Reply to Is anyone in a marriage where the DH is the default parent?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op, PPS have some great suggestions.  And while it may be working now, eventually it will grow to be too much for your DH. The resentment will grow and grow until there is no coming back.

You need individual therapy and possibly medication.  You need to commit to doing things for your family.  Baby steps but you need to start making an effort.  And when you get to the point where.you feel like you can handle it, give your husband a few days away. [/quote]
+1
Here is one big thing Op- you don't have to do things just as good as your husband would do them. Don't compare yourself to him that way. If his dinner is more nutritious or well thought out that's okay- don't let that be the reason you don't make dinner two days a week. I know you are afraid of him judging your parenting or just living as not as good as his, but honestly I'm sue he'd just appreciate a partner right now, even if it's an imperfect one!
You need to retrain and reframe some of your thoughts, and find a therapist that can help you do those very tangible things. You really can feel much better and more capable than you do now. I'm rooting for you Op! [/quote]

I'm the default parent and I just keep it moving forward. We have two breakfast options (cheerios or frozen waffles). Dinner is frequently a crapshoot, and vegetables a rarity. Often I will open a can of beans, mix with rando leftovers, add cheese, roll on a tortilla and call it a burrito. Baths are five minute affairs. As long as the hands and face are clean, that's good enough for me. Sometimes there is crying. Sometimes I raise my voice and lose my temper. Sometimes, things are awesome and I know you can get to that point. I agree with the assessment that you remain depressed and have work to do there. I've been there. But as you start to emerge from the fog, be easy on yourself. Pick one thing at a time, and just get it done. Then move to the next. Here's the good advice I got from DCUM years ago: if you're doing it, you're doing it right. Good luck, OP.[/quote]

OP here. Thank you for this. I have spent the past hour crying about what a complete failure I am, but this comment really hit home. As for why I didn't call a sitter, I just sort of lost it when my husband called to say hello and he agreed to come home. While we have a regular sitter, they aren't available right now.

I think for me, even having my husband in the house while I have the kids would make me feel less overwhelmed. He can telecommute at will, so it's not a big deal for him to do this. As for the comments about my depression, obviously, I am trying. I am on medication, in therapy and trying to make different choices. It's all so overwhelming though and while I do not appreciate the judgment, I appreciate the advice and kindness. My therapist doesn't do CBT, so I may make a change there and I am going to try to set back and find something small to take on all by myself.[/quote]

OP Definitely try CBT!!  It is like coaching almost -- a good CBT therapist is exactly what you need to start changing your behavior.

It sounds like maybe some more joint counseling would be good as well.  Your DH sounds like a wonderful guy -- but he's also in some respects enabling you to stay where it's comfortable for you both, instead of removing the training wheels, as it were, and letting you start enter into the family in a different way.  You guys will both have to face the discomfort of change as you start to retake your role in the family.

I wonder especially why your DH has not been more forthright about hiring outside help to take the burden off of both of you?  It sounds like you can afford it.  [/quote]

Op here. We actually have a lot of help. During the first year of my second, I had a full time nanny 40 hours a week and my oldest I full time daycare. When my youngest turned 1, he went to full time daycare with dd. We have a weekly cleaning lady and the nanny still sits for us occasionally. I will look into making an appointment with a cbt therapist in the new year. [/quote]

Can you have the cleaning lady come 2 a week?  [/quote]

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