Reply to Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

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Reply to "Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thank you. You are so kind.  I really appreciate it.  I wish you were my spouse.  It's been so hard and I don't get what I did.[/quote]

This is meant kindly. You married a person who is not a team player and not on your side. Having a team orientation toward your spouse and family is really the only path to a successful marriage. He can learn it. It's going to take a lot of work. It's his work to do though, not yours. These are his lies and his amends to make.[/quote]

I know.  I just don't think he'll do it.  He said he would send the emails if I drafted them, or write letters if I told him what to write, but he's not going to talk to his friends in person. He says that I'm making it a bigger deal than it needs to be and I'm just going to make people feel uncomfortable.  I think he wants a letter where he doesn't specifically address lies, but just tells truths, like "DW is a great mom and great wife -- here's our family trip picture."  But, of course all these people are on FB, so some of that, they must already be seeing.

Starting this thread has reopened the wound that I thought was healing, though, too.  I'm not a person with low self-esteem, or at least, I don't think I am.  I try to be very fair and trusting in the relationship, especially because I'm naturally a bit jealous, so I work to listen and ignore my own gut.  And, now I ended up in this mess, and just feel like I must have done something wrong in a prior lifetime.  I feel like I lost all my self-esteem in the past couple weeks.
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I know you feel humiliated and you want to fix it because it is an unpleasant way to feel, so you're holding onto these letters as a quick fix (to help you feel less humiliated in the short term), but the reason I suggested that you go to counseling before your spouse confronts his friends is because the letters aren't really a solution that will work (especially not as you describe). Get to a counselor first. Go tomorrow. Get an urgent care appointment and get started. You will have to tolerate feeling humiliated for a few more hours/days until you can begin doing the work you need to do. I can 100% guarantee that the e-mails/letters you have described will not get you the closure for which you seek.[/quote]

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