Trying to prevent having an affair with my co-worker

[Anonymous]

You should show your OP to your husband and children and then get kicked to the curb.

[Anonymous]

WTH does it even mean that your marriage is pure? You aren't leaf tea.

[Anonymous]

Listen to your heart.

[Anonymous]

Haha! Saggy balls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You knew you had to get away from this guy, and get another job if necessary, oh probably 17 months ago, but you didn't do it because you enjoyed all the attention and validation. That is shameful enough. But if you haven't crossed the line yet, it is not too late to do this (i.e., get another job away from him).



That's terrible advice, if she otherwise enjoys her job, you can't just pick up at 40+ easily and start over. Just stay away from this guy. Be professional and courteous, but that's it. Focus on your work and be an adult.

That's terrible advice. If she were able to be professional and courteous and stay away from this guy and focus on her work, she would have done that already. Instead she's been obsessing about him for 18 months AND she has been talking to him about having an affair. If she remains in his presence every day, the obsession will continue and it will definitely transition into physicality if it hasn't already. She needs to get another job. Or she can blow up her marriage and get both of them fired, whatever.

So in addition to being a big baby about her crush on this guy, you also think she should blow up her career? I think she should pull it together and grow up.

It's going to blow up her career to have an affair with her boss. Boss-subordinate affairs rarely end well, professionally, for subordinate women. She can avoid that professional pain, as well as all the personal pain of blowing up her family, by getting a new job.

Job changes happen all the time. Getting a new job isn't going to blow up her career. More likely to be a spur to new growth because she will channel all the energy now being spent on obsessing about her boss into her actual day job.

[Anonymous]

It's going to blow up her career to have an affair with her boss. Boss-subordinate affairs rarely end well, professionally, for subordinate women. She can avoid that professional pain, as well as all the personal pain of blowing up her family, by getting a new job.

Job changes happen all the time. Getting a new job isn't going to blow up her career. More likely to be a spur to new growth because she will channel all the energy now being spent on obsessing about her boss into her actual day job.

To be fair, maybe the soundness of this advice depends on what OP does. I'm, 45 and I've been at the same boutique law firm for 10 years. I can't just leave easily and walk into a new job that would put me at the same level, making the same amount of money. I would have to buckle down, focus on work, and get over the situation, because my career is very important to me (as is my family).

[Anonymous]

OP here. I expected and invited the criticism. I needed the wake up call. For some people, monogamy is easy. For other people (like me), it can be a real struggle at times. It certainly doesn't mean that monogamy is not worth it. I worked hard to build my family and want to keep it intact, even though it's so hard sometimes and I want an escape. Thank you all for the responses, as I think they will keep me on the straight and narrow track. All feelings and fantasies aside, I think the end game is just not to get physical with him. My husband would understand feelings for someone else, but not crossing the line into a physical reality.

[Anonymous]

Imagine, in great detail, the following.

The pain on your husband's face and what he will say when he finds out. How you will cover the guilt in the meantime. How you will feel when he is oblivious but you are not and how you will give it away.

How, in detail, you are going to explain to your children that you and daddy are living in separate houses and they will go back and forth. How they will not understand and be angry, and blame you, or him, or both.

How you will be alone on easter or whatever when its his holiday .

How you will feel when everyone in your office finds you you're sleeping with the boss. HOw no one will take you seriously, how the woman always gets blamed, how every promotion will seem tainted, how people will hate you.

How it will feel when your nice, boring husband gets serious about another woman.

How it will feel to be a 40 something divorcee on the dating market.

selling your house, assets, etc and starting over.

[Anonymous]

Immediate PP here. I'm not trying to be a judgmental bitch. I have had those passing flirtations with a coworker, and then I sat down and thought about the real life consequences on everyone.

[Anonymous]

Also, stop the inappropriate conversations with this guy! Imagine how you'd feel if your husband was doing what you're doing with a woman 20 years younger.... Do you really love your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I expected and invited the criticism. I needed the wake up call. For some people, monogamy is easy. For other people (like me), it can be a real struggle at times. It certainly doesn't mean that monogamy is not worth it. I worked hard to build my family and want to keep it intact, even though it's so hard sometimes and I want an escape. Thank you all for the responses, as I think they will keep me on the straight and narrow track. All feelings and fantasies aside, I think the end game is just not to get physical with him. My husband would understand feelings for someone else, but not crossing the line into a physical reality.

Actually, no. And especially if you tell him you've been obsessed with this guy for 18 months, and actively talked about getting physical.

My wife has obsessed over another man for over a year. Far as I know it hasn't gotten physical. I would have divorced her already, if not for the kids, for withdrawing her energy and attention from our relationship. Divorce is likely to happen anyway, because she is unwilling to put aside her obsession.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine, in great detail, the following.

The pain on your husband's face and what he will say when he finds out. How you will cover the guilt in the meantime. How you will feel when he is oblivious but you are not and how you will give it away.

How, in detail, you are going to explain to your children that you and daddy are living in separate houses and they will go back and forth. How they will not understand and be angry, and blame you, or him, or both.

How you will be alone on easter or whatever when its his holiday .

How you will feel when everyone in your office finds you you're sleeping with the boss. HOw no one will take you seriously, how the woman always gets blamed, how every promotion will seem tainted, how people will hate you.

How it will feel when your nice, boring husband gets serious about another woman.

How it will feel to be a 40 something divorcee on the dating market.

selling your house, assets, etc and starting over.

PP whose wife is obsessing. I think she knows all this, but doesn't care. Because she is wallowing in her fog of feelings.

[Anonymous]

Who fantasizes about 60+ year old men?

[Anonymous]

Time to get the resume together

[Anonymous]

Here's what's going to happen if you hook up with him:

You will lose your job and your family and your self-respect, and he will stay with his wife and nothing will change in his life and he will ignore you. Maybe he will take out a restraining order.