Walk me through the logistics of setting up your new life if you divorced while your kid was a baby.

[Anonymous]

My marriage is hanging by a thread and I'm terrified thinking about how I could survive as a single parent. Our child is 10 months and goes to daycare part-time. I work part-time. We own a modest home in a nice neighborhood but we are not wealthy. My husband is very difficult, but a devoted and hands-on father and does a lot of the housework. I understand that I'll need to go back to full-time work (I can keep my job and increase my hours), and I'm fairly certain day care can accommodate us five days/week. But I don't know how we could afford a split or make it work logistically. The baby is increasingly mobile and on the cusp of walking, and needs a lot of attention. How would I even get dressed in the morning? Do we sell our large apartment and both rent smaller ones? Do we try to rent apartments in the same building?

This feels so selfish and foolish. But we fight so much - probably 90% instigated by my husband - and it's not an emotionally healthy environment for the baby. I don't think we can fix this, and I don't want my child growing up thinking this is normal. (That is how my husband came to be the way he is.)

So if you've been through this, what are the first, say, 10 steps to setting up a manageable single-parent life?

[Anonymous]

I stayed in our home, which I regret due to the financial strain. I really should have moved into an apartment that I could afford easily.

Emotionally, doing it at that age was very easy for DD. She never remembered any different family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed in our home, which I regret due to the financial strain. I really should have moved into an apartment that I could afford easily.

Emotionally, doing it at that age was very easy for DD. She never remembered any different family life.

Did you remarry / find another partner? Do you have any regrets?

[Anonymous]

If you are really going to do it, just know that so many people have been in your situation and have done it successfully. It will take time though. I have always been a single mom but I also had a single mom as a role model. I have never owned a home so maybe other posters can comment about what they did in that area. That's great if you can stay at the same job and increase the hours. If daycare can take the baby full-time, you have just eliminated 2 huge stressors from your new life. As for getting dressed, you can wake up earlier than the baby. I hate getting up early so I slept as long as possible. I would feed my son and then put him in my room while I got ready. He had toys in one corner of my room as well as books. When he got older, he watched TV in my room while I got ready. This is very doable and you will have breaks sometimes when you ex takes the child. Visitation schedules might need to change as the child gets older but you can figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed in our home, which I regret due to the financial strain. I really should have moved into an apartment that I could afford easily.

Emotionally, doing it at that age was very easy for DD. She never remembered any different family life.

Did you remarry / find another partner? Do you have any regrets?

I started dating casually after 2 years. I did that for 4 years and took a break. After 18 mos., I met the man I eventually remarried. We dated 4 years and then married two years ago.

I should clarify that remarriage was not a priority for me. I really just wanted peace and stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stayed in our home, which I regret due to the financial strain. I really should have moved into an apartment that I could afford easily.

Emotionally, doing it at that age was very easy for DD. She never remembered any different family life.

Did you remarry / find another partner? Do you have any regrets?

I started dating casually after 2 years. I did that for 4 years and took a break. After 18 mos., I met the man I eventually remarried. We dated 4 years and then married two years ago.

I should clarify that remarriage was not a priority for me. I really just wanted peace and stability.

I should add that my only regrets were not divorcing sooner and staying in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are really going to do it, just know that so many people have been in your situation and have done it successfully. It will take time though. I have always been a single mom but I also had a single mom as a role model. I have never owned a home so maybe other posters can comment about what they did in that area. That's great if you can stay at the same job and increase the hours. If daycare can take the baby full-time, you have just eliminated 2 huge stressors from your new life. As for getting dressed, you can wake up earlier than the baby. I hate getting up early so I slept as long as possible. I would feed my son and then put him in my room while I got ready. He had toys in one corner of my room as well as books. When he got older, he watched TV in my room while I got ready. This is very doable and you will have breaks sometimes when you ex takes the child. Visitation schedules might need to change as the child gets older but you can figure it out.

Thank you. There has been no divorce in my family so this is new territory. My child is a very early riser so it would be more or less impossible for me to wake up any earlier. I guess I could get used to going to bed by 9:00 and waking up at 5:00. Baby is also not content to play alone for more than 20 minutes, if I'm lucky. Husband and I tag team in the mornings.

[Anonymous]

My friend went through this and it has worked out. They sold their house and rented two apartments. They alternate custody. They have both met new people and their child thinks it's normal to have two houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are really going to do it, just know that so many people have been in your situation and have done it successfully. It will take time though. I have always been a single mom but I also had a single mom as a role model. I have never owned a home so maybe other posters can comment about what they did in that area. That's great if you can stay at the same job and increase the hours. If daycare can take the baby full-time, you have just eliminated 2 huge stressors from your new life. As for getting dressed, you can wake up earlier than the baby. I hate getting up early so I slept as long as possible. I would feed my son and then put him in my room while I got ready. He had toys in one corner of my room as well as books. When he got older, he watched TV in my room while I got ready. This is very doable and you will have breaks sometimes when you ex takes the child. Visitation schedules might need to change as the child gets older but you can figure it out.

Thank you. There has been no divorce in my family so this is new territory. My child is a very early riser so it would be more or less impossible for me to wake up any earlier. I guess I could get used to going to bed by 9:00 and waking up at 5:00. Baby is also not content to play alone for more than 20 minutes, if I'm lucky. Husband and I tag team in the mornings.

