DW bad temper - don't know what to do

[Anonymous]

I think it is important to say the ages of the children. You say a toddler and then say she nurses the young one? If it is two under two, it is very stressful to literally have two babies, have not slept through the night for years, hormones still out of whack, long commute, working and taking care of home. Does not excuse her behavior but it is understandable that she is stress. Sit down with her and ask how you both can relieve her stress. I am not pro counselor, sorry

[Anonymous]

If your wife open to medication? If she is and she acknowledges the rage episodes are getting worse, a quick trip to her primary care doctor and a script for prozac could change everything.

Sure it's a bit of a quick fix but that is why some large % of Americans are on some form of A/D.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here. Alcohol is not involved, and I would be really surprised if drugs were involved. As I said, she has always been prone to irritability and a bad temper. It reared its head less often before 2 kids, and even less often before 1 kid. But it was there. It is true that breaking things is new. i just think that the stresses of balancing career and family have made her irritable most of the time. She has a long commute (90 minutes each way.) I do most of the shopping, cooking, laundry, and daily tidying up after everyone. Cleaning people come for the big stuff. Our younger one is going through a stage of being very clingy with her and wanting to nurse a lot. I fear that our different approaches to life--her being easily frustrated and me being even-tempered--is going to be very hard to manage, even if she manages to curb the outbursts. It really comes to the surface with kids.

So she spends three hours a day commuting? That is really rough. I did that for a while, but I was single. It was exhausting, and I only had me to worry about, not a family. Is there any opportunity to change that? It sounds untenable.

[Anonymous]

Also her commute sounds HORRIBLE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is important to say the ages of the children. You say a toddler and then say she nurses the young one? If it is two under two, it is very stressful to literally have two babies, have not slept through the night for years, hormones still out of whack, long commute, working and taking care of home. Does not excuse her behavior but it is understandable that she is stress. Sit down with her and ask how you both can relieve her stress. I am not pro counselor, sorry

That is exactly what you are doing. OP has posted twice that her behavior was also like this pre-kids. Her behavior is abusive. Period.

[Anonymous]

This is very likely chemical / hormonal and situational. She should if at all possible take a leave of absence to see a psychiatrist & get some rest. If she refuses to seek help,
I would slowly escalate consequences. You need your own therapist to guide you through this. None of you should have to live this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she is stressed and potentially depressed.

Does she work? Is something going on at her job with too much pressure? If she doesn't work is she frustrated about that? Being fully responsible for other people all the time is very exhausting.

I wasn't going to say it, but was surprised when others mentioned it, but my first thought was Adderall. Makes people super irritable and impatient.

It sounds kind of like you want her to be laid-back about things that you have no idea how much goes into it. You were late picking up things for Valentine's Day, that's nice. Maybe in her mind she assumed you were getting home at the usual time and the kids dinner, bath/bedtime, changing load of laundry, timed cookies in the oven for the kids to bring to bake sale, were all based around that. No it's easier to chill and relax instead of worrying about those things, but someone's gotta do it. Toddlers making a mess all over themselves and constantly cleaning it up 20 times a day is frustrating.

OP, you sound like a great dad and husband but also that you pride yourself on being the easy going one while she is the type A one. Even when we were all young, labels such as that really stick and cause pain. Perhaps as you said, your personalities do not mesh well but the pp above has touched on something important. Someone has to keep the trains running on time, especially with a household with young children and two working parents. It is a much tougher roll to be the one who feels they must be the schedule-follower while the other parent gets to be the easy-going one. Not saying that your wife's behavior is at all okay but you need to realize the dynamics that have formed in your family/marriage. You yourself have said that she says you do not listen to her. Are you really hearing what she is saying? It sounds like she is crying out for help and not the do-the-laundry kind.

[Anonymous]

She needs help--and I would ask her to get screened for anxiety and depression along with a physical to make sure nothing else is wrong. You said this is "worse since you had kids," which means there could be various issues behind it.

Is she prone to getting hangry? Does she take care of herself? I have to watch that too--hanger makes everything worse.

How old is your youngest? If she's still less than a year post partum, this could very well be PPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here. Alcohol is not involved, and I would be really surprised if drugs were involved. As I said, she has always been prone to irritability and a bad temper. It reared its head less often before 2 kids, and even less often before 1 kid. But it was there. It is true that breaking things is new. i just think that the stresses of balancing career and family have made her irritable most of the time. She has a long commute (90 minutes each way.) I do most of the shopping, cooking, laundry, and daily tidying up after everyone. Cleaning people come for the big stuff. Our younger one is going through a stage of being very clingy with her and wanting to nurse a lot. I fear that our different approaches to life--her being easily frustrated and me being even-tempered--is going to be very hard to manage, even if she manages to curb the outbursts. It really comes to the surface with kids.

She needs to see a doctor for post partum issues.

