Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is the issue, not the friends. I would not write the friends and address it with him.

Seriously. DH is as scared as me is not true, he got you both into this mess and was incredibly disrespectful it sounds like throughout your courtship and marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP I hope you come to realize that your husband is lying to you. He doesn't actually love you and it sounds like, never has. You found out the truth and now he is lying to cover it up again. Get out, good luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm not saying this to hurt you further but, prepare yourself emotionally for the revelation that he has cheated--and that they have given him cover for it. His "fear" (IMO) is that once the air is cleared with his "friends" his infidelities will be revealed--and he won't have a way to see his side piece that his friends think is "presentable" anymore.

I'm not going to tell you that your DH is a coward and a liar, because I think in your heart, you already know this.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are a fool. Or a troll.

[Anonymous]

Some people on DCUM should meet up and beat THE SHIT out of this DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were one of those friends your husband talked to I would think it and you were even weirder if I got such a letter. You sound very young and immature yourself. You aren't even close to dealing with this as a mature adult. You can't make people like you. Give up on that now.

You can’t fix this with a letter. This type of letter will just confirm every terrible thing he’s said about you over the years and then some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is the issue, not the friends. I would not write the friends and address it with him.

+1 There's nothing "very sweet" about shittalking your girlfriend/fiance/wife/mother of your kids to your friends for years. You're delusional if you think he's "as scared as you" about the situation he purposefully created.

And for crying out loud, it's pact.

How strange. You married a rude weasily moron with rude moron friends and THEY want to know when he is divorcing YOU?
They don’t even realize NOW how lucky this guy is to be married to anyone considering his consistently stupid inconsiderate behavior ? I don’t know what to say. This is a level of crass stupidity that I’ve never witnessed before.

Where do you people live, how old and what kind of work do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying this to hurt you further but, prepare yourself emotionally for the revelation that he has cheated--and that they have given him cover for it. His "fear" (IMO) is that once the air is cleared with his "friends" his infidelities will be revealed--and he won't have a way to see his side piece that his friends think is "presentable" anymore.

I'm not going to tell you that your DH is a coward and a liar, because I think in your heart, you already know this.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not saying this to hurt you further but, prepare yourself emotionally for the revelation that he has cheated--and that they have given him cover for it. His "fear" (IMO) is that once the air is cleared with his "friends" his infidelities will be revealed--and he won't have a way to see his side piece that his friends think is "presentable" anymore.

I'm not going to tell you that your DH is a coward and a liar, because I think in your heart, you already know this.

This.

Jeeze you are absolutely right. He wouldn't go on couples vacations alone...he bad mouths his wife so his affair partner is accepted. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, we will try to go to counseling tomorrow or as soon as we can get an appointment. DH will definitely agree to that. I feel a bit emotionally exhausted and cannot imagine talking to a counselor (even this threat has been hell for me).

Obviously, I wish I could turn back time and dump him and not have had two kids at least. But, I wanted children so badly, so I wonder if I was purposefully blind to the way he was treating me and this is my fault. In any case, I can not turn back time and I am not going to make the children suffer, so I will have to somehow make it work.

I don’t see why you would spend any time trying to convince his weird friends anything about you. Why waste your time? You’re not going to spend time with these people are you? You should not. Neither should he but I guess you will have to wait for him to grow up (perhaps in counseling). Don’t you have your own friends and family to spend time with? Stick to giving emotional energy to decent people who deserve your time.

If anyone should be sending a letter or explaining anything to these people it’s your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am okay with what my husband has done. It has been an emotional rollercoaster with a lot of crying and screaming (me) and pleading (him), but I have forgiven him fully and want to start fresh.

I get what happened. He was 30 when we met but was a teenager at heart and just didn't know what to do when he met his wife. According to him, he knew from day one and that is why he was so nervous. In his prior relationships, there was less pressure, so he could be more open.

