Will likely have to serve ex w/custody papers. Help me stay calm.

[Anonymous]

Nice job on making the best of what must be a very difficult situation for you.

It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can to provide for your daughter financially and to ensure she grows up in a stable home environment surrounded by multiple generations of nurturing caregivers. I think your ex’s track record and current level of involvement tells you what you need to know about his interest in parental bonding and the likelihood that he will be a permanent fixture in your daughter’s life.

Getting a lawyer involved is probably very wise at this point. While it is always helpful to continue to try and keep the dialogue open between you and the child’s father, you definitely want to have another (legal) course of action in case communication stops altogether. And in the event you are unable to take care of your child due to unforeseen circumstances, she will be protected under the law.

I’m sure that the emotional aspects are hard to accept an, financially, it may be a strain, but just knowing your daughter will be safe and secure will hopefully provide you with some comfort in your decision. Praying for calmness and guidance and strength.

[Anonymous]

I am in a situation like the one you describe with a man I married between children. We were only married a few months. It changed nothing and we didn't have a wedding with that in mind. Anyway, I have full legal and physical custody and I just wanted to share that I don't believe I've ever had to pull out any of the paperwork to get anything done. Ever.

Maybe he signed the passport application, but I'm really not sure if he's even had to do that. I think I bothered with a letter regarding international travel but have never once used it and couldn't even tell you where it is right now. I leave the "second parent" spot empty on any given form and make my own decisions regarding the children.

If I were you, I'd couch this in his decision to move abroad and ask that he sign something that allows you to do whatever you need to, but honestly, it sounds as if his own disinterest has already left you to do your own thing and it's only your efforts to include him that have complicated your situation. I'd be concerned about death benefits while he's abroad and things like that, not whether you're entitled to pierce her ears or whatnot.

If you decide to move out of the city while DC's still a minor, you will have years of evidence of his enduring disinterest to provide the Court should you need to then. You are raising the child on your own----providing everything, caring solely, and making daily decisions.

I'm not sure what this would change, but go for it, if that's what you want. I would encourage you to simply present him with something when he sees DC for the holidays. You're in no way obligated to maintain his whole "keeping it out of the courts" approach. If he doesn't sign the agreement, file. From what you've written, it really doesn't seem as if he's going to have any say in the matter.

Once he's gone, please let him go. You say the ship has sailed on him being a good father. Well, the time has also passed when you need to keep him updated and encourage a relationship. I say this as a BTDT sister to you. I hope that gaining full custody and working out your guardianship arrangement brings you peace. Let this be over.

[Anonymous]

OP back with an update. I appreciate these thoughtful responses. Many of you have dealt with complex situations as well, and it helps to hear those stories. He and I spoke a few times re: plans for his visit; I have family in town at the same time and I wanted to ensure they'd have some uninterrupted time to hang out and play. I brought up the paperwork I had sent...that he and I should set aside some time to talk and get it taken care of...that I'd like to hear his thoughts and ensure we're both comfortable with what is essentially a legal formality. He leaves a few days before Christmas to see his parents in another state, and I said we could get it done before his trip.

He'd like to wait until after Christmas, which I understand and said sure, let's talk after the holiday. I have no desire to deal with these issues over Christmas either. But this is the typical stalling behavior I've seen from him in the past. What I anticipate is that he'll become unavailable after the holiday, or just keep me in limbo for a while until he refuses to sign, at which time I'll probably have to serve him, unless he leave the country unexpectedly.

So I'm going to cool my jets, but I'm going to get this done. This is the type of game-playing I'll deal with forever from him. It's gotta end.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad to know the lines of communication are open once again, and that he has agreed to speak after Christmas. Hopefully, he will follow-through on his promise and the two of you will continue to have a good working relationship, which can only benefit your daughter and give you peace of mind. Wishing you all the best in this situation, and hoping you have a blessed Christmas and a healthy and prosperous new year.

[Anonymous]

It's a little unclear to me what you hope to gain. If it's the ability to make decisions, how is that being constrained right now? If he does not agree to you having sole legal custody, he can probably get joint and then you could end up with a court order requiring you to consult and agree on all major decisions.

If it's certainty about the future when a new wife comes along, that's not a given either. It's not uncommon for a re-married dad and stepmom to seek to change an existing arrangement.

