Frustrated with anti-social wife/mom

[Anonymous]

You seem very concerned about the social life of a four year old. Do you ever spend any one on one time with your child? Do you that no she would even like tennis? Expecting to enroll your four year old in a class so that she can make new friends for you both seems like a lot to put on a little girl. You don't seem to be thinking of her as a real person at all, only certain attributes of a person that can be helpful to you. I hope that you do divorce your wife and maybe she can find someone who will be a real father to this child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's an introvert and perhaps gets highly anxious around crowds - and maybe she's not explaining this to you because she hasn't figured it out yet.

It took me until my mid-30s to accept that I had an anxiety disorder around social situations. My family has taboos about discussing health and especially mental health. We're all supposed to be fine all the time.

So let's say you don't believe in marriage through thick and thin, but just as a convenience. Do you realize your spouse will get joint custody and your daughter will likely be WAY MORE affected because she will be starved from social contact when she's at her mother's house and there's not one thing you'll be able to do about it? Whereas if you keep living together, YOU can be the proactive parent, and organize your daughter's social life.

What I mean to say is - do your job, Dad. Why should it be the mother's job? Your wife is gracious enough to not fight your country club suggestion even thought it's the last thing she wants to do, so go for it. Socialize for your daughter's sake. Sign her up for tennis lessons and all the rest of it. You'll be doing the same job if you separate or divorce anyway, and your wife won't be around to watch her when you drink at the bar with your buddies or go do a round of golf.

Funny typo, don’t think OP will respect $900 salary.. thanks for the giggle.

[Anonymous]

I think you should leave her alone but..........

I'll never understand the "stay at home mom" that puts her kid in daycare for 6 hours a day, that's only 2 hours short of an entire workday. That is bizarre.

I'm a SAHM of five with a toddler and the most I've done is a 3 day a week, 3 hour a day preschool. Did I mention I run my own business as well? It's NOT an mlm, it's my own business.

If she wants to be anti-social, let her be. If it's a tipping point in the marriage, separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think you should leave her alone but..........

I'll never understand the "stay at home mom" that puts her kid in daycare for 6 hours a day, that's only 2 hours short of an entire workday. That is bizarre.

I'm a SAHM of five with a toddler and the most I've done is a 3 day a week, 3 hour a day preschool. Did I mention I run my own business as well? It's NOT an mlm, it's my own business.

If she wants to be anti-social, let her be. If it's a tipping point in the marriage, separate.

I was depressed as a SAHM. I got even more depressed when we put DD in daycare (a spot opened up at the one we liked and I was trying to get a job). It's just not healthy to sit around all day doing nothing. Like OP's DW, I also didn't want to socialize and filled my day with shopping.

That being said, no way in hell would I want to socialize with people at a country club. I grew up going to one and they are the phoniest people I've ever met. Plus, the food always sucks. I also don't get why you want a 4 year old to learn tennis, that's pretty young.

I think you should talk to your DW about her working again, even if it's part time, and find social outlets other than a country club. And counseling for you both. It's tough being depressed, and equally tough being the spouse of someone who is depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound a lot like my husband, right down to your misuse of the word "anti-social".

Did you happen to move to America from the east?

Seriously, this is very annoying and makes the post difficult to read. Is the OPs wife a psychopath, or does she just not like to have a lot of play dates?

[Anonymous]

I feel like the subtext here is that you make a lot of money but aren't from a UC background. And you have the mistaken idea that joining a CC and putting your daughter in tennis is what the type of person you aspire to be would do. And you resent that your wife isn't enthusiastic about social climbing like you.

you really need to look at your values. You say that you worry about the effect that your wife being antisocial will have on your daughter yet you are planning to divorce your daughters mother when she is 6 without even attempting counseling or to understand what is wrong with your wife? How do you picture your custody situation post divorce considering she is a SAHM? My guess would be her with full physical and you with visitation. Get a grip. Figure it out. This is who you chose to procreate with. It's not a surprise that she would change as change is inevitable. You need to do the work to have a good relationship and it does not sound like you have done anything other than complain, dream of moving up in society, and threaten to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like the subtext here is that you make a lot of money but aren't from a UC background. And you have the mistaken idea that joining a CC and putting your daughter in tennis is what the type of person you aspire to be would do. And you resent that your wife isn't enthusiastic about social climbing like you.

you really need to look at your values. You say that you worry about the effect that your wife being antisocial will have on your daughter yet you are planning to divorce your daughters mother when she is 6 without even attempting counseling or to understand what is wrong with your wife? How do you picture your custody situation post divorce considering she is a SAHM? My guess would be her with full physical and you with visitation. Get a grip. Figure it out. This is who you chose to procreate with. It's not a surprise that she would change as change is inevitable. You need to do the work to have a good relationship and it does not sound like you have done anything other than complain, dream of moving up in society, and threaten to leave.

