Reply to Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH had an affair. I found out several months ago and we are working on it, both in counseling, etc. I have told some friends and found support through that. DH has told no one other than his therapist and our marriage counselor.  he is ashamed and very remorseful, but we still have a ways to go to climb back from this.

One of the things I am struggling with is looking for some sense of ownership and accountability from DH. While it feels like I am impacted every day by his behavior, it appears that his life goes on unchanged. (He would say he is hurting internally.) He has been subjected to my anger and sadness and withholding sex, but no punishment or accountability otherwise. There are a couple of times when he has really looked me in the eye and fully owned what he did, the lying and covering tracks, etc. and that felt helpful to me, even though it's hard to hear.

For some reason, I am hung up on the fact that he has told no one. Especially his family. They have no idea what's been going on or what he's done. I have pulled back from my communication with his family significantly b/c I dont know how to behave around them when they dont know how much I've been hurting, or what their son has done. I used to be in very frequent contact with MIL.

I have this idea that if his parents knew, then they could somehow help with this accountability and ownership that i'm looking for. But it's possible that they will just be very sympathetic with DH, he is their son after all, and I will not get what I'm looking for. (To make it extra tricky, my MIL was unfaithful in her first marriage, so maybe she really has a lot of sympathy for DH's position.) When I bring this up with DH, he says that he doesn't want to tell them b/c you can't really "repack that box" so to speak.

Does anyone have experience with this?  Did your spouse disclose his/her affair to his/her own family?  Was it helpful to you or hurtful? [/quote]

My DH had multiple affairs over the course of the first ten years of our marriage. My family (parents and my sister) found out (the same time that I did) and we told one other couple that are our close friends with. My family does not even know the full extent of his affairs...they think he had a one time lapse in judgement...whereas I found out over the course of months that there had been others.

His family has no idea what happened. It's been over 10 years ago now, however, I still sometimes wish they knew. We have had some rough patches in our relationship recently and I know my MIL was concerned for us... If she only knew!  I know if I were to leave the relationship, I would look like the "bad" one in their eyes....although I suffered years of depression as a result of his action. I'm sorry for what you are going through. [/quote]

pp, if it's any consolation my family held me largely accountable and without having to protest and expose it all came out in the end. Doesn't always happen that way, but does more than most might expect. I also found out they knew more than I realized but they didn't connect the dots until some other things came to light.[/quote]

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