If it's naming a guardian - short of terminating his parental rights, if something happens to you the default would be that he gets custody, and a custody agreement probably would not change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a little unclear to me what you hope to gain. If it's the ability to make decisions, how is that being constrained right now? If he does not agree to you having sole legal custody, he can probably get joint and then you could end up with a court order requiring you to consult and agree on all major decisions.

If it's certainty about the future when a new wife comes along, that's not a given either. It's not uncommon for a re-married dad and stepmom to seek to change an existing arrangement.

If it's naming a guardian - short of terminating his parental rights, if something happens to you the default would be that he gets custody, and a custody agreement probably would not change that.

OP here. My goal is preservation of my emotional health as I raise my daughter. As many of you know, raising a child 100% on your own, with no co-parent or family in the area, is not only physically taxing. It's a huge emotional stress. Now, I love my life with my child. And I have a great friend network and supportive parents who fly up here more than I could ever ask for. But part of internal security (at least for me) is knowing that plans are in place for "what if" scenarios. This is why I have life insurance. Renter's insurance. Etc. I hope I never have to use them. Statistically, I probably won't. But not having a plan B isn't how I like to live.

A court may grant joint custody. It's possible. It's hard to imagine they'd grant it to someone who lives overseas, doesn't plan on moving back anytime soon, and has never paid CS, but sure, they might. I'm not even sure it'd be the worst thing in the world. After all, I never plan on cutting him out of her life. And if he became more connected with her? Well that certainly wouldn't be a bad thing.

But remember this is a guy who adamently doesn't want to pay CS. Like, really doesn't want to (I'm pretty disgusted with that part, but I think he has deep-seated issues and the money isn't worth it to me, so I've let it go). Joint custody means he's all of a sudden on the hook for CS. I can't refuse it or waive it. It's not my money to decline. So when push comes to shove, I have a hard time imagining he'll go for joint, likely (and sadly) for this reason alone.

Re: a new wife, sure, they could file to re-eval. But the energy required to challenge an order in place is very different than that required to establish an order at all. If the future "they" wanted to re-eval, we'd talk first, and perhaps they'd have to file. Perhaps (and optimally), we could just agree to a plan with no court involvement. But as I've said previously, ex's decision making often comes from a pretty selfish place. I haven't seen him make one decision thus far that was strictly for DD's benefit. Not one.

Finally, re: naming a guardian, that's what started the whole conversation. With the world becoming as unstable as it is, I feel strongly that we need a written plan re: DD's care if I die/become injured. He doesn't want to be that person. He wants my mom to be. So that part isn't in dispute. The issue is legal custody, which he doesn't want to define. It boxes him in. He doesn't want that. It's a kind of passive control (I believe) that he wants to maintain. It's not OK with me anymore.

Bottom line: he's going to live his life. I know this and have let him go. DD's emtional health will be built on many relationships; one of which I hope is the one with her Dad. But at this point in his life, with no substantive effort or involvement with her, he can't argue for a seat at the table for school decisions, health, etc. I'm a pretty mainstream lady. I vaccinate, we'll attend the public school, etc. So I'm not off making strange decisions. But they need to be my decisions.

I hope that explains things. Again, thanks to all for these thoughtful responses. And to the poster that wished us a nice holiday...same to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a little unclear to me what you hope to gain. If it's the ability to make decisions, how is that being constrained right now? If he does not agree to you having sole legal custody, he can probably get joint and then you could end up with a court order requiring you to consult and agree on all major decisions.

If it's certainty about the future when a new wife comes along, that's not a given either. It's not uncommon for a re-married dad and stepmom to seek to change an existing arrangement.

If it's naming a guardian - short of terminating his parental rights, if something happens to you the default would be that he gets custody, and a custody agreement probably would not change that.

OP here. My goal is preservation of my emotional health as I raise my daughter. As many of you know, raising a child 100% on your own, with no co-parent or family in the area, is not only physically taxing. It's a huge emotional stress. Now, I love my life with my child. And I have a great friend network and supportive parents who fly up here more than I could ever ask for. But part of internal security (at least for me) is knowing that plans are in place for "what if" scenarios. This is why I have life insurance. Renter's insurance. Etc. I hope I never have to use them. Statistically, I probably won't. But not having a plan B isn't how I like to live.

