to be part of my long-term plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH and I decided to divorce when DD was under 6 months old. Logistically, it wasn't that hard since we had similar salaries and worked full time, so DD was already in a full-time daycare.

We worked together to draft our own Marriage Separation Agreement and had that reviewed by a lawyer (using an online service) and had our paperwork checked by the self-help law center at the court house. We went together and filed at the court so avoid any of the 'serving' mess, attended our hearing and had it all done in about 2 months.

We split our assets and calculated joint child-care contributions based on our salary percentage (i.e. if salary was $100,000 for the year, ExDH made 55,000 and I made 45,000- he paid/got 55%, I paid/got 45%). We used that percentage to determine how much money I got from the house after he re-mortgaged under his sole ownership and had it appraised (i.e. 45% of the would-be profits based on appraisal value), and how to split our joint savings and tax return for that year. He kept the house, I moved into a condo I rent (prefer the neighborhood and it has reasonable rent).

We both refused alimony and created our own childcare expenses set up. We add up the annual cost of child-care, divide by 12 to get a monthly child care cost. To this, we added $300 for misc expenses. When she was an infant, this was used for clothes, diapers and wipes. We use it for her birthday party, to pay for her birthday and christmas gifts, birthday gifts for her friends, and gifts for our daycare provider (we add a little extra in more for her birthday month and christmas). Now that she's older, the misc money is mostly used for our family outings or for her classes/activities. We sit down and review it at the end of the year to make adjustments or recalculate the percentages. As she gets older, this money will go towards school supplies and extracurriculars.

The key aspect is to make sure you guys are able to co-parent efficiently. Ex-DH and I decided to divorce before we got to that dark bitter place. It wasn't our last resort, we probably could've stuck it out and tried more, but I do believe that by 'giving up early' (for lack of a better way to put it) has helped us be strong co-parents. While we still have some issues, it doesn't effect our ability to co-parent and talk about our daughter and spend time together as a family (we do outings once a month together and have done weekend trips together). We're better co-parents than we were as a couple, because we no longer have the pressure to be each other's significant other. We don't have to be bitter because there's no sex, because one person wants to go out or travel, while the other stays home, by removing that from our relationship, we communicate better and get along better.

We separated 3 years ago, and formally divorced 2 years ago.

A couple other things-

We also sat down together and made up a 50/50 schedule that is insane on paper. We each see DD every day (one of us drops off the other picks up). We each had a major condition we wanted (he wanted drop off and I wanted her to sleep at my place), so we created a schedule that included those. We check in twice a year to see if it still works for the other, and adjust accordingly. We'll move to a new schudule this fall when DD starts preschool, but we used the same process. I created a few draft schedules and sent them to him for feedback, and he chose one that worked best. We track it on a shared Google Calendar.

One perk of divorcing when DD was so young, she doesn't know us as a couple. She fully understands that there's daddy house and mommy house. She never saw us together and never saw us fighting. She knows she has two parents, who live apart, but love her and that we can all spend time together as a family without issues.

Good for you guys for making it work, but to me this sounds like a nightmare! Everything so complicated and tit for tat. Reminds me of when people say they have joint accounts and complain that they had to buy DH’s ice cream flavor with their own money.

[Anonymous]

....

A couple other things-

We also sat down together and made up a 50/50 schedule that is insane on paper. We each see DD every day (one of us drops off the other picks up). We each had a major condition we wanted (he wanted drop off and I wanted her to sleep at my place), so we created a schedule that included those. We check in twice a year to see if it still works for the other, and adjust accordingly. We'll move to a new schudule this fall when DD starts preschool, but we used the same process. I created a few draft schedules and sent them to him for feedback, and he chose one that worked best. We track it on a shared Google Calendar.

One perk of divorcing when DD was so young, she doesn't know us as a couple. She fully understands that there's daddy house and mommy house. She never saw us together and never saw us fighting. She knows she has two parents, who live apart, but love her and that we can all spend time together as a family without issues.

OP here - I feel like giving you a round of applause. This is the epitome of making the best of a bad situation. How fortunate that you can both be responsible adults in an emotionally fraught situation. How does dating play into all of this?

Twenty years after having done this, I will warn you it can still have an affect on the child, even if you get along. My daughter thinks no one can understand her particular situation. And there is something about never ever having known us in her world together that makes her see us as non collaborative, even though we are. Not saying it doesn't work, but I think this view is overly rosy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH and I decided to divorce when DD was under 6 months old. Logistically, it wasn't that hard since we had similar salaries and worked full time, so DD was already in a full-time daycare.

We worked together to draft our own Marriage Separation Agreement and had that reviewed by a lawyer (using an online service) and had our paperwork checked by the self-help law center at the court house. We went together and filed at the court so avoid any of the 'serving' mess, attended our hearing and had it all done in about 2 months.

