Reply to Walk me through the logistics of setting up your new life if you divorced while your kid was a baby.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My marriage is hanging by a thread and I'm terrified thinking about how I could survive as a single parent. Our child is 10 months and goes to daycare part-time. I work part-time. We own a modest home in a nice neighborhood but we are not wealthy. My husband is very difficult, but a devoted and hands-on father and does a lot of the housework. I understand that I'll need to go back to full-time work (I can keep my job and increase my hours), and I'm fairly certain day care can accommodate us five days/week. But I don't know how we could afford a split or make it work logistically. The baby is increasingly mobile and on the cusp of walking, and needs a lot of attention. How would I even get dressed in the morning? Do we sell our large apartment and both rent smaller ones? Do we try to rent apartments in the same building?

This feels so selfish and foolish. But we fight so much - probably 90% instigated by my husband - and it's not an emotionally healthy environment for the baby. I don't think we can fix this, and I don't want my child growing up thinking this is normal. (That is how my husband came to be the way he is.)

So if you've been through this, what are the first, say, 10 steps to setting up a manageable single-parent life?[/quote]

I moved out. He bought me out of the house in monthly installments. Because of our income difference, he was/is responsible for 100% of her childcare costs, which at that time was daycare and is now before/aftercare at school plus summer camp fees. He is also responsible for maintaining medical and dental insurance and copays and out of pocket expenses for her healthcare. That will eventually include orthodontia.

We went from having a HHI that accommodated a fairly cushy life to having two lower incomes. I found a 1 bedroom + den apartment in the same general area. I negotiated to get rent concessions for the first year I was there. I bought a bunch of second hand furniture. I stopped going out to eat and cooked at home more. My daughter was 2. The mornings were sometimes chaotic. I tried to do as much preparation in the evening when she was in bed. I'd shower and dry my hair, put together lunches for us, take care of prep for dinner the next day, clean up, etc.

My marriage had different issues than it sounds like your marriage has, but one thing that may be true for you as it was for me is how much easier my life became when I didn't need to accommodate or work around my ex. When I was in charge of all house stuff and childcare, I was able to focus on those things and just get it done without expending the emotional energy of being angry and disappointed at having to do it alone. DD and I had a sweet life together. We became a lot closer. I enjoyed spending time with her more when I wasn't feeling anxious and unhappy all the time. I think that her relationship with her dad also improved in that he had to step up. He had to learn what to feed her, how to do bedtime, how to do bath time, etc. He had to be present and engage with her. When it was his time, there was no one mediating their relationship, and when it was my time, there was no one mediating our relationship. Outside of the relief of not being married to him anymore, I think that divorce actually made me a much better parent.

But it's definitely overwhelming at first. [/quote]

Emotionally, this is how things were for me. I had less financial support (and virtual nine now), but I wouldn’t trade my bank account during that marriage for the life I and my kids have now. Free of fear and anger we thrived. Even on the most exhausting days, even on the nights that I couldn’t imagine the bills ever being manageable. When my younger daughter wrote in school that our apartment was her favorite place in the world, I knew we were okay. [/quote]

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