Plus, we also have two kids together so I'm trying to be the mature and responsible one here. We will go to counseling and try to sort it out, but meanwhile, I need to know if his friends will accept me. I can't ask DH to choose me versus his friends, because he either chooses me (and his friends hate me even more) or he chooses his friends (and I lose him and our kids lose a dad). I don't see how DH and I will have a good foundation for a relationship as long as all his friends hate me and they are constantly trying to get him "out." I want his friends to like me, and he is willing to write the letters instead to make this work. What should he say? We both just want to repair this damage.

What? With two kids, a wife and hopefully a full time job how does he even have time for these ‘friends’? Does he play with the kids or care for them at all?
You two really need to grow up. And probably move and make some new decent, respectable friends. He can’t be friends with these people it’s just never going to work - they are destructive and dumb as dirt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure your DH ever stopped being immature. So he joked about this and dug himself a deep hole... It sounds like it then took on a life of its own within his friends and he just either passively or actively let it continue to roll and gather steam.

And not point in the last 4 years did he decide that this had gone too far and that he needed to stop it? He must have continued the act at these couples weekends to explain your absence. He accepted people thinking bad things about you and you being excluded to avoid coming clean.

You need couples counseling stat. Your husband not only doesn't have your back, he is actively working to put you down. You may both need to walk away from that whole group of friends and start with other friends or your friends. He needs to be willing to give up that group of friends Who cares what they think. You need to fix your marriage first.

These were not couples weekends. One of them was a big trip to Vegas and another to Austin. It was coed -- so girls were invited and guys were invited and everyone brought their so. He didn't have to continue an act -- he says his friends told them that I wasn't invited both times, so it wasn't his idea, and he just went along with it.

OP back again. Sorry, what??? He has to walk away from those friends? No. He won't do that. He told me that he will blame me for the rest of my life and resent me if I do anything to hurt these friendships. He or I need to somehow win back these friends years and years later. He is willing to tell the truth and come clean, and write letters.

He has chosen his friends over you. He is worried about hurting his friends, but not about hurting you ?I don't think his friends are bad people but his friends are always going to come first. After what he has done, he would resent you for needing him to have space from these friends? Doesn't that tell you all you need to know? His relationship with these friends is toxic to you and to your marriage - he created the toxicity over years and a letter won't fix that. You are never going to just be one of the guys and have them see you in a different way. Any action he takes to correct this with them will still be seen through the lens of you as the bad person. Him coming clean will just sound like the ball and chain making him say certain things because she found out he was talking about her behind her back. The friends don't need to go because they've done something wrong, the friends need to go for you to heal your relationship with your husband. he needs to make some sacrifices for you, one being this group of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I found out about all this bad-mouthing years and two-kids later, when I heard a concerned friend talk to him in our pantry about "getting out" because he was so unhappy and just "pretending". It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks as I confronted him and then he has started to open up about the issues and I have started to piece them together. We are talking about counseling, but I want to know if I can ever bounce back from being bad-mouthed with his friends.

Wait, wait, wait. Your husband said this, and your concern about it is what his friends think?? You're saying you are a-ok with being treated like crap, you just don't want other people knowing it.

+1 that is NUTS, OP!!! I’m just speechless. No words.

I know - this is just too stupid for me, I’m out!

[Anonymous]

He's cheated on you. Not a doubt in my mind.

This isn't yours to fix. It's his. The fact that he won't or wants you to do it just further shows that HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. Honestly, it sounds like you only want to live in denial, so good luck. You're a horrible role model for your children so don't be surprised when they wind up in bad relationships when they are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I found out about all this bad-mouthing years and two-kids later, when I heard a concerned friend talk to him in our pantry about "getting out" because he was so unhappy and just "pretending". It's been an emotional roller coaster over the past few weeks as I confronted him and then he has started to open up about the issues and I have started to piece them together. We are talking about counseling, but I want to know if I can ever bounce back from being bad-mouthed with his friends.

Wait, wait, wait. Your husband said this, and your concern about it is what his friends think?? You're saying you are a-ok with being treated like crap, you just don't want other people knowing it.

+1 that is NUTS, OP!!! I’m just speechless. No words.

I know - this is just too stupid for me, I’m out!

Yup. Op is one of those sad, pathetic women who have low self esteem and think having a man is the most important thing.