Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?

[Anonymous]

OP take a look at Hilary Clinton as a good example of why putting it all out there is really just not a good idea if you want to stay together (ALL politics aside, seriously look at how the entire world talks about the sexual exploits of her husband still, 20 years after the fact).

This is just not stuff you want out there. You think you want it out there because you want everyone to treat him like shit for a year or two, but you're not looking down the road. You're not able to see that in five years, if you're together and have moved past it, you will NOT want people knowing about such an intimate and difficult part in your marriage and passing their own judgments.

Your DH is owning it. He isn't denying, he's confessed, and you really shouldn't underestimate how much suffering he's enduring just from being on the receiving end of your pain.

If you were divorcing then sure, he should tell his parents so you don't have to take the blame. But if you're sticking it out, keep it behind closed doors. The problem with shaming in the public eye is that the public eye only gets that snapshot, so they'll never change their opinion.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate all this honesty. It's helpful to hear perspective from those with no dog in the fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all this honesty. It's helpful to hear perspective from those with no dog in the fight.

OP, Cheater here. I owned it to my spouse. Then I shared it with my family. I've shared it with a number of friends. Nobody has stopped being my friend (in fact, I feel closer to some friends now than before) and nobody once has castigated me for cheating. And none of them are cheaters (except one who had an emotional affair).

Even if he tells, don't be surprised if you don't get the reaction from the rest of the world that you are looking for.

[Anonymous]

OP, I empathize. I was very close with my first MIL. She and FIL said I was like another daughter to them...until my ex wanted a divorce. I completely thought they'd tell him to fight for the marriage - after all, I was like a daughter to them! - but they backed him up completely. And they also immediately took to the new woman he introduced to them. It hurts SO MUCH. But the parents will almost always side with their kid.

I'm happily remarried with a young son, and although I hope he never cheats on his future spouse, I'm still going to be on his side of he does. He's my kid. I'll be supporting HIS emotional recovery, not his spouse's.

I understand your feelings. You're hurting and you should own that hurt. But at some point, you'll have to choose to forgive even if he hasn't experienced what you've gone through, or you'll have to split up. A public shaming won't benefit either of you.

Many hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

You are being very short-sighted. If there is a chance that you will stay with him, you don't necessarily want these people to know in the long run, to have in the back of your mind that they are constantly judging your relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're going to wind up divorced from him someday, anyway, so I think it's a waste of your mental energy to spend so much time thinking about this and plotting various scenarios.

Work on forgetting, because it's pretty clear that true forgiving isn't going to happen. And that's OK, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Honestly Op when I saw your thread title I thought you were divorcing and wanted him to tell his parents why. It sounds though like you're less friendly to his mom now and what him to tell her why since you can't do it yourself.

I agree with everyone that her reaction will not be what you want. But what if it was? Let's say she understands your distance and she's mad at him and scolds him. Then what? If she never spoke to him again would that really make you feel better?

I think you should believe him when he says he's hurting. This is not what you want to hear but he lost his AP and he's possibly going to lose his wife. I dknt think he's just calmly going through his day without a care in the world you know? Maybe he's not tearing out his hair but that's not what men do.

[Anonymous]

You don't want them to know.

It is natural instinct to want to understand why, why would their son cheat.

Why leads to blaming. In our society blame for affairs lies with the wife or the mother. (It's wrong but people are ignorant, eventually smart ones.)

So either you are a bad wife or your MIL is a bad mother. This could put her on their defensive and hurt your relationship.

You only want professionals and a few close allies to know about the affair, due to ignorance in our society.

You are not to home, his mom is not to blame.. He is to blame. He needs to figure out how why he cheated. This will take years, there is no fast track... It sucks.

Now you know why people say life/marriage is hard.

[Anonymous]

This was my exact situation a few years ago but I was in your husband's shoes. I cheated and my dh wanted me to tell my family. He felt that it would reconcile their negative feelings towards him over the years and he would get a gold star for staying with me. The reality is that they are my family and would have supported me regardless.
I didn't tell and it was very hard for him. The whole thing was devastating for him and I own that. But - now years later, we are in a much better place and have moved on. I am happy that every family dinner doesn't have me thinking I am being judged or he is being chastised for staying. We, together, made the decision (and hard work) to stay together.
Hugs - I am sorry...there are no easy answers but know that people can commit to staying and working through it if they choose to.

[Anonymous]

I guess we all know why he cheated on you. Your a pain in the ass and you'll never forgive him no matter what he does. Yes he screwed up but you are the bigger problem. Nothing will change until you do.

[Anonymous]

My husband had an affair years ago. For me, one condition of us working things out after I found out and we separated for almost one year was that I was telling his mom. I'm close to her and clearly with the separation she knew something was up. I'm so glad I did - turns out my FIL had an eerily similar affair at the same life stage and it was so damn similar it was scary. They ended up working it out and moving on to a have a happy marriage so that was helpful.

However I never told my parents. Two good friends know and they were really supportive. I agree that you have to be careful about who knows but it is helpful to have some trusted loved ones to talk to.

One last thing: don't be sure he is getting away Scot free in terms of no one knowing. As time passed and the fog lifted, my husband realized that coworkers of his likely did know or suspect. He has changed companies since then but he was embarrassed for years at how careless he was.

