DW bad temper - don't know what to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she is stressed and potentially depressed.

Does she work? Is something going on at her job with too much pressure? If she doesn't work is she frustrated about that? Being fully responsible for other people all the time is very exhausting.

I wasn't going to say it, but was surprised when others mentioned it, but my first thought was Adderall. Makes people super irritable and impatient.

It sounds kind of like you want her to be laid-back about things that you have no idea how much goes into it. You were late picking up things for Valentine's Day, that's nice. Maybe in her mind she assumed you were getting home at the usual time and the kids dinner, bath/bedtime, changing load of laundry, timed cookies in the oven for the kids to bring to bake sale, were all based around that. No it's easier to chill and relax instead of worrying about those things, but someone's gotta do it. Toddlers making a mess all over themselves and constantly cleaning it up 20 times a day is frustrating.

OP, you sound like a great dad and husband but also that you pride yourself on being the easy going one while she is the type A one. Even when we were all young, labels such as that really stick and cause pain. Perhaps as you said, your personalities do not mesh well but the pp above has touched on something important. Someone has to keep the trains running on time, especially with a household with young children and two working parents. It is a much tougher roll to be the one who feels they must be the schedule-follower while the other parent gets to be the easy-going one. Not saying that your wife's behavior is at all okay but you need to realize the dynamics that have formed in your family/marriage. You yourself have said that she says you do not listen to her. Are you really hearing what she is saying? It sounds like she is crying out for help and not the do-the-laundry kind.

I still can't get over the hypocrisy. NO ONE would be making ANY type of excuse if this were a DW complaining about a DH.

The DH says he does most of the household work. He is obviously also dropping off and picking up kids from daycare, getting them ready in the morning, etc. He does most of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. If this were a DW complaining about her DH, everyone would be saying that if he doesn't like how the laundry is done, then stop doing it, and make him do it. If he doesn't like the cooking, stop cooking and make him find his own food, etc. If he is stressed with long work hours, it doesn't matter, he still needs to be part of the family and part of the household, and still help out around the house... NO ONE would be saying that she needs to see what she can do to help him be less stressed... This is insane!

Well when a man posts and tells us he birthed two kids within the past few years, works full time, commutes three hours a day, pumps at work, breastfeeds at home, and hasn't slept through the night for years due to young kids-then we'll see, maybe you are right.

You are disgusting to sweepingly ignore the abusive behavior by this woman. Disgusting. And you're clearly refusing to ignore that she was bad tempered before having kids. What a horrible person you are.

+1. Lots of posters on this thread are apparently perfectly fine with domestic violence as long as it's perpetrated by women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also her commute sounds HORRIBLE.

Agree!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, as one of the few posters here not willing to support domestic violence simply because it's targeting a man and his children instead of a woman and her children, I'm sorry you're going through this and repeat my and others' advice to seek counseling and legal protection. This is abuse.

I'd also encourage you to find a forum where abuse isn't supported when it comes from the gender that drives ad traffic to the site. This is a sad example of how this site is ultimately most concerned with money, and not with creating a safe environment for people to seek support. The equivalent thread by a woman would not have had the majority of posters accusing her of bringing on her abuse (how disgusting!) and moderators ignoring the thread while counting ad dollars. However, it's clear that abuse isn't abuse on DCUM if it comes from a Mom, and that kind of money-driven short-sightedness will eventually drive this site into the ground.

[Anonymous]

OP, get out now. When this eventually devolves into the inevitable physical abuse that this behavior all points to, you will be the one taken to jail. In the eyes of the police and courts, women are pretty much incapable of DV. Set up video security cameras to document everything. Your woman is unhinged and no amount of long commutes, PPD, sleep deprivation or whatever other ridiculous reason the ladies of DCUM can come up with can excuse this.