+1

How much sleep is she getting? How much sleep has she been getting over the last couple years? Interrupted sleep can really break a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:op here. Alcohol is not involved, and I would be really surprised if drugs were involved. As I said, she has always been prone to irritability and a bad temper. It reared its head less often before 2 kids, and even less often before 1 kid. But it was there. It is true that breaking things is new. i just think that the stresses of balancing career and family have made her irritable most of the time. She has a long commute (90 minutes each way.) I do most of the shopping, cooking, laundry, and daily tidying up after everyone. Cleaning people come for the big stuff. Our younger one is going through a stage of being very clingy with her and wanting to nurse a lot. I fear that our different approaches to life--her being easily frustrated and me being even-tempered--is going to be very hard to manage, even if she manages to curb the outbursts. It really comes to the surface with kids.

So she spends three hours a day commuting? That is really rough. I did that for a while, but I was single. It was exhausting, and I only had me to worry about, not a family. Is there any opportunity to change that? It sounds untenable.

I extreme commuted when my kid was a toddler and I was such a miserable person to be around. I wish my partner had done some intervention to force me to take care of myself (like I got a plane with pneumonia because "I didn't have time" to go to the doctor) and reminded me that no job is worth being that miserable and that terrible to be around-in retrospect, we would have been okay financially if I had quit, but I was so stressed that I had complete tunnel vision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she is stressed and potentially depressed.

Does she work? Is something going on at her job with too much pressure? If she doesn't work is she frustrated about that? Being fully responsible for other people all the time is very exhausting.

I wasn't going to say it, but was surprised when others mentioned it, but my first thought was Adderall. Makes people super irritable and impatient.

It sounds kind of like you want her to be laid-back about things that you have no idea how much goes into it. You were late picking up things for Valentine's Day, that's nice. Maybe in her mind she assumed you were getting home at the usual time and the kids dinner, bath/bedtime, changing load of laundry, timed cookies in the oven for the kids to bring to bake sale, were all based around that. No it's easier to chill and relax instead of worrying about those things, but someone's gotta do it. Toddlers making a mess all over themselves and constantly cleaning it up 20 times a day is frustrating.

OP, you sound like a great dad and husband but also that you pride yourself on being the easy going one while she is the type A one. Even when we were all young, labels such as that really stick and cause pain. Perhaps as you said, your personalities do not mesh well but the pp above has touched on something important. Someone has to keep the trains running on time, especially with a household with young children and two working parents. It is a much tougher roll to be the one who feels they must be the schedule-follower while the other parent gets to be the easy-going one. Not saying that your wife's behavior is at all okay but you need to realize the dynamics that have formed in your family/marriage. You yourself have said that she says you do not listen to her. Are you really hearing what she is saying? It sounds like she is crying out for help and not the do-the-laundry kind.

I still can't get over the hypocrisy. NO ONE would be making ANY type of excuse if this were a DW complaining about a DH.

The DH says he does most of the household work. He is obviously also dropping off and picking up kids from daycare, getting them ready in the morning, etc. He does most of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. If this were a DW complaining about her DH, everyone would be saying that if he doesn't like how the laundry is done, then stop doing it, and make him do it. If he doesn't like the cooking, stop cooking and make him find his own food, etc. If he is stressed with long work hours, it doesn't matter, he still needs to be part of the family and part of the household, and still help out around the house... NO ONE would be saying that she needs to see what she can do to help him be less stressed... This is insane!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would sit her down when you are both calm-preferably get a sitter and go out and talk. Tell her this is really serious. She's not acting like the person you married, and you are worried about her anger for her, for you, and for the kids. Insist that in the next two weeks she sees her primary care doctor and an individual therapist, and tell her you will schedule an appointment for a couples therapist. If she's willing to acknowledge that there is a problem, I suspect the solutions will come from her working on herself (working with a therapist on emotional regulation and maybe starting medication), and the two of you finding ways to reduce the overall work and stress in her life. It doesn't sound like reducing her work hours would necessarily help or be good for the kids, but could you work fewer hours, could you get more paid support for household tasks or childcare?

OP, I'm a DW with a bad temper. I've never smashed or broken anything, but I have done my share of stomping, screaming into pillows, punching inanimate objects, etc. I can relate to the anecdote you shared about roughly wiping the child's face due to frustration with a mess. I've done that. Kids definitely made it worse, especially when my older daughter was 3 and a real challenge. She very obviously gets aspects of her personality, including a temper, from me. It's not good. My DH never intervened as the PP suggested above, but I would have been receptive and appreciative, so I suggest you try it. I started working on myself and developing strategies to manage when I realized (1) that I was effectively teaching my daughter to have a bad temper like I did, and I did not want to do that to her (in addition to the obvious problems with a bad temper, it actually FEELS horrible physically, I get very upset and agitated and want to tear my hair out); and (2) I could see the long view that it would affect my relationship with my kids and it was NOT the kind of mom I wanted to be. Perhaps you could try making those points to her. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Let's break this down

When I got home I was greeted with "you're late, I'm hungry, and the kids are going to go to bed too late."
- Meh, that's normal frustration.