Good luck OP. The first two years were the worst. Year 3 is a lot easier and now 6 years later I hardly think about it. We were in counseling for two years which helped. As awful it was my husband grew up a lot and we are both much better equipped to handle the ups and downs of marriage and parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess we all know why he cheated on you. Your a pain in the ass and you'll never forgive him no matter what he does. Yes he screwed up but you are the bigger problem. Nothing will change until you do.

Now you see what ignorance will come your way if you let people know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will never be satisfied. If you force him to tell his family you will find something in how he tells them that you are dissatisfied with. You will not feel like their response is correct. You want your pound of flesh. You will never get what you are looking for. The only option is to forgive and move on. Otherwise it will consume a good portion of your life.

+1

This poster is right. He will never hurt enough for you to feel like his pain matches yours. If you want your marriage to survive and eventually thrive, you need to accept that.

I've been in your shoes and when I realized that (by screaming it at him during a tense conversation) it felt like a weight was lifted. He will never hurt enough for me to believe that he has come close to feeling the pain he caused me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair. I found out several months ago and we are working on it, both in counseling, etc. I have told some friends and found support through that. DH has told no one other than his therapist and our marriage counselor. he is ashamed and very remorseful, but we still have a ways to go to climb back from this.

One of the things I am struggling with is looking for some sense of ownership and accountability from DH. While it feels like I am impacted every day by his behavior, it appears that his life goes on unchanged. (He would say he is hurting internally.) He has been subjected to my anger and sadness and withholding sex, but no punishment or accountability otherwise. There are a couple of times when he has really looked me in the eye and fully owned what he did, the lying and covering tracks, etc. and that felt helpful to me, even though it's hard to hear.

For some reason, I am hung up on the fact that he has told no one. Especially his family. They have no idea what's been going on or what he's done. I have pulled back from my communication with his family significantly b/c I dont know how to behave around them when they dont know how much I've been hurting, or what their son has done. I used to be in very frequent contact with MIL.

I have this idea that if his parents knew, then they could somehow help with this accountability and ownership that i'm looking for. But it's possible that they will just be very sympathetic with DH, he is their son after all, and I will not get what I'm looking for. (To make it extra tricky, my MIL was unfaithful in her first marriage, so maybe she really has a lot of sympathy for DH's position.) When I bring this up with DH, he says that he doesn't want to tell them b/c you can't really "repack that box" so to speak.

Does anyone have experience with this? Did your spouse disclose his/her affair to his/her own family? Was it helpful to you or hurtful?

My DH had multiple affairs over the course of the first ten years of our marriage. My family (parents and my sister) found out (the same time that I did) and we told one other couple that are our close friends with. My family does not even know the full extent of his affairs...they think he had a one time lapse in judgement...whereas I found out over the course of months that there had been others.

His family has no idea what happened. It's been over 10 years ago now, however, I still sometimes wish they knew. We have had some rough patches in our relationship recently and I know my MIL was concerned for us... If she only knew! I know if I were to leave the relationship, I would look like the "bad" one in their eyes....although I suffered years of depression as a result of his action. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair. I found out several months ago and we are working on it, both in counseling, etc. I have told some friends and found support through that. DH has told no one other than his therapist and our marriage counselor. he is ashamed and very remorseful, but we still have a ways to go to climb back from this.

One of the things I am struggling with is looking for some sense of ownership and accountability from DH. While it feels like I am impacted every day by his behavior, it appears that his life goes on unchanged. (He would say he is hurting internally.) He has been subjected to my anger and sadness and withholding sex, but no punishment or accountability otherwise. There are a couple of times when he has really looked me in the eye and fully owned what he did, the lying and covering tracks, etc. and that felt helpful to me, even though it's hard to hear.

For some reason, I am hung up on the fact that he has told no one. Especially his family. They have no idea what's been going on or what he's done. I have pulled back from my communication with his family significantly b/c I dont know how to behave around them when they dont know how much I've been hurting, or what their son has done. I used to be in very frequent contact with MIL.

I have this idea that if his parents knew, then they could somehow help with this accountability and ownership that i'm looking for. But it's possible that they will just be very sympathetic with DH, he is their son after all, and I will not get what I'm looking for. (To make it extra tricky, my MIL was unfaithful in her first marriage, so maybe she really has a lot of sympathy for DH's position.) When I bring this up with DH, he says that he doesn't want to tell them b/c you can't really "repack that box" so to speak.

Does anyone have experience with this? Did your spouse disclose his/her affair to his/her own family? Was it helpful to you or hurtful?

My DH had multiple affairs over the course of the first ten years of our marriage. My family (parents and my sister) found out (the same time that I did) and we told one other couple that are our close friends with. My family does not even know the full extent of his affairs...they think he had a one time lapse in judgement...whereas I found out over the course of months that there had been others.

His family has no idea what happened. It's been over 10 years ago now, however, I still sometimes wish they knew. We have had some rough patches in our relationship recently and I know my MIL was concerned for us... If she only knew! I know if I were to leave the relationship, I would look like the "bad" one in their eyes....although I suffered years of depression as a result of his action. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

pp, if it's any consolation my family held me largely accountable and without having to protest and expose it all came out in the end. Doesn't always happen that way, but does more than most might expect. I also found out they knew more than I realized but they didn't connect the dots until some other things came to light.