We split our assets and calculated joint child-care contributions based on our salary percentage (i.e. if salary was $100,000 for the year, ExDH made 55,000 and I made 45,000- he paid/got 55%, I paid/got 45%). We used that percentage to determine how much money I got from the house after he re-mortgaged under his sole ownership and had it appraised (i.e. 45% of the would-be profits based on appraisal value), and how to split our joint savings and tax return for that year. He kept the house, I moved into a condo I rent (prefer the neighborhood and it has reasonable rent).

We both refused alimony and created our own childcare expenses set up. We add up the annual cost of child-care, divide by 12 to get a monthly child care cost. To this, we added $300 for misc expenses. When she was an infant, this was used for clothes, diapers and wipes. We use it for her birthday party, to pay for her birthday and christmas gifts, birthday gifts for her friends, and gifts for our daycare provider (we add a little extra in more for her birthday month and christmas). Now that she's older, the misc money is mostly used for our family outings or for her classes/activities. We sit down and review it at the end of the year to make adjustments or recalculate the percentages. As she gets older, this money will go towards school supplies and extracurriculars.

The key aspect is to make sure you guys are able to co-parent efficiently. Ex-DH and I decided to divorce before we got to that dark bitter place. It wasn't our last resort, we probably could've stuck it out and tried more, but I do believe that by 'giving up early' (for lack of a better way to put it) has helped us be strong co-parents. While we still have some issues, it doesn't effect our ability to co-parent and talk about our daughter and spend time together as a family (we do outings once a month together and have done weekend trips together). We're better co-parents than we were as a couple, because we no longer have the pressure to be each other's significant other. We don't have to be bitter because there's no sex, because one person wants to go out or travel, while the other stays home, by removing that from our relationship, we communicate better and get along better.

We separated 3 years ago, and formally divorced 2 years ago.

A couple other things-

We also sat down together and made up a 50/50 schedule that is insane on paper. We each see DD every day (one of us drops off the other picks up). We each had a major condition we wanted (he wanted drop off and I wanted her to sleep at my place), so we created a schedule that included those. We check in twice a year to see if it still works for the other, and adjust accordingly. We'll move to a new schudule this fall when DD starts preschool, but we used the same process. I created a few draft schedules and sent them to him for feedback, and he chose one that worked best. We track it on a shared Google Calendar.

One perk of divorcing when DD was so young, she doesn't know us as a couple. She fully understands that there's daddy house and mommy house. She never saw us together and never saw us fighting. She knows she has two parents, who live apart, but love her and that we can all spend time together as a family without issues.

Good for you guys for making it work, but to me this sounds like a nightmare! Everything so complicated and tit for tat. Reminds me of when people say they have joint accounts and complain that they had to buy DH’s ice cream flavor with their own money.

This. I would have to strongly dislike my spouse before choosing to live this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, do you really have no idea how you would get ready in the morning? Honestly? My partner and I work opposite schedules so they sleep in the morning until I leave for work. When DC was a baby, I would use the bouncer and just put it in the bathroom in the morning while I showered. Now I used a playpen directly outside of the bathroom. It's really not that hard, I promise. Use your common sense.

+1. The comment about getting ready in the morning reminded me how there are two sides to every story. OP has faults and has played a role in this frustrating marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH and I decided to divorce when DD was under 6 months old. Logistically, it wasn't that hard since we had similar salaries and worked full time, so DD was already in a full-time daycare.

We worked together to draft our own Marriage Separation Agreement and had that reviewed by a lawyer (using an online service) and had our paperwork checked by the self-help law center at the court house. We went together and filed at the court so avoid any of the 'serving' mess, attended our hearing and had it all done in about 2 months.

We split our assets and calculated joint child-care contributions based on our salary percentage (i.e. if salary was $100,000 for the year, ExDH made 55,000 and I made 45,000- he paid/got 55%, I paid/got 45%). We used that percentage to determine how much money I got from the house after he re-mortgaged under his sole ownership and had it appraised (i.e. 45% of the would-be profits based on appraisal value), and how to split our joint savings and tax return for that year. He kept the house, I moved into a condo I rent (prefer the neighborhood and it has reasonable rent).

We both refused alimony and created our own childcare expenses set up. We add up the annual cost of child-care, divide by 12 to get a monthly child care cost. To this, we added $300 for misc expenses. When she was an infant, this was used for clothes, diapers and wipes. We use it for her birthday party, to pay for her birthday and christmas gifts, birthday gifts for her friends, and gifts for our daycare provider (we add a little extra in more for her birthday month and christmas). Now that she's older, the misc money is mostly used for our family outings or for her classes/activities. We sit down and review it at the end of the year to make adjustments or recalculate the percentages. As she gets older, this money will go towards school supplies and extracurriculars.

