Frustrated with anti-social wife/mom

[Anonymous]

Been married for six years (together for almost eight) with a four year old daughter. Over the years my wife and I have grown apart, I can't deny that. We've discussed our marriage and the issues we have, to the point where we discussed separating (discussed, not argued). The bottom line is, and we both agree, that we are just different people now. I'm more extrovert and she's become anti-social. We don't have the same interests anymore (compared to when we were dating). Everything has changed. When we got married I became more serious and mature, she stayed the same. Now, with a kid it's become a problem with our marriage.

She's a stay at home mom and our daughter is great. Very smart, mature and highly social. We send our daughter to pre-school/day care for six hours a day so she can socialize and it gives my wife time to herself for whatever (errands, shopping, cleaning the house, free time, etc). Recently, I've discussed joining a country club because I want our daughter to take up tennis and create new friends. I've been very fortunate to do well in my career. When discussing joining the country club my wife says "I won't do anything there, it's just for you and our daughter". For years I've tried to get my wife to become more social, to make some friends. But, every chance she gets she doesn't. I'm very frustrated because I can't imagine not wanting to be part of a place where you can meet people and at the same time your kid can play sports and meet new friends (since she's an only child).

She's not opposed to joining, she's just doesn't want anything to do with socializing. Her main hobby is shopping - literally. She would rather stay at home on the internet/iPhone than go out and socialize with other moms or people. I don't know what to do anymore, every turn she becomes more anti-social and I know down the line it's going to impact my daughter who is VERY outgoing. If I had to bet I would say we will likely separate within the next two years. We're in our 40s and we have discussed separating several times. It's so hard coming home to a house where your spouse and you don't agree on almost anything. We even disagree on how to raise our daughter! That's the worse part.

I don't know why I'm posting here. Perhaps I need to vent and parts of my life I don't care to vent to my friends. Now, the question is do I join the country club and take my daughter to her classes myself and use the club myself? Is it worth it considering my marriage not work? Do I do it just for my daughter?

[Anonymous]

So what I'm hearing is you're going to divorce your wife because she doesn't want to socialize at a country club?

[Anonymous]

Are you a troll?

You sound shallow. Maybe your wife finds you shallow. Some of my husband's friends would say I'm antisocial. Really I just dislike them and would prefer to spend time with others.

Your wife has to be interested in something besides shopping. What were you both into before marriage and kids? There's a lot more going on here then your wife not wanting to socialize. You need to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Could your wife be depressed? Try couples counseling before a divorce (or before joining the country club, for that matter).

[Anonymous]

Your wife sounds depressed, OP. This personality, from your description, is not who she was before having a child.

I have to say that I have seen this frequently in marriages where the wife stays at home - the stay at home wife is NOT the person that the husband fell in love with.

I would suggest couples therapy for both of you and nudge her to see someone on her own, too. You probably should see someone alone, too.

[Anonymous]

You sound very judgmental about how your wife spends her time. Unless her being an introvert has a negative impact on you, it seems you shouldn't complain. She doesn't want to hang out at the country club, that seems reasonable. Is she prohibiting you from going? Does she demand that you stay home every night because that is what she wants? You don't mention anything about lack of companionship. I could see being upset if you were lonely and really wanted her to join you at a bunch of events. In which case you can compromise - she goes to an outing or two with you a month. Otherwise, you chat up people at the club while she reads her magazine and keeps an eye on your daughter at tennis lessons.

[Anonymous]

She's depressed. She needs more out of life than what she's getting.

[Anonymous]

I understand what you mean. For a long time I was the wife who really hated social interactions and felt that one of the best benefits of adulthood is that I no longer had to pretend to care.

What turned things around for me was my daughter being born. She was like me in a lot of ways and I didn’t want to her to have as difficult a childhood as I did. This motivated me to make friends in the neighborhood and start building a community for her. I ended up benefiting greatly as well. Turns out there are lots of resources for on the spectrum kids now that didn’t exist when I was a kid.

I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to share because only now do I understand how hard this was on my husband. (I also don’t think you’ll get through to her by talking.)

[Anonymous]

Dies she have social anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Get thee to a marriage therapist yesterday. Do not throw divorce around so lightly - it will change who your daughter is as a person and you will see much less of her.

[Anonymous]

Why does she have to be more social? Join a country club and take your daughter for tennis.

[Anonymous]

Everything you are posting is about you and what you want. What about what she wants. Stop threatening divorce and either divorce her or find a way to make the marriage better. If she likes shopping, go shopping with her. What activities does she want your child in - she is probably the one to drive her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything you are posting is about you and what you want. What about what she wants. Stop threatening divorce and either divorce her or find a way to make the marriage better. If she likes shopping, go shopping with her. What activities does she want your child in - she is probably the one to drive her.

She is different according to OP - she has changed. That is a red flag. And it is very hard to go shopping with someone in the iphone/internet.

[Anonymous]

She's an introvert and perhaps gets highly anxious around crowds - and maybe she's not explaining this to you because she hasn't figured it out yet.

It took me until my mid-30s to accept that I had an anxiety disorder around social situations. My family has taboos about discussing health and especially mental health. We're all supposed to be fine all the time.

So let's say you don't believe in marriage through thick and thin, but just as a convenience. Do you realize your spouse will get joint custody and your daughter will likely be WAY MORE affected because she will be starved from social contact when she's at her mother's house and there's not one thing you'll be able to do about it? Whereas if you keep living together, YOU can be the proactive parent, and organize your daughter's social life.

What I mean to say is - do your job, Dad. Why should it be the mother's job? Your wife is gracious enough to not fight your country club suggestion even thought it's the last thing she wants to do, so go for it. Socialize for your daughter's sake. Sign her up for tennis lessons and all the rest of it. You'll be doing the same job if you separate or divorce anyway, and your wife won't be around to watch her when you drink at the bar with your buddies or go do a round of golf.

[Anonymous]

As an introvert, it would be best if you left her alone and stopped trying to force interactions. If you don't like her shopping, tell her that honestly. Maybe she should quit that activity - it's not a fulfilling one by any measure. But don't demand she replace that activity with socializing at a fucking lame-o country club just b/c you like it. How about an instrument or some other self-expression that doesn't involve people. Or maybe back to work?

My mom was an introvert, and I'm the only introvert of her 3 kids. My sisters have never complained. The mother's introversion isn't going to hurt the kid. You're the one with the issue there.

And just so you will possibly respect me, I'm a WOH mom and I make HIGH 3-figure salary (probably more than you!), so F#* your judgment of introverts.