Talk me out of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your heart is leading you and not your head. Is this your normal attachment style? Think about changing it to something a bit more based on learning from observing this guy's behavior....slowly.

Good point, how does one do this? Teenagers everywhere want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

I won't argue that affairs are destructive but I think you overestimate how much other people will care. No one will whisper behind your back until the end of time. People are way too focused on their own lives to care about what you did or didn't do. Nothing will follow you like a cloud and your friends won't care. We just aren't that important to anyone else.

Also, if I found out either of my parents cheated, it wouldn't change how I feel about them in the slightest.

Sorry but I find this impossible to believe. And speaking from experience, I can tell you friends will be much less likely to call you to do things with them. They will not look at you the same way and many won't want to associate with you

[Anonymous]

OP - are you sure this is mutual attraction? You say you've fallen for him but do you know whether he has similar feelings? Sounds like nothing inappropriate happened - he didn't make a move or even follow up with some kind of e-mail/text suggesting more.

Or did you leave some details out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your DH. Nothing quite like fanning the flames of desire by keeping a secret. In a long marriage, both of you will have temptations. You should be able to turn to each other to help you through. I had a crush on a new guy I worked with. Not quite the electricity you two had, but a crush none-the-less. I told DH and we joked around about it. Made me feel 1000% better that I wasn't keeping a secret. It also felt nice that our marriage is strong enough that he wasn't worried at all about me cheating.

I'm sorry, but most husbands would not find it a joking manner. We are not wired that way. No guy wants to hear that his wife has a huge crush on some guy.

Better than finding out that his wife decides to hide it and maybe act on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - are you sure this is mutual attraction? You say you've fallen for him but do you know whether he has similar feelings? Sounds like nothing inappropriate happened - he didn't make a move or even follow up with some kind of e-mail/text suggesting more.

Or did you leave some details out?

Well I can tell we both enjoy each other's company and there was some harmless flirting before the dinner from his side. I think the dinner freaked us both out. We exchanged a few texts immediately after the dinner but nothing inappropriate. But you're right in that I have no idea what he's thinking. I just want to think things through so I can preempt anything happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your DH. Nothing quite like fanning the flames of desire by keeping a secret. In a long marriage, both of you will have temptations. You should be able to turn to each other to help you through. I had a crush on a new guy I worked with. Not quite the electricity you two had, but a crush none-the-less. I told DH and we joked around about it. Made me feel 1000% better that I wasn't keeping a secret. It also felt nice that our marriage is strong enough that he wasn't worried at all about me cheating.

I'm sorry, but most husbands would not find it a joking manner. We are not wired that way. No guy wants to hear that his wife has a huge crush on some guy.

Better than finding out that his wife decides to hide it and maybe act on it.

If she acts on it that's a whole different issue. I've been married a long time and have fantasized (no crush) about being with other women but have never acted on it. And I've never told my DW though she has often said "don't you wish you were married to a younger, hotter woman" and I say "sure, but I can't afford it ."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your DH. Nothing quite like fanning the flames of desire by keeping a secret. In a long marriage, both of you will have temptations. You should be able to turn to each other to help you through. I had a crush on a new guy I worked with. Not quite the electricity you two had, but a crush none-the-less. I told DH and we joked around about it. Made me feel 1000% better that I wasn't keeping a secret. It also felt nice that our marriage is strong enough that he wasn't worried at all about me cheating.

I'm sorry, but most husbands would not find it a joking manner. We are not wired that way. No guy wants to hear that his wife has a huge crush on some guy.

Better than finding out that his wife decides to hide it and maybe act on it.

If she acts on it that's a whole different issue. I've been married a long time and have fantasized (no crush) about being with other women but have never acted on it. And I've never told my DW though she has often said "don't you wish you were married to a younger, hotter woman" and I say "sure, but I can't afford it ."

Right, so going through the pain now of admitting a crush (and having his aghast reaction, and a willingness to talk about it and what is going on) is better than keeping it in the dark. It is a crush at this point, nothing more. Maybe some marriage counseling sessions, just to talk about this rationally.

