Reply to DW bad temper - don't know what to do

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[quote=Anonymous]Let's break this down

When I got home I was greeted with "you're late, I'm hungry, and the kids are going to go to bed too late." 
- Meh, that's normal frustration.

At every dinner, DW gets frustrated with our toddler for making a mess. Usually this is not throwing food but just messy eating but it shouldn't matter. It starts with "you're getting food all over your clothes" or "you're getting food all over the floor" and escalates to wiping DC in what I think is an agitated way. Eventually DC becomes upsets and starts to cry. 
- Yeah, kind of veering into "being a jerk",  the sort of thing where if it happens All. The. Time. it can be talked about, but maybe the kid *is* messy.

Tonight DW was especially upset and used the F word. 
- OK, now we're getting into bad territory here.

Every morning, I eat breakfast with the kids after DW leaves for work. Sometimes DC makes a mess. I just accept that toddlers make a mess and clean it up. Sometimes DC helps me clean up. Everyone leaves breakfast happy. 
- Sounds like you're doing your share around the house.

While I cleaned up dinner and packed lunches DW put the kids to bed. Afterwards, she started complaining about not being able to find a shirt and about how I never put things away in the right place when I do laundry, that she told me a thousand times where her things go, that I never listen to her, etc., etc., etc. 
- Garden-variety complaining again. Yeah, it can be annoying to be on the receiving end but it is within the range of normal.

For once I decided to speak up and said in the gentlest voice that I thought she needed to be more patient and she went into rage. She threw a phone on the floor and smashed it to pieces with her feet and broke a mirror. She said the kids and I ruined her life. 
- Yeah, now we're in unacceptable territory. A guy doing this, everyone on here would be telling you to run like the wind. If she vents constantly she has to be willing to accept your venting.

When she calmed down she acted like nothing had happened and said she was just stressed with work lately. 
- Excuse making and minimizing, common abuser tactics.

I feel like I don't know this person anymore. I'm worried about how this is affecting the kids. What should I do? Go to counseling? 
- Talk to a lawyer. 
- If she is steadily getting worse, then it's not entirely out of the realm of possible that she will call and accuse YOU of doing stuff, or (more likely) try and escalate things and goad YOU into doing stuff. So I'd even consider recording stuff, if her tantrums are 5-10 minute deals you can catch the majority of them. 
- Find a DV hotline that takes abused men seriously as opposed to "haha, you need to keep the little woman in line" or the posters here who are 
- If she refuses ANY counseling then that is a strike against her. If she is amenable to counseling that doesn't boil down to her hoping the counselor will tell you "you bad boy you" then that is good. Likewise, there may be some tweaks you can make/proper ways to react when she is being self-destructive. 
- Figure out -- and this is a decision only YOU can make -- whether the kids are safer where you're around 100% of the time (but so is she) or if the kids are safe with her 50% of the time. That is a major factor why abuses spouses don't "just leave" because they know full damn well that getting primary custody (ESPECIALLY as a man) is pretty damn hard.

I mean, it sort of makes sense if someone's in the "is always grumpy"/"don't interrupt him while the game is on"/"will break a plate every few weeks"/"has hit you every few months" levels as opposed to the "I will show up at your work, pour gasoline on you, and strike a match" level.

And yes -- the most dangerous time is immediately after you have left. You've wounded the abuser's ego and so whoever had given this ego wound MUST PAY. [/quote]

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