A court may grant joint custody. It's possible. It's hard to imagine they'd grant it to someone who lives overseas, doesn't plan on moving back anytime soon, and has never paid CS, but sure, they might. I'm not even sure it'd be the worst thing in the world. After all, I never plan on cutting him out of her life. And if he became more connected with her? Well that certainly wouldn't be a bad thing.

But remember this is a guy who adamently doesn't want to pay CS. Like, really doesn't want to (I'm pretty disgusted with that part, but I think he has deep-seated issues and the money isn't worth it to me, so I've let it go). Joint custody means he's all of a sudden on the hook for CS. I can't refuse it or waive it. It's not my money to decline. So when push comes to shove, I have a hard time imagining he'll go for joint, likely (and sadly) for this reason alone.

Re: a new wife, sure, they could file to re-eval. But the energy required to challenge an order in place is very different than that required to establish an order at all. If the future "they" wanted to re-eval, we'd talk first, and perhaps they'd have to file. Perhaps (and optimally), we could just agree to a plan with no court involvement. But as I've said previously, ex's decision making often comes from a pretty selfish place. I haven't seen him make one decision thus far that was strictly for DD's benefit. Not one.

Finally, re: naming a guardian, that's what started the whole conversation. With the world becoming as unstable as it is, I feel strongly that we need a written plan re: DD's care if I die/become injured. He doesn't want to be that person. He wants my mom to be. So that part isn't in dispute. The issue is legal custody, which he doesn't want to define. It boxes him in. He doesn't want that. It's a kind of passive control (I believe) that he wants to maintain. It's not OK with me anymore.

Bottom line: he's going to live his life. I know this and have let him go. DD's emtional health will be built on many relationships; one of which I hope is the one with her Dad. But at this point in his life, with no substantive effort or involvement with her, he can't argue for a seat at the table for school decisions, health, etc. I'm a pretty mainstream lady. I vaccinate, we'll attend the public school, etc. So I'm not off making strange decisions. But they need to be my decisions.

I hope that explains things. Again, thanks to all for these thoughtful responses. And to the poster that wished us a nice holiday...same to you.

Hi Op, just read this thread, and you sound like an awesome mom. Really strong and clear-thinking. I hope for the best for you and your child during this holiday - keep us updated.

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it just right, OP. You are keeping him informed of everything. If he ignores you after Christmas and you have to serve him with the papers, it won't really be a big shock to him -- which means it is much less of an aggressive move than to blindside him.

I am guessing that he is just a huge conflict avoider in life. I doubt he is even really trying to thwart the process, he'd just rather ignore it and hope it goes away.

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you have to serve him papers? He would probably welcome turning over legal custody to you, especially if you include a provision forfeiting all child support.

Just ask him to sign the documents. I'm sure he'll do it. He clearly really doesn't want to be involved as a father. Let him go lead his life, and just keep doing what you are doing with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a little unclear to me what you hope to gain. If it's the ability to make decisions, how is that being constrained right now? If he does not agree to you having sole legal custody, he can probably get joint and then you could end up with a court order requiring you to consult and agree on all major decisions.

If it's certainty about the future when a new wife comes along, that's not a given either. It's not uncommon for a re-married dad and stepmom to seek to change an existing arrangement.

If it's naming a guardian - short of terminating his parental rights, if something happens to you the default would be that he gets custody, and a custody agreement probably would not change that.

OP here. My goal is preservation of my emotional health as I raise my daughter. As many of you know, raising a child 100% on your own, with no co-parent or family in the area, is not only physically taxing. It's a huge emotional stress. Now, I love my life with my child. And I have a great friend network and supportive parents who fly up here more than I could ever ask for. But part of internal security (at least for me) is knowing that plans are in place for "what if" scenarios. This is why I have life insurance. Renter's insurance. Etc. I hope I never have to use them. Statistically, I probably won't. But not having a plan B isn't how I like to live.

A court may grant joint custody. It's possible. It's hard to imagine they'd grant it to someone who lives overseas, doesn't plan on moving back anytime soon, and has never paid CS, but sure, they might. I'm not even sure it'd be the worst thing in the world. After all, I never plan on cutting him out of her life. And if he became more connected with her? Well that certainly wouldn't be a bad thing.