It's scary that so many women have brainwashed themselves into actually believing that they get to do or say whatever they want to, and its always the man's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:op here. Alcohol is not involved, and I would be really surprised if drugs were involved. As I said, she has always been prone to irritability and a bad temper. It reared its head less often before 2 kids, and even less often before 1 kid. But it was there. It is true that breaking things is new. i just think that the stresses of balancing career and family have made her irritable most of the time. She has a long commute (90 minutes each way.) I do most of the shopping, cooking, laundry, and daily tidying up after everyone. Cleaning people come for the big stuff. Our younger one is going through a stage of being very clingy with her and wanting to nurse a lot. I fear that our different approaches to life--her being easily frustrated and me being even-tempered--is going to be very hard to manage, even if she manages to curb the outbursts. It really comes to the surface with kids.

Maybe she's angry at herself for not marrying an alpha.

[Anonymous]

You must feel as if you walk on eggshells daily.
So sorry you + your child are in this situation OP.

Your wife is clearly suffering from depression considering all of her angry reactions.

For the sake of your family, she needs to seek professional help stat for her issue.

I would issue her an ultimatum.
Seek help to control her anger (therapy, medication & anger management) or you will leave the marriage.

Unless of course you think you can live this way for the rest of your life and that exposing your child to this "fly off the handle" mentality will not affect her emotionally in the long run.

I think you know what the right thing to do here is.

Best of luck to you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she is stressed and potentially depressed.

Does she work? Is something going on at her job with too much pressure? If she doesn't work is she frustrated about that? Being fully responsible for other people all the time is very exhausting.

I wasn't going to say it, but was surprised when others mentioned it, but my first thought was Adderall. Makes people super irritable and impatient.

It sounds kind of like you want her to be laid-back about things that you have no idea how much goes into it. You were late picking up things for Valentine's Day, that's nice. Maybe in her mind she assumed you were getting home at the usual time and the kids dinner, bath/bedtime, changing load of laundry, timed cookies in the oven for the kids to bring to bake sale, were all based around that. No it's easier to chill and relax instead of worrying about those things, but someone's gotta do it. Toddlers making a mess all over themselves and constantly cleaning it up 20 times a day is frustrating.

OP, you sound like a great dad and husband but also that you pride yourself on being the easy going one while she is the type A one. Even when we were all young, labels such as that really stick and cause pain. Perhaps as you said, your personalities do not mesh well but the pp above has touched on something important. Someone has to keep the trains running on time, especially with a household with young children and two working parents. It is a much tougher roll to be the one who feels they must be the schedule-follower while the other parent gets to be the easy-going one. Not saying that your wife's behavior is at all okay but you need to realize the dynamics that have formed in your family/marriage. You yourself have said that she says you do not listen to her. Are you really hearing what she is saying? It sounds like she is crying out for help and not the do-the-laundry kind.

I still can't get over the hypocrisy. NO ONE would be making ANY type of excuse if this were a DW complaining about a DH.

The DH says he does most of the household work. He is obviously also dropping off and picking up kids from daycare, getting them ready in the morning, etc. He does most of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. If this were a DW complaining about her DH, everyone would be saying that if he doesn't like how the laundry is done, then stop doing it, and make him do it. If he doesn't like the cooking, stop cooking and make him find his own food, etc. If he is stressed with long work hours, it doesn't matter, he still needs to be part of the family and part of the household, and still help out around the house... NO ONE would be saying that she needs to see what she can do to help him be less stressed... This is insane!

Well when a man posts and tells us he birthed two kids within the past few years, works full time, commutes three hours a day, pumps at work, breastfeeds at home, and hasn't slept through the night for years due to young kids-then we'll see, maybe you are right.

MORE EXCUSES. There is NO excuse for breaking things, throwing things, being abusive.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are reading this, you need help and you both need to get this out in the open. Your wife needs help. You need help. If she refuses or claims you are being dramatic, then you need to get help independently on how to manage this situation, which will inevitably end with a divorce if she doesn't step up and get help and make some serious changes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I CANNOT BELIEVE THE HYPOCRISY ON DCUM. Stress? Caffeine? ADHD meds? If this was a DW complaining about a DH you all would be squawking about emotional abuse and divorce. Unbelievable.