At every dinner, DW gets frustrated with our toddler for making a mess. Usually this is not throwing food but just messy eating but it shouldn't matter. It starts with "you're getting food all over your clothes" or "you're getting food all over the floor" and escalates to wiping DC in what I think is an agitated way. Eventually DC becomes upsets and starts to cry.
- Yeah, kind of veering into "being a jerk", the sort of thing where if it happens All. The. Time. it can be talked about, but maybe the kid *is* messy.

Tonight DW was especially upset and used the F word.
- OK, now we're getting into bad territory here.

Every morning, I eat breakfast with the kids after DW leaves for work. Sometimes DC makes a mess. I just accept that toddlers make a mess and clean it up. Sometimes DC helps me clean up. Everyone leaves breakfast happy.
- Sounds like you're doing your share around the house.

While I cleaned up dinner and packed lunches DW put the kids to bed. Afterwards, she started complaining about not being able to find a shirt and about how I never put things away in the right place when I do laundry, that she told me a thousand times where her things go, that I never listen to her, etc., etc., etc.
- Garden-variety complaining again. Yeah, it can be annoying to be on the receiving end but it is within the range of normal.

For once I decided to speak up and said in the gentlest voice that I thought she needed to be more patient and she went into rage. She threw a phone on the floor and smashed it to pieces with her feet and broke a mirror. She said the kids and I ruined her life.
- Yeah, now we're in unacceptable territory. A guy doing this, everyone on here would be telling you to run like the wind. If she vents constantly she has to be willing to accept your venting.

When she calmed down she acted like nothing had happened and said she was just stressed with work lately.
- Excuse making and minimizing, common abuser tactics.

I feel like I don't know this person anymore. I'm worried about how this is affecting the kids. What should I do? Go to counseling?
- Talk to a lawyer.
- If she is steadily getting worse, then it's not entirely out of the realm of possible that she will call and accuse YOU of doing stuff, or (more likely) try and escalate things and goad YOU into doing stuff. So I'd even consider recording stuff, if her tantrums are 5-10 minute deals you can catch the majority of them.
- Find a DV hotline that takes abused men seriously as opposed to "haha, you need to keep the little woman in line" or the posters here who are
- If she refuses ANY counseling then that is a strike against her. If she is amenable to counseling that doesn't boil down to her hoping the counselor will tell you "you bad boy you" then that is good. Likewise, there may be some tweaks you can make/proper ways to react when she is being self-destructive.
- Figure out -- and this is a decision only YOU can make -- whether the kids are safer where you're around 100% of the time (but so is she) or if the kids are safe with her 50% of the time. That is a major factor why abuses spouses don't "just leave" because they know full damn well that getting primary custody (ESPECIALLY as a man) is pretty damn hard.

I mean, it sort of makes sense if someone's in the "is always grumpy"/"don't interrupt him while the game is on"/"will break a plate every few weeks"/"has hit you every few months" levels as opposed to the "I will show up at your work, pour gasoline on you, and strike a match" level.

And yes -- the most dangerous time is immediately after you have left. You've wounded the abuser's ego and so whoever had given this ego wound MUST PAY.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but the other side of this is that the porr DH thought that coming home late with a stuff to make dinner (not was actual ready to eat meal) was a "gift" after this still nursing DW - home with 2 young children while DH out shopping after her full work day with a THREE HOUR commute. This sounds more like you are clueless and disengaged and are contributing to the stress in the house. If my spouse had this kind of workday - Valentine's Day would have been a weekend kind of celebration. Yes - she was off the wall but day to day - are you two looking at your life choices?? I wonder if your 'laid back' attitude is more a no confrontation/no engagement/obliviousness. If you two have made the decision that you are the primary parent - you both are parents but you actually do have a responsibility to set priorities that protect your kids - and adding stress (like a late dinner on a weeknight) made it seems without consulting each other (did she know where you were??) Yep - this is probably a total double standard and I's be pissed at DH if situation turned around but I have seen too many relationships where the laid-back no stress husband was actually just a passive placeholder adult and not really stepping up to full responsibility and DW pushed to limits

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's acceptable to smash a phone in anger, break a mirror and then act like everything is okay. OP, you need to make it clear to your wife that this behavior has an impact on you and that this is a very serious issue that needs to be dealt with if you are to stay together. Treat it as the crisis it is, not just another day in the life.

She seems to think she can just have a toddler tantrum and s**t on everybody, then blame it on work and shrug it off. And I think passivity is no longer working for you, OP - it just perpetuates the cycle.

You need to make it clear to your DW that you are at a crisis point and that you won't be tolerating her outbursts.