OP- if either of you are absolutely 110% adamant about divorce, that be one thing, but I was in a very similar sounding situation to yours and my marriage improved dramatically when the baby was around 13-14months old. We still need to pursue marriage counseling to work on communication and lots of built up resentment, but we no longer scream at each other and talk about divorce. Please see a marriage counselor or seek outside help if you think there is anything at all worth salvaging in your marriage. I think for us, the baby was such a hug change and we said a lot of awful things to each other in the early sleep deprived days. And once the baby started STTN it took a really long time to catch up and feel somewhat well rested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are really going to do it, just know that so many people have been in your situation and have done it successfully. It will take time though. I have always been a single mom but I also had a single mom as a role model. I have never owned a home so maybe other posters can comment about what they did in that area. That's great if you can stay at the same job and increase the hours. If daycare can take the baby full-time, you have just eliminated 2 huge stressors from your new life. As for getting dressed, you can wake up earlier than the baby. I hate getting up early so I slept as long as possible. I would feed my son and then put him in my room while I got ready. He had toys in one corner of my room as well as books. When he got older, he watched TV in my room while I got ready. This is very doable and you will have breaks sometimes when you ex takes the child. Visitation schedules might need to change as the child gets older but you can figure it out.

Thank you. There has been no divorce in my family so this is new territory. My child is a very early riser so it would be more or less impossible for me to wake up any earlier. I guess I could get used to going to bed by 9:00 and waking up at 5:00. Baby is also not content to play alone for more than 20 minutes, if I'm lucky. Husband and I tag team in the mornings.

OP- if either of you are absolutely 110% adamant about divorce, that be one thing, but I was in a very similar sounding situation to yours and my marriage improved dramatically when the baby was around 13-14months old. We still need to pursue marriage counseling to work on communication and lots of built up resentment, but we no longer scream at each other and talk about divorce. Please see a marriage counselor or seek outside help if you think there is anything at all worth salvaging in your marriage. I think for us, the baby was such a hug change and we said a lot of awful things to each other in the early sleep deprived days. And once the baby started STTN it took a really long time to catch up and feel somewhat well rested.

Agree if you are at all interested in trying to make it work. Obviously, this is heavily dependent on what your husband was like before the baby. Was he combative and picking fights before or is this new? If it's new, it could definitely be baby related angst. DH and I really struggled at around 10 months when DD was still not sleeping through the night, was getting more mobile and harder to passively entertain, we were both back at work full time so needed our sleep, etc. So consider if the addition of the baby has pushed preexisting bad behavior from "not great but can deal with it" to "I can't deal with this sh*t anymore" or if this is new behavior caused by stress and sleep deprivation.

[Anonymous]

OP- if either of you are absolutely 110% adamant about divorce, that be one thing, but I was in a very similar sounding situation to yours and my marriage improved dramatically when the baby was around 13-14months old. We still need to pursue marriage counseling to work on communication and lots of built up resentment, but we no longer scream at each other and talk about divorce. Please see a marriage counselor or seek outside help if you think there is anything at all worth salvaging in your marriage. I think for us, the baby was such a hug change and we said a lot of awful things to each other in the early sleep deprived days. And once the baby started STTN it took a really long time to catch up and feel somewhat well rested.

+1 to this. Your baby is still so new, so if your husband's behavior is a new thing also, I'd give it a few months. If you are committed to divorce, I think things will be okay too. Other PPs have already given you good advice about that. My heart goes out to you - this is tough stuff.

[Anonymous]

I’m not divorced but doe to some circumstances am single parenting. For me the parenting is the easiest because I figured out a system and schedule that I can live with. DH throws a wrench in bc there’s an expectation of help but then he dies not deliver. Now, there are no expectations and no missed expectations, and no fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP- if either of you are absolutely 110% adamant about divorce, that be one thing, but I was in a very similar sounding situation to yours and my marriage improved dramatically when the baby was around 13-14months old. We still need to pursue marriage counseling to work on communication and lots of built up resentment, but we no longer scream at each other and talk about divorce. Please see a marriage counselor or seek outside help if you think there is anything at all worth salvaging in your marriage. I think for us, the baby was such a hug change and we said a lot of awful things to each other in the early sleep deprived days. And once the baby started STTN it took a really long time to catch up and feel somewhat well rested.

+1 to this. Your baby is still so new, so if your husband's behavior is a new thing also, I'd give it a few months. If you are committed to divorce, I think things will be okay too. Other PPs have already given you good advice about that. My heart goes out to you - this is tough stuff.

Unfortunately this is not new. But I am aware that the baby has added a lot of stress to our lives. In some ways, though, it's brought us together as we share mission to raise and protect our child.

[Anonymous]

Not telling you to stay together, but realize that whatever problems you have now being able to resolve disagreements will only get worse when you are divorced and co-parenting. Your DH won’t suddenly become reasonable when you think your DC will go to summer camp A and he thinks they should go to summer camp B. I would strongly recommend you go to couple therapy, if not with the goal of staying together, with the goal of learning how to resolve conflicts. You can divorce him, but will have to coparent together for 18+ years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP- if either of you are absolutely 110% adamant about divorce, that be one thing, but I was in a very similar sounding situation to yours and my marriage improved dramatically when the baby was around 13-14months old. We still need to pursue marriage counseling to work on communication and lots of built up resentment, but we no longer scream at each other and talk about divorce. Please see a marriage counselor or seek outside help if you think there is anything at all worth salvaging in your marriage. I think for us, the baby was such a hug change and we said a lot of awful things to each other in the early sleep deprived days. And once the baby started STTN it took a really long time to catch up and feel somewhat well rested.

+1 to this. Your baby is still so new, so if your husband's behavior is a new thing also, I'd give it a few months. If you are committed to divorce, I think things will be okay too. Other PPs have already given you good advice about that. My heart goes out to you - this is tough stuff.

Unfortunately this is not new. But I am aware that the baby has added a lot of stress to our lives. In some ways, though, it's brought us together as we share mission to raise and protect our child.

Sometimes, this is the best situation for amicable divorce and coparenting. You can take a project-based approach to parenting and don’t have to deal with each other otherwise.