I agree with the subtext here. I am going to add that the wife in this situation probably IS from an UC background, which is part of the reason he married her. And if she was good at the social climbing stuff, she never would have married OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are you fooling? Joining a country club for the kid's tennis lessons and socializing... Are you upset that your wife is not helping you with the social ladder climb?

This is the jist I’m getting too.

Now, I’m not a mom, but I am an introvert and my job exhausts me so I can relate to your wife. I’m not a big shopper but running is my “solo” activity and I do it 6 days a week. I don’t like hanging out with other people just for the sake of hanging out and making connections. I’m not a user, I don’t feel the need to impress people or hang out with a swanky crowd. When I am not working, my preference is to spend time at home and recharge and relax. I have a cozy, wonderful home and I like to make good use out of it! This doesn’t mean I’m depressed by any means.

Now, the differences here are that if your wife is a SAHM then she’s probably not exhausted because at work I deal with people and their emotions and needs all day long and I just want some damn alone time at the end of the day. It doesn’t seem she has that problem especially if your daughter goes to day care 6 hours a day (like another poster said, I don’t get that. What exactly is the point of being a SAHM then?). Also shopping is a popular pastime but if it’s to the point where it’s stretching your budget thin or making the house look like something out of Hoarders, it’s a problem.

I think you need to have an honest, non-judgmental, caring conversation with your wife. She won’t respond well if you make her feel like she’s being attacked or forced to do something she doesn’t want to. I have nothing against her not wanting to be social at all, but I do wonder why she shops so much if she never goes anywhere, or why she can’t get at least a part time job if she’s not actually watching your child most of the day.

[Anonymous]

i see lots of red flags here. She may be an introvert, but she should still have friends and regularly interact with people. She shouldn't be shopping all day.... is she filling some kind of void? She sounds depressed and I think she needs help. Please approach it from a caring perspective.... your wife is probably hurting and needs some help getting back to feeling good and being around people again.

The country club issue is a non-issue. I don't know your wife, but the CC may not be her seen and she may not value it. And that is fine! I do think she should have some kind of social outlet or friends or group.

Your daughter can do tennis and sports without doing it at the country club. Your daughter is four. She is young and resilient. Your wife needs help. Please get her some help and instead of resenting her for where she is try to have compassion and care for her. And i totally understand how it can turn into resentment! I really can see how that happens because you just want a happy family and socializing and being happy is easy for you and you don't understand why she can't just do it. She seems stuck though.

I am an introvert and parties and groups make me uncomfortable, but i find ways to be social and have connection to other people. Everyone needs that. I think it's concerning that she is so isolated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been married for six years (together for almost eight) with a four year old daughter. Over the years my wife and I have grown apart, I can't deny that. We've discussed our marriage and the issues we have, to the point where we discussed separating (discussed, not argued). The bottom line is, and we both agree, that we are just different people now. I'm more extrovert and she's become anti-social. We don't have the same interests anymore (compared to when we were dating). Everything has changed. When we got married I became more serious and mature, she stayed the same. Now, with a kid it's become a problem with our marriage.

She's a stay at home mom and our daughter is great. Very smart, mature and highly social. We send our daughter to pre-school/day care for six hours a day so she can socialize and it gives my wife time to herself for whatever (errands, shopping, cleaning the house, free time, etc). Recently, I've discussed joining a country club because I want our daughter to take up tennis and create new friends. I've been very fortunate to do well in my career. When discussing joining the country club my wife says "I won't do anything there, it's just for you and our daughter". For years I've tried to get my wife to become more social, to make some friends. But, every chance she gets she doesn't. I'm very frustrated because I can't imagine not wanting to be part of a place where you can meet people and at the same time your kid can play sports and meet new friends (since she's an only child).

