What happens to extroverted, controlling, bossy little girls down the line?

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old son is highly extraverted and a natural leader. He is popular with other kids, although can be a jerk sometimes. Teachers with strong classroom control love him, teachers without strong classroom control loath him (but he doesn't really do enough wrong to get detention or suspended). He can be really hard to parent. He alleges to not understand why his parents can take away his phone and tell him to go to bed or unload the dishwasher. We have the conversation almost daily. He is highly argumentative. He will always do what we want after an annoying discussion about it. Interestingly he has had a couple girlfriends, and both were highly assertive too.

[Anonymous]

I've no personal experience with this, but I'd encourage her leadership skills. She could be a CEO, a president, someone who can make a real difference in the world.

I liked this PP's advice:

Anonymous wrote:I am like that... I am a project manager so I still boss people around.

I have a strong sense of morals so I tended to defend the kids that were being bullied. I actually got an award at school because I stood up to a girl that was bullying a girl I didn't even know.

I also have a son that is this way and he has stood up to many bullies in his years at school.

I say to my son you have a gift ... you need to use it for good not evil.

At work, I read lots of books on communication and leadership to understand the difference between being assertive and aggressive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm parenting this kid. My 12 year old DD has a very strong personality. The bossy thing gradually got better. Although there was some intervention on our part, telling her to stop telling other kids what to do. But I think her peers played a bigger role in this. She has a very nice group of friends.

She still is strong willed. (Let's face it-- stubborn). And that can be a parenting challenge, because if she decides not to do something, then she doesn't do it, and she cannot be bribed, coerced or punished into changing her mind. But as she enters adolescence, I'm glad she has a backbone. I think she is well equipped to stand up for herself and not give in to peer pressure.

I'm not parenting exactly this kid, because mine has both introvert and extrovert tendencies, but my child has a strong personality. All her life we have taught her that kindness, consideration, and respect for others are values that are essential. DD is now in middle school. It is GREAT to have a kid who stands up for herself and her friends and who doesn't get sucked into whatever stupid stuff (which can later turn into dangerous stuff) her peers are trying to get her to do.

It's a godsend at this age. The posters who are urging you to crush your kid's spirit are frankly creeping me out.

[Anonymous]

You aren't helping her by labeling her as "bossy."

http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2014/03/09/288307452/sheryl-sandberg-the-word-bossy-should-be-banned

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a strong sense of morals so I tended to defend the kids that were being bullied. I actually got an award at school because I stood up to a girl that was bullying a girl I didn't even know.

I also have a son that is this way and he has stood up to many bullies in his years at school.

I say to my son you have a gift ... you need to use it for good not evil.

Amen to this! OP this is what you and your DH should be shooting for as you raise your DD.

[Anonymous]

My mother would have described me in a lot of similar ways, and thank goodness she didn't stamp it out of me. The crushing self-doubt of puberty will probably tone down some of it, but it's great for a girl to be assertive, strong, and have a strong sense of justice/fairness. That means she's more likely to stick up for herself and others when something "bad" is happening to them. That's a quality to encourage, not discourage.

It didn't hurt me socially. And now I'm an attorney, so I get to spend my days analyzing and making decisions. I'm essentially paid to have an opinion and share it.

You may want to see if she's interested in sports, that's a great avenue for kids and is a space that allows them to use their leadership skills positively.

[Anonymous]

Encourage empathy and kindness. My DD was a little like this until she had a baby brother and I didn't let her boss him around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she is pretty, she will meet someone fabulous one day.
If she is average or below in looks, it will be a tough road for her.

Yep. It's really held Hillary Clinton, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Madeline Albright, Condi Rice, Amy Schumer, Tammy Duckworth, Elizabeth Warren, Loretta Lynch, Michelle Obama, Sheryl Sandberg, Barbara Walters, Barbara Streisand, and Margaret Cho back.

If anything, it seems like bright, bossy girls only succeed if they AREN'T pretty.

[Anonymous]

We know a little girl like this in my child's K class.

Honestly, after a time she becomes insufferable to teachers and parent volunteers, just like the hyperactive (yet smart and cute) little boy in the same class.

She is exactly what you describe - very intelligent and observant, very kind, very bossy and demanding, and constantly pointing out stuff and requiring attention. She's exhausting, plain and simple.