The key aspect is to make sure you guys are able to co-parent efficiently. Ex-DH and I decided to divorce before we got to that dark bitter place. It wasn't our last resort, we probably could've stuck it out and tried more, but I do believe that by 'giving up early' (for lack of a better way to put it) has helped us be strong co-parents. While we still have some issues, it doesn't effect our ability to co-parent and talk about our daughter and spend time together as a family (we do outings once a month together and have done weekend trips together). We're better co-parents than we were as a couple, because we no longer have the pressure to be each other's significant other. We don't have to be bitter because there's no sex, because one person wants to go out or travel, while the other stays home, by removing that from our relationship, we communicate better and get along better.

We separated 3 years ago, and formally divorced 2 years ago.

A couple other things-

We also sat down together and made up a 50/50 schedule that is insane on paper. We each see DD every day (one of us drops off the other picks up). We each had a major condition we wanted (he wanted drop off and I wanted her to sleep at my place), so we created a schedule that included those. We check in twice a year to see if it still works for the other, and adjust accordingly. We'll move to a new schudule this fall when DD starts preschool, but we used the same process. I created a few draft schedules and sent them to him for feedback, and he chose one that worked best. We track it on a shared Google Calendar.

One perk of divorcing when DD was so young, she doesn't know us as a couple. She fully understands that there's daddy house and mommy house. She never saw us together and never saw us fighting. She knows she has two parents, who live apart, but love her and that we can all spend time together as a family without issues.

Good for you guys for making it work, but to me this sounds like a nightmare! Everything so complicated and tit for tat. Reminds me of when people say they have joint accounts and complain that they had to buy DH’s ice cream flavor with their own money.

I'm happily married, but this doesn't sound like a nightmare to me. It sounds like two people trying their very best t to be fair. I'm impressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This. I would have to strongly dislike my spouse before choosing to live this way.

I think it's fair to say that divorcing people strongly dislike their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH and I decided to divorce when DD was under 6 months old. Logistically, it wasn't that hard since we had similar salaries and worked full time, so DD was already in a full-time daycare.

We worked together to draft our own Marriage Separation Agreement and had that reviewed by a lawyer (using an online service) and had our paperwork checked by the self-help law center at the court house. We went together and filed at the court so avoid any of the 'serving' mess, attended our hearing and had it all done in about 2 months.

We split our assets and calculated joint child-care contributions based on our salary percentage (i.e. if salary was $100,000 for the year, ExDH made 55,000 and I made 45,000- he paid/got 55%, I paid/got 45%). We used that percentage to determine how much money I got from the house after he re-mortgaged under his sole ownership and had it appraised (i.e. 45% of the would-be profits based on appraisal value), and how to split our joint savings and tax return for that year. He kept the house, I moved into a condo I rent (prefer the neighborhood and it has reasonable rent).

We both refused alimony and created our own childcare expenses set up. We add up the annual cost of child-care, divide by 12 to get a monthly child care cost. To this, we added $300 for misc expenses. When she was an infant, this was used for clothes, diapers and wipes. We use it for her birthday party, to pay for her birthday and christmas gifts, birthday gifts for her friends, and gifts for our daycare provider (we add a little extra in more for her birthday month and christmas). Now that she's older, the misc money is mostly used for our family outings or for her classes/activities. We sit down and review it at the end of the year to make adjustments or recalculate the percentages. As she gets older, this money will go towards school supplies and extracurriculars.

The key aspect is to make sure you guys are able to co-parent efficiently. Ex-DH and I decided to divorce before we got to that dark bitter place. It wasn't our last resort, we probably could've stuck it out and tried more, but I do believe that by 'giving up early' (for lack of a better way to put it) has helped us be strong co-parents. While we still have some issues, it doesn't effect our ability to co-parent and talk about our daughter and spend time together as a family (we do outings once a month together and have done weekend trips together). We're better co-parents than we were as a couple, because we no longer have the pressure to be each other's significant other. We don't have to be bitter because there's no sex, because one person wants to go out or travel, while the other stays home, by removing that from our relationship, we communicate better and get along better.

We separated 3 years ago, and formally divorced 2 years ago.

A couple other things-

We also sat down together and made up a 50/50 schedule that is insane on paper. We each see DD every day (one of us drops off the other picks up). We each had a major condition we wanted (he wanted drop off and I wanted her to sleep at my place), so we created a schedule that included those. We check in twice a year to see if it still works for the other, and adjust accordingly. We'll move to a new schudule this fall when DD starts preschool, but we used the same process. I created a few draft schedules and sent them to him for feedback, and he chose one that worked best. We track it on a shared Google Calendar.