She's not opposed to joining, she's just doesn't want anything to do with socializing. Her main hobby is shopping - literally. She would rather stay at home on the internet/iPhone than go out and socialize with other moms or people. I don't know what to do anymore, every turn she becomes more anti-social and I know down the line it's going to impact my daughter who is VERY outgoing. If I had to bet I would say we will likely separate within the next two years. We're in our 40s and we have discussed separating several times. It's so hard coming home to a house where your spouse and you don't agree on almost anything. We even disagree on how to raise our daughter! That's the worse part.

I don't know why I'm posting here. Perhaps I need to vent and parts of my life I don't care to vent to my friends. Now, the question is do I join the country club and take my daughter to her classes myself and use the club myself? Is it worth it considering my marriage not work? Do I do it just for my daughter?

I could have written this... I sympathize OP. My DH has gotten so anti-social as the years pass. I try not to let it get to me, but if I am being honest, it does. I knew he was on the reserved side when we married but it's gone to another level over the 12 years we've been together.
He works from home, so he's alone all day. All of his hobbies are solitary activities. He moved to our town from another state as an adult, so he has no old friends. He has a best friend that he converses with online that lives where he grew up. I am highly social and extroverted and have an easy time making friends and being in public. All of our couple friends, are friendships I've cultivated. He never ever makes plans for us. He has almost no contact with his family. DD and I are his life. I have a good sized family that I'm close to. He's around them often but he complains about them and say they bug him. Its gotten a bit better recently as he's gotten closer with some of my girlfriends husbands. But there were years where there was no one.
I don't know what to do either. Sometimes it drives me crazy and i wonder how i married someone so polar opposite of myself.
On the flip side, do i want a happy marriage? yes. He's a good loving man that works hard and is a great father. I never have to wonder where he is. He's not out late with the boys (though i wish he would sometimes) doing distasteful things that make me worry.
It could be a lot worse.
I vote for joining the Country Club. We also belong to one and I make use of the membership very frequently and he does not. I realize I have to stop pushing things on him that make me happy, and accept that he doesn't feel the same way.
Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get thee to a marriage therapist yesterday. Do not throw divorce around so lightly - it will change who your daughter is as a person and you will see much less of her.

This.

There are options between your current reality and divorce. Please explore counseling. See if there are ways to build a marriage and partnership around each other's strengths and wishes - not around what one person wants the other to be (or not). I married someone who approaches life VERY differently than I do and I didn't realize how bit a problem that could be when parenting - but we are working it through (with help). For us it is starting w/ me accepting that my partner will never be the "perfect" partner I want. But I can learn to appreciate what he brings to the table and where we are complementary. And I can stop being mad at him for who he is. That isn't fair.

Also, don't rule out the possibility of depression. But don't leap to conclusions based on how you see things - find out what is really going on w/ your wife - and a therapist will help you set up an environment that will support effective communication.

Do it for your daughter. Country clubs, stay at home moms, all the privileges in the world will not make up for giving her a home w/ two loving, happy parents.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she needs a job, some passions beside shopping online. sounds like she's trying to fill a void and is depressed and hence more anti-social. perhaps she's leading a life of quiet desperation. the issue is not the country club, its her introversion and alienation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's depressed. She needs more out of life than what she's getting.

I could be your wife. However, I used to be very social until life kind of turned me around.
Sounds like anxiety treated with shopping therapy. I somewhat unlearned small talk and now it seems a lot of energy for little in return.
Our two DD are very social as well and I support them in that. Is your wife supporting your DD in getting out there and conquering her little world?
You say you have different parenting styles. What does your wife value?

[Anonymous]

why is everyone piling on the OP. All she does is shop and spend the money he makes! Being that anti social is weird and frustrating ofr a couple and especially challenging for an outgoing and only child. Growing up with a "village' is a wonderful thing for kids. OP I think you should go ahead and separate and make this a trial run for your new life. Join the club as well and take your daughter to activities there. I think you will be so much happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why is everyone piling on the OP. All she does is shop and spend the money he makes! Being that anti social is weird and frustrating ofr a couple and especially challenging for an outgoing and only child. Growing up with a "village' is a wonderful thing for kids. OP I think you should go ahead and separate and make this a trial run for your new life. Join the club as well and take your daughter to activities there. I think you will be so much happier.

i think he should try to help her and change things first. If that doesn't work then you got to do what's best for you and move on. However, it sounds like his wife is depressed and she may need some help identifying that she is depressed and then getting help. If she is set in her ways and not willing to work on her relationship then that is a bigger problem. I don't think they are there.