But remember this is a guy who adamently doesn't want to pay CS. Like, really doesn't want to (I'm pretty disgusted with that part, but I think he has deep-seated issues and the money isn't worth it to me, so I've let it go). Joint custody means he's all of a sudden on the hook for CS. I can't refuse it or waive it. It's not my money to decline. So when push comes to shove, I have a hard time imagining he'll go for joint, likely (and sadly) for this reason alone.

I don't see how he can avoid paying CS if you file. If you get sole legal custody, he will still be ordered to pay CS. I think the only way out of CS is to terminate parental rights. So if you file and he is ordered to pay CS, think about how he will react.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a little unclear to me what you hope to gain. If it's the ability to make decisions, how is that being constrained right now? If he does not agree to you having sole legal custody, he can probably get joint and then you could end up with a court order requiring you to consult and agree on all major decisions.

If it's certainty about the future when a new wife comes along, that's not a given either. It's not uncommon for a re-married dad and stepmom to seek to change an existing arrangement.

If it's naming a guardian - short of terminating his parental rights, if something happens to you the default would be that he gets custody, and a custody agreement probably would not change that.

OP here. My goal is preservation of my emotional health as I raise my daughter. As many of you know, raising a child 100% on your own, with no co-parent or family in the area, is not only physically taxing. It's a huge emotional stress. Now, I love my life with my child. And I have a great friend network and supportive parents who fly up here more than I could ever ask for. But part of internal security (at least for me) is knowing that plans are in place for "what if" scenarios. This is why I have life insurance. Renter's insurance. Etc. I hope I never have to use them. Statistically, I probably won't. But not having a plan B isn't how I like to live.

A court may grant joint custody. It's possible. It's hard to imagine they'd grant it to someone who lives overseas, doesn't plan on moving back anytime soon, and has never paid CS, but sure, they might. I'm not even sure it'd be the worst thing in the world. After all, I never plan on cutting him out of her life. And if he became more connected with her? Well that certainly wouldn't be a bad thing.

But remember this is a guy who adamently doesn't want to pay CS. Like, really doesn't want to (I'm pretty disgusted with that part, but I think he has deep-seated issues and the money isn't worth it to me, so I've let it go). Joint custody means he's all of a sudden on the hook for CS. I can't refuse it or waive it. It's not my money to decline. So when push comes to shove, I have a hard time imagining he'll go for joint, likely (and sadly) for this reason alone.

I don't see how he can avoid paying CS if you file. If you get sole legal custody, he will still be ordered to pay CS. I think the only way out of CS is to terminate parental rights. So if you file and he is ordered to pay CS, think about how he will react.

Custody, visitation and CS are different issues. You can put one before the court and not the others. You can also agree to waive child support. Further, he can pay her and she can refund him the money. There's a number of different scenarios that don't involve him paying CS if that's what OP wants to do.

[Anonymous]

OP here, parents cannot waive CS. Parents do have a great deal of flexibility in setting the terms, and are encouraged to create a plan rather than letting a judge decide. But no, I cannot waive it. And I have no desire to waive support or terminate his rights. What he is able/willing to do now may change in the future. That's on him...I'm making decisions for DD and I that are active and very child-focused now. This is the center of my focus.

I've put the issue on the shelf until after the holidays. Won't change the out come but that's what I think is appropriate. Hopefully he'll stay stateside long enough to get this wrapped up.

I hope everyone has a warm holiday with loved ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, parents cannot waive CS. Parents do have a great deal of flexibility in setting the terms, and are encouraged to create a plan rather than letting a judge decide. But no, I cannot waive it. And I have no desire to waive support or terminate his rights. What he is able/willing to do now may change in the future. That's on him...I'm making decisions for DD and I that are active and very child-focused now. This is the center of my focus.

I've put the issue on the shelf until after the holidays. Won't change the out come but that's what I think is appropriate. Hopefully he'll stay stateside long enough to get this wrapped up.

I hope everyone has a warm holiday with loved ones.

OP, a judge may order child support and do a garnishment.

[Anonymous]

If he adamantly wants to never pay child support, offer him an out legally to never have to do that by getting his parental rights terminated. Absentee father with no relationship.

[Anonymous]

And before anyone says it's not possible, my sister was able to do it.