+1

+2

OP, you need to document everything and secretly meet with a divorce lawyer to work out an exit strategy. Your kids deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Divorce the f***ing bitch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Honey,

It’s me. I just want to clarify a couple things. You say that you’re the exact opposite of me – very laid back and patient, even-keeled. What you forget to mention is that you are so laid back, you let things slide that need to get done and don’t care about (and eventually leave for me to clean up) a lot of things that matter to me.

You mention ALL you do around the house but not that your work schedule (plus commute) is a 1000 times better than mine and therefore we decided that you’re responsible for those things you mention you do. And yet, after telling you a hundred times what needs to get done and how, you still do the BARE minimum and “forget” or don’t bother to figure out how to hang my office clothes so they don’t wrinkle or to get certain foods on the shopping list or even that CLEANING THE KITCHEN DOES NOT JUST MEAN PUTTING DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER but also wiping counters, sweeping floors, etc.

You forgot to mention that when toddler is making a mess and I say “you’re getting food all over the floor” I’m saying it because you let the food stay on the floor for days and don’t sweep it up. You forgot to mention that when I say “you’re getting food on my clothes” it’s because I have to get to work and I could only find one clean shirt and if it gets dirty I’m shit out of luck. And you forgot to mention that when I’m saying all this, you just sit there, ignoring the situation while I’m running around trying to do a 100 things at the same time and act like there’s not a care in the world.

We have a division of labor and you’re not holding up your end of the bargain. You half-ass it and I am losing my temper because I’ve tried telling you, talking to you, showing you and NOTHING WORKS.

You know that if you slack off long enough I’ll just do it. You know what? I’m sick and tired of it and don’t know what else to do but throw my phone at you to get you to step it up.

Oh, and by the way, you aren’t just “telling me in the most gentle way” to have patience. You are full-on ignoring me until I throw the phone and then you tell me to calm down. Be real.

I wonder how many women don't get the pot roast right and their husbands just have no choice but to lose their temper.

[Anonymous]

OP: I feel for you. You have many tough years ahead of you no matter what you do. She sounds just like my ex-wife. You did the right thing to post here and ask for help. I also didn't realize how abnormal my ex's behavior was. I thought her anger was my fault and I tried harder and harder to do more and more around the house and with the kids.

My advice would be Prozac for you. It will allow you to survive in the household for a few years while you get your ducks in a row and more importantly while your kids get older. You will be working your ass off trying to keep her from being angry but the good news is that in a few years when you are separated your life will be so easy and peaceful. All those chores you do are much less work when you are doing them for just yourself and your kids and aren't being rules by a tyrant.

If you are in DC or VA consider recording some of her rants and threats.

Regarding drugs/alcohol, my ex was addicted to Oxy for 10 years and I never knew it. Addiction tends to go along with narcissistic behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, get out now. When this eventually devolves into the inevitable physical abuse that this behavior all points to, you will be the one taken to jail. In the eyes of the police and courts, women are pretty much incapable of DV. Set up video security cameras to document everything. Your woman is unhinged and no amount of long commutes, PPD, sleep deprivation or whatever other ridiculous reason the ladies of DCUM can come up with can excuse this.

It's scary that so many women have brainwashed themselves into actually believing that they get to do or say whatever they want to, and its always the man's fault.

OP, she sounds unhinged. Yes, she clearly has some serious issues going on, but you need to take care of your children and yourself by moving on. This is abusive behavior on her part.

[Anonymous]

I thought alcohol or rx drugs, but it could just be that she's really stressed and doesn't know how to deal with it. Maybe suggest a break from working or go part-time and see how she feels. If you can't do that, hire a housekeeper- even once a week- huge difference! Find out what she's doing that you can hire someone else to do, cook, picking up the kids, cleaning/ laundry, walking the dog-- whatever. Also, the comment about you and the kids ruining her life makes me think she got some resentment and might need a kid free day or maybe just a few hours alone so she can miss you guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She hates you and finds you useless and annoying. She is no longer attracted to you or has respect for you, and it makes her hate her life. Sorry, OP.

This.