Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP. Keep going to therapy, maybe join a support group. I think you only consider telling family if the two of you have already filed for divorce. It's natural to want to see him hurt the way he hurt you. I think your wanting to shame him is not going to have the effect you'd want. And it's better to look inside yourself, because this is more about you feeling shame about the situation, and wanting to get rid of your feelings of shame by pushing it on him. A good therapist will help you release shame in a healthy way, because shame is such a toxic thing. And this will take time and effort to heal and move on from. Someone else posted that the first two years were the worst, and that was my experience, too.

[Anonymous]

Another vote in favor of telling as few people as necessary. Most people, including myself, when hearing about other's affairs shrug and don't really care (affair are pretty common, most marriages involve infidelity at some point even if not discovered). A smaller group are the ones who gossip about why there was the affair (he's a dirtbag, she's a controlling shrew who doesn't like sex). And as other's have pointed out, if you stay together, then the gossipers will look at you as a chump (see the poster who owns the chumplady site that constantly promotes it here).

I have a couple of sons who are nearing marriage age. I assume my reaction to hearing that they cheated on their spouse would be "that's unfortunate for them" but its not like I would view them as irredeemable monsters. People are flawed. I will love my children through their flaws. Come to think of it, I would find it strange that my daughter-in-law felt it necessary to involve me in their family and sex life.

Good luck to you, I know you are hurting.

[Anonymous]

As the cheater, it actually feels good to share it. Whew. The secret it out. I'm a horrible person. Now, back to business.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Just want to thank people for chiming in. All responses, kind and harsh, were illuminating. I think this has really helped me let go of the idea of telling his family. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I'm late to this conversation, but I just wanted to add my prayers for you and your husband. May God be with you on this difficult journey and bring complete healing to your marriage. It may be that the story you're writing together will one day be an inspiration and encouragement to others. XO

[Anonymous]

My mother in law took her son's side. It was a slap in the face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother in law took her son's side. It was a slap in the face.

Honestly, what did you expect? My DD would have to do something incredibly awful like abusing a child for me to not be on her side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH had an affair. I found out several months ago and we are working on it, both in counseling, etc. I have told some friends and found support through that. DH has told no one other than his therapist and our marriage counselor. he is ashamed and very remorseful, but we still have a ways to go to climb back from this.

One of the things I am struggling with is looking for some sense of ownership and accountability from DH. While it feels like I am impacted every day by his behavior, it appears that his life goes on unchanged. (He would say he is hurting internally.) He has been subjected to my anger and sadness and withholding sex, but no punishment or accountability otherwise. There are a couple of times when he has really looked me in the eye and fully owned what he did, the lying and covering tracks, etc. and that felt helpful to me, even though it's hard to hear.

For some reason, I am hung up on the fact that he has told no one. Especially his family. They have no idea what's been going on or what he's done. I have pulled back from my communication with his family significantly b/c I dont know how to behave around them when they dont know how much I've been hurting, or what their son has done. I used to be in very frequent contact with MIL.

I have this idea that if his parents knew, then they could somehow help with this accountability and ownership that i'm looking for. But it's possible that they will just be very sympathetic with DH, he is their son after all, and I will not get what I'm looking for. (To make it extra tricky, my MIL was unfaithful in her first marriage, so maybe she really has a lot of sympathy for DH's position.) When I bring this up with DH, he says that he doesn't want to tell them b/c you can't really "repack that box" so to speak.

Does anyone have experience with this? Did your spouse disclose his/her affair to his/her own family? Was it helpful to you or hurtful?

I'm a DH who was on your end. We ultimately divorced because I wouldn't forgive her. No amount of counceling or therapy worked. I lost couldn't get the image of the two of them doing stuff that was reserved for me. It made me question a lot of things. I only told my two best friends when they asked what was wrong. One was a guy and the other a woman. We've all known each other for 20 years and it's only when she asked when the three of us wee together did I say something. Women are more perceptive of things like this generally and even though they both knew something was up, she could see I had just shit off emotionally from everything and kind of staged an intervention.

Regardless, I didn't feel airing sorry laundry was helpful to me or my family. I had a kid and wanted to look out for them too. I didn't need my ex-wife being demonized for this either because like it or not, she is going to be in my kid's life. My friends didn't tell anyone nor will they. People have asked and I just say things didn't work out. I leave it like that and if they prove, I tell them it's not their business so shove off.

People are generally mosey and they're gossips. Being in the other end - being cheated on - is embarrassing as well. It makes people think you're not a good spouse as the other person decided to cheat. I know for me it made me question my own manhood. My closest friends were there to tell me that's not the case. But still, it hurts.

Long story short, telling people outside your circle accomplishes nothing. It makes you a martyr if that's your intended goal I suppose. I didn't want to be seen as that. I wanted to just move on with my life and rebuild myself.

[Anonymous]

In all honesty what his family doesn't know won't hurt them.

I understand your anger, I would be livid....However what possible good could come out of him confessing to his family that he went outside his marriage?

As he is an adult now it is highly unlikely that they will lecture and reprimand him for his bad behavior.
And like you stated, he is THEIR family first so their loyalty will always be with him on this.

I recommend you talk to close relatives, friends....possibly even a clergyman for advice and support.
Or even a licensed therapist or social worker.

Getting through this cannot be done on your own OP!

Best of luck to you during this most difficult time.....

[Anonymous]

For moving forward, sake of kids, family harmony, and not forevermore tainting how your inlaws view your marriage, better not to tell them.

[Anonymous]

They will find out eventually. You should tell them before someone else does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you want to punish him like his mommy would. Treating him like that is probably why he cheated in the first place

It's not OP's fault that he cheated, but being emasculated can lead some men to act out to prove their masculinity.

It's really a brilliant move on the wife's part when she does that.

He can't cheat, because then she becomes St. Cheated-Upon.

He can't hit her or yell at her, because ABUSE!!! (And yes, there are men who abuse their wives because they exist and they're pathetic creatures.)

He just has to sit there and take it.

If he attempts to rationally express his concerns, she'll just shoot him down with the accumulated mistakes of years of marriage (and they don't even need to include adultery, anything he does wrong will do really).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it appears you haven't told yours. Correct?

Here's the thing, if this is a temporary situation you will work through then I would involve as few people as possible. Especially family.

This. I wouldn't expect MIL to be on your "side" either. What happens in the bedroom is not for discussion with family.