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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]One thing that is important to consider:  when a young, healthy spouse no longer wants sex, I'd always keep in mind the possibility of a past sexual trauma that the spouse is not telling you about, male or female.  And yes, that spouse has a responsibility to address the issue but just know, this can take years.  Years.  A supportive, kind, patient, loving spouse can help the survivor heal.  [/quote]

The question would arise: why did this trauma not affect them during the courtship and early marriage, but suddenly is a show-stopping problem at some point years into the marriage?

Frankly this makes the "trauma" sound like a contrived excuse. The real problem is they have stopped being attracted to you for some reason. From what I can tell from DCUM, the track record of a spouse (especially a woman) becoming re-attracted once they have lost attraction is not very good at all.[/quote]

There are strong psychological reasons for trauma issues not showing up early on in a relationship.  Sometimes people are so in love, that overrides the traumatic reactions.  Sometimes people are successful in pushing trauma away for a long time.  Often the birth of children brings up a lot of issues for people.  And sometimes it takes the security and stability of a loving marriage for people to allow their walls to come down.  
For me, I was sexually abused as a kid.  I was aware of some of the ways this affected me, but not all.  It took 5 years into our marriage for things to hit really hard.  Put it this way, I had trouble changing my own kids' diapers because even though I knew it was necessary and caretaking to do so, I could not stop the feeling that I was somehow violating them by changing diapers.  I know it might sound crazy, but that's how I felt.  It was awful.  Sex is iffy for me.  I work really hard at being a good sport and focusing on loving my spouse during sex.  But he's had to also work hard at understanding my issues.  There are some things I just can't do.  And my whole "wiring" is kind of off.  We've had to be really patient and kind to eachother.  It has helped that no matter what, I have committed to once a week sex at minimum.  And if I'm able, I'll offer a BJ or something similar where I can.  I try to be enthusiastic even if I'm not.

I guess I just wanted to throw that out there because men have trauma histories too.  Something like 20-30% of all men have been sexually abused/assaulted/raped and something like 30%+ of all women have been abused or assaulted/raped.  It really is not just people making excuses.  There are lifelong consequences to this stuff.[/quote]

That is a very elaborate story, and no matter how you spin it, regardless of intention, it is still a bait-and-switch for which the only fair thing is to open the marriage while you work through your sexual issues in therapy.[/quote]

Bait and switch?  Seriously?  So, when he didn't take care of himself for years and ended up with a 5 figure medical bill, uncovered by insurance, would you say the same thing?  Should I have had an affair while he worked a second job to pay off his bill?  Or when he quit his job early in our marriage, while I was newly pregnant, and leaving us with no health insurance, should I have divorced him?  No.  Love doesn't do that.  I don't think anyone should have to deal with no sex forever.  But plenty of people don't have sex at all or hardly at all when they have young children at home.  Or when a spouse takes ill.  Or for many other reasons.  Believe me, I didn't choose to have my parents molest me.  I didn't choose to have a neighbor hold a lighter over me, threatening to burn me if I said a word while he jacked off on me when I was 11 years old.  This was NOT bait and switch.  This was ME, a human woman, coming to terms with extreme abuse, within the context of a the steady, solid, love of a man who is and was kind and faithful to me.  I was not waiting around going "aha, I have him now, now I'm going to make him suffer".  No, I was curled up like a ball in the bathroom crying at 3 a.m. because I was having flashbacks.

You are not a good person.  Please work on yourself.[/quote]

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