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Reply to "Mom still talks trash about other woman (now dad's wife)"
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here: I know my dad was wrong, and I know my mom was hurt. My mom's career and financial situation - along with her social standing - suffered. I *get it.* What kills me is that she still kind of adores my dad, but will just lose her shit about his now-wife. She refuses to speak to or acknowledge her (dad's wife) at important gatherings - my wedding, my brother's recent graduation, etc. It's an ugly situation and I acknowledge that, but it's so uncomfortable when she talks such trash about this woman. (With whom, admittedly, I am not close.) I just try to politely listen and steer the conversation elsewhere, but nothing works, and she's been saying the same things for a long time. FWIW she is remarried, happily. I thought this would help her move on but it hasn't. [/quote] Uncomfortable? I would think it would be most uncomfortable that she was at these events. I wouldn't have invited the OW making that clear to your dad. There is no reason for the OW to come to any family events, that's something you kids can control and should do. [/quote] She's my father's wife. You seem only to have empathy for the woman scorned here, not the kids who are continually picking up the pieces! Stand in my shoes sometime and see how easy it is. [/quote] Those pieces you have had to pick up are all caused by your dad. Allowing the OW at family get together's is not wise imo.[/quote] Oh do shut up. This isn't the 'OW' -- it's her stepmother of 15 years. [/quote] lol still the other woman. [/quote] NP here. Look, I get it. Anyone who has an affair is permanently and utterly tainted in your eyes. Like the OP said, stand in her shoes. You work with the family that you have - which includes whoever your parents marry, whether you hate them or love them. Many of us choose to include step-parents (or even bio-parents!) who we don't particularly care for because we want the other parent to come to whatever. If the OP wants her father to attend things like children's birthday parties/graduations/weddings, excluding his wife may be counter to that agenda. You can scream all you want about how that means her dad is an asshole. No one is disagreeing with you there. But he's still her dad and she probably still wants to have a relationship with him. I disagree with the statement that cheating on the wife is cheating on the kids. It's actually possible to be a good parent and a shitty spouse - or vice-versa - at the same time. I'm divorced from someone who was a terrible husband but an amazing father. My mother cheated on my dad but was, to me and my siblings, an amazing mother. If that's not your experience, fine, but don't pretend that your experience applies to everyone else's experience. I don't think there is any situation that makes it okay for a parent to trashtalk another parent (step-parent, in this case) to the kids. [b]Making the kids bear that emotional burden is selfish and irresponsible - maybe not at the same level of selfish and irresponsible as cheating, but not in any way a good parenting decision. Deal with your own baggage in an appropriate way. Keep your kids out of it. [/b] I also think that if the OP's mom is still this viscerally angry after 15 years, she has not processed or dealt with her anger and grief in an effective way. Yes, she needs to move on. It's been 15 years. It's not healthy to dwell this much after 15 years.[/quote] +1 to this. OP's mother was justifiably hurt by what her father did. And it no doubt stings that her father and his second wife appear happy and well-off, while she was made poorer and sadder. But she should not be dumping her hurt onto her kids, repeatedly, for 15 years. She doesn't have to hide it from them and pretend like she doesn't care at all, but if she feels the need to constantly vent about how much she hates this other woman, get a therapist. You don't put your kids in the middle of your divorce, period. Unless the other person is abusive or neglectful, kids have the right to have a relationship with both parents and with any stepparents. They might decide that they don't want to, but that should be their choice.[/quote]
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