Society favors compliant children. But that doesn't mean more demanding ones aren't successful! I would imagine they could become extremely successful... and perhaps they would need to put a little more effort into managing their relationships.

[Anonymous]

For some, Kindergarten is the peak of their lives.

[Anonymous]

They become the sort of ex-wife that nightmares are made of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm parenting this kid. My 12 year old DD has a very strong personality. The bossy thing gradually got better. Although there was some intervention on our part, telling her to stop telling other kids what to do. But I think her peers played a bigger role in this. She has a very nice group of friends.

She still is strong willed. (Let's face it-- stubborn). And that can be a parenting challenge, because if she decides not to do something, then she doesn't do it, and she cannot be bribed, coerced or punished into changing her mind. But as she enters adolescence, I'm glad she has a backbone. I think she is well equipped to stand up for herself and not give in to peer pressure.

This!

It is far better to raise a bossy girl than a compliant girl.

No boy iw going to talk a bossy girl into doing anything she doesn't want to do.

Focus on giving her the skills to turn that bossiness into strength and headstrongness by the time she gets to the teen years.

Also, really stress with her how important kindness is and most importantly, looking out and standing up for those weaker than her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she is pretty, she will meet someone fabulous one day.
If she is average or below in looks, it will be a tough road for her.

Yep. It's really held Hillary Clinton, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Madeline Albright, Condi Rice, Amy Schumer, Tammy Duckworth, Elizabeth Warren, Loretta Lynch, Michelle Obama, Sheryl Sandberg, Barbara Walters, Barbara Streisand, and Margaret Cho back.

If anything, it seems like bright, bossy girls only succeed if they AREN'T pretty.

It is worth emphasizing that plain to ugly women can absolutely thrive in law firms. Will partners seek them out to have affairs with? Usually not. But they will be trusted and rewarded accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know where she got this from (just kidding- dad and I both have strong personalities and are go-getter types) but over the last year or two, my 5 year old's personality has really emerged, for better or worse.

-Extremely extroverted and thrives on social interaction.
-Kind, but intensely competitive at the same time
-Bossy- very, very, very bossy
-Very bright
-Analytical in the kindergartener sense- thinks about the "why's" and the "how's" and tries to get around things, very quick to point out rules/policies/actions that don't make sense to her

I'm curious if anyone had a little girl like this and what they ended up to be like as an adolescent or young adult. I am not sure how to encourage the good while also shutting down the bad. I have Sheryl Sandberg in the back of my head, saying that we shouldn't refer to little girls as bossy.. but she really is bossy, and I'm afraid this is going to hurt her socially. I guess I'm just not sure what to expect as a parent. I know there are plenty of other kids with this personality type, I just don't know any of them personally.

Thanks.

My DD has a friend like this. Now in middle school this is what I observe added onto your original post:

- Extremely extroverted and thrives on social interaction AND now so do plenty of other girls. Many girls who were shy in K have changed so much over the years!
-Kind, but intensely competitive at the same time AND still intensely competitive but now "loses" more often because being competitive in K is pretty easy but being competitive as they get older is harder because all the other kids get better at things and sometimes much, much better.
-Bossy- very, very, very bossy AND still is bossing her mother and father around and it's now embarrasing for the parents becuase what they thought was cute and assertive in K has lost it's charm in middle school. Also, because she runs the show at their house, parents have been less willing to let their kids hang out there now that kids are older. IN terms of other kids, the bossiness has toned down a lot because being bossy in K was really easy.
-Very bright AND meh, average. Because it's easy to be "very bright" in K and every single kid in my child's class was.
-Analytical in the kindergartener sense- thinks about the "why's" and the "how's" and tries to get around things, very quick to point out rules/policies/actions that don't make sense to her AND it's not that she is being "analytical" it's that she is being bratty and argumentative and as the parent and you are thinking it's because she it super smart/awesome/cool and you are secretly patting yourself on the back for this behavior. By middle school, you will be regretting it. (see above)

Honestly, PP, your post reeks of jealousy

[Anonymous]

She sounds awesome! She'll learn how to channel that energy into getting things done someday. As long as she's learning lessons about how to get along with peers, and you can set appropriate boundaries with her at home, then I don't think you need to worry. I think the key is making sure she is very challenged academically so she doesn't end up feeling entitled or like a know-it-all.