One perk of divorcing when DD was so young, she doesn't know us as a couple. She fully understands that there's daddy house and mommy house. She never saw us together and never saw us fighting. She knows she has two parents, who live apart, but love her and that we can all spend time together as a family without issues.

OP here - I feel like giving you a round of applause. This is the epitome of making the best of a bad situation. How fortunate that you can both be responsible adults in an emotionally fraught situation. How does dating play into all of this?

So far, it doesn't factor in. I've gone on a few dates (just not interested in it, happy with my solo life and friends), he's gone on a lot of dates but no relationship. I imagine that'll complicate things a big, but I'm preferring to be optimistic that he'll choose someone who's accepting of our situation and have it be a deal breaker if they try to prevent us from communicating regularly or spending family time together. Only time will tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ex-DH and I decided to divorce when DD was under 6 months old. Logistically, it wasn't that hard since we had similar salaries and worked full time, so DD was already in a full-time daycare.

We worked together to draft our own Marriage Separation Agreement and had that reviewed by a lawyer (using an online service) and had our paperwork checked by the self-help law center at the court house. We went together and filed at the court so avoid any of the 'serving' mess, attended our hearing and had it all done in about 2 months.

We split our assets and calculated joint child-care contributions based on our salary percentage (i.e. if salary was $100,000 for the year, ExDH made 55,000 and I made 45,000- he paid/got 55%, I paid/got 45%). We used that percentage to determine how much money I got from the house after he re-mortgaged under his sole ownership and had it appraised (i.e. 45% of the would-be profits based on appraisal value), and how to split our joint savings and tax return for that year. He kept the house, I moved into a condo I rent (prefer the neighborhood and it has reasonable rent).

We both refused alimony and created our own childcare expenses set up. We add up the annual cost of child-care, divide by 12 to get a monthly child care cost. To this, we added $300 for misc expenses. When she was an infant, this was used for clothes, diapers and wipes. We use it for her birthday party, to pay for her birthday and christmas gifts, birthday gifts for her friends, and gifts for our daycare provider (we add a little extra in more for her birthday month and christmas). Now that she's older, the misc money is mostly used for our family outings or for her classes/activities. We sit down and review it at the end of the year to make adjustments or recalculate the percentages. As she gets older, this money will go towards school supplies and extracurriculars.

The key aspect is to make sure you guys are able to co-parent efficiently. Ex-DH and I decided to divorce before we got to that dark bitter place. It wasn't our last resort, we probably could've stuck it out and tried more, but I do believe that by 'giving up early' (for lack of a better way to put it) has helped us be strong co-parents. While we still have some issues, it doesn't effect our ability to co-parent and talk about our daughter and spend time together as a family (we do outings once a month together and have done weekend trips together). We're better co-parents than we were as a couple, because we no longer have the pressure to be each other's significant other. We don't have to be bitter because there's no sex, because one person wants to go out or travel, while the other stays home, by removing that from our relationship, we communicate better and get along better.

We separated 3 years ago, and formally divorced 2 years ago.

A couple other things-

We also sat down together and made up a 50/50 schedule that is insane on paper. We each see DD every day (one of us drops off the other picks up). We each had a major condition we wanted (he wanted drop off and I wanted her to sleep at my place), so we created a schedule that included those. We check in twice a year to see if it still works for the other, and adjust accordingly. We'll move to a new schudule this fall when DD starts preschool, but we used the same process. I created a few draft schedules and sent them to him for feedback, and he chose one that worked best. We track it on a shared Google Calendar.

One perk of divorcing when DD was so young, she doesn't know us as a couple. She fully understands that there's daddy house and mommy house. She never saw us together and never saw us fighting. She knows she has two parents, who live apart, but love her and that we can all spend time together as a family without issues.

Good for you guys for making it work, but to me this sounds like a nightmare! Everything so complicated and tit for tat. Reminds me of when people say they have joint accounts and complain that they had to buy DH’s ice cream flavor with their own money.

I'm happily married, but this doesn't sound like a nightmare to me. It sounds like two people trying their very best t to be fair. I'm impressed.

The long poster here. I figure it's not much different than sitting down with your spouse while married and working out budget for the next year or making decisions on if your family can afford certain activities. Our old married bank account is the DD joint account, so there's no question of who's paying when we are all together, it all goes on the joint account (dinner, the fair, Sesame Place, etc.). We discuss Christmas presents together and decide what we can afford and what she'd like, same for birthday and birthday party expenses. The only difference is that now we set a $ number and have monthly transfers to the joint account to cover that amount rather than it pulling from our bank accounts, and even that conversation is a once a year calculation we agree on.