I am the pp who had an affair, and there was a point at which I realized I should tell my DH, but I absolutely decided not to. If I'd told him, I would have been being more open and intimate and vulnerable with him ... and our marriage would have been strengthened for it.

[Anonymous]

That damn ego can make a smart person make some really dumb decisions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your DH. Nothing quite like fanning the flames of desire by keeping a secret. In a long marriage, both of you will have temptations. You should be able to turn to each other to help you through. I had a crush on a new guy I worked with. Not quite the electricity you two had, but a crush none-the-less. I told DH and we joked around about it. Made me feel 1000% better that I wasn't keeping a secret. It also felt nice that our marriage is strong enough that he wasn't worried at all about me cheating.

I'm sorry, but most husbands would not find it a joking manner. We are not wired that way. No guy wants to hear that his wife has a huge crush on some guy.

Better than finding out that his wife decides to hide it and maybe act on it.

If she acts on it that's a whole different issue. I've been married a long time and have fantasized (no crush) about being with other women but have never acted on it. And I've never told my DW though she has often said "don't you wish you were married to a younger, hotter woman" and I say "sure, but I can't afford it ."

Right, so going through the pain now of admitting a crush (and having his aghast reaction, and a willingness to talk about it and what is going on) is better than keeping it in the dark. It is a crush at this point, nothing more. Maybe some marriage counseling sessions, just to talk about this rationally.

I am the pp who had an affair, and there was a point at which I realized I should tell my DH, but I absolutely decided not to. If I'd told him, I would have been being more open and intimate and vulnerable with him ... and our marriage would have been strengthened for it.

All of that is true. So why didn't you tell him? Were you wanting out of your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Even with forgiveness, your marriage will never be the same. The innocence or purity is gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your DH. Nothing quite like fanning the flames of desire by keeping a secret. In a long marriage, both of you will have temptations. You should be able to turn to each other to help you through. I had a crush on a new guy I worked with. Not quite the electricity you two had, but a crush none-the-less. I told DH and we joked around about it. Made me feel 1000% better that I wasn't keeping a secret. It also felt nice that our marriage is strong enough that he wasn't worried at all about me cheating.

I'm sorry, but most husbands would not find it a joking manner. We are not wired that way. No guy wants to hear that his wife has a huge crush on some guy.

Better than finding out that his wife decides to hide it and maybe act on it.

If she acts on it that's a whole different issue. I've been married a long time and have fantasized (no crush) about being with other women but have never acted on it. And I've never told my DW though she has often said "don't you wish you were married to a younger, hotter woman" and I say "sure, but I can't afford it ."

Right, so going through the pain now of admitting a crush (and having his aghast reaction, and a willingness to talk about it and what is going on) is better than keeping it in the dark. It is a crush at this point, nothing more. Maybe some marriage counseling sessions, just to talk about this rationally.

I am the pp who had an affair, and there was a point at which I realized I should tell my DH, but I absolutely decided not to. If I'd told him, I would have been being more open and intimate and vulnerable with him ... and our marriage would have been strengthened for it.

All of that is true. So why didn't you tell him? Were you wanting out of your marriage?

Yes, I think so. We'd been emotionally estranged for some time -- partly my fault, of course -- and it was wearing on me because I didn't know what was wrong (it snuck up on me over a number of years, and I'm not very self-aware, apparently). The connection I had with the other man was powerful, and while I knew all the things I should have done, and the potential consequences of my actions, the threat of the loss of my marriage was little threat at all. I decided I'd rather have an affair than talk to my husband about it.

[Anonymous]

Go for it . . . shows magnificent character traits. You value:

Lying.

Cowardice.

Betrayal.

Raise those kids right!

[Anonymous]

It's an escape fantasy.

Your hormones are fooling you.

If you have kids, do you really want to have to explain to them why you chose the path of selfishness instead of putting them first? Because putting them first is putting your family and marriage ahead of being horny.

[Anonymous]

Spend a lot of timing imagining him picking his nose and eating it.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband. Best married sex.