Will likely have to serve ex w/custody papers. Help me stay calm.

[Anonymous]

I am currently a single mom with a terrific 3 yr old. She was an unplanned, but welcome gift; her dad and I dated for a year and had ended our relationship when I learned I was pregnant. I wanted the child, he waffled significantly (asked that I get an abortion, then asked me to have the child and marry him, etc.). I elected not to file for child support; I am very comfortable financially and told him that I valued his involvement more than money; he stated he wanted to be involved and we agreed that we would reevaluate CS at some later time.

Fast forward 3 years. He's almost completely uninolved. While this is disappointing, it's not surprising. I was aware when I made the decision to have a child as a single woman that this was possible. I have a big extended family who is very involved with her, and I've maintained good relationships with his family as well. DD has lots of adults who love her, including uncles, grandpas, and male cousins. It's not perfect, but I'm doing the best I can.

He recently took a job overseas and plans to stay there for another year and a half. I've kept our situation out of court because I always hoped we could work together. But I don't feel that the absence of a formal custody agreement makes sense anymore. With two parents living on separate continents, I need to be able to make her legal decisions without his input. He skypes with her once every 1-2 mos, emails me minimally. Is largely unresponsive when I contact him. So I don't feel comfortable sharing legal custody. Additionally, we need a guardianship agreement if I die or become injured. My parents are young, healthy, and involved. He agreed when we skyped that they are a good choice for custody if something happens to me, and that he doesn't want that responsibility.

But now he's ignoring the conversation again. Won't return emails, etc. My attorney has let me know that we just need to serve him with papers via a process server when he's visiting her here for the holidays. I realize this is what's necessary but am worried about the expense and aggression of opening up this line of actions. It's making me pretty anxious.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Personally I'd leave it alone. You do not want child support and he's not really involved. The only reason why I could see you needing it is to get her a passport or another reason that requires two parent consent.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you need to do this, and I really hope you don't mean you would literally serve him w papers while he is spending time w dd.

[Anonymous]

OP here; my concern is that he has shown pretty poor decision making over time, and I don't like the idea of being legally vulnerable in the coming years. For example, if moving closer to my parents in the midwest is best for us, I would like to be able to plan that without anticipation of roadblocks.

Also, neither of us are married, but that will likely change in the future. I'd like us to make clean decisions before there are other opinions in the mix (esp ones who don't have DD's best interest in mind).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you need to do this, and I really hope you don't mean you would literally serve him w papers while he is spending time w dd.

No. That would be inappropriate. But this needs to happen on US soil. The decision to be overseas was his. I'm working with what I have. Fwiw, when he was here, I created multiple opportunities for them to spend time together. He sometimes took these opportunties, and often didn't. I'm sad that he hasn't prioritized DD but I feel like I need to be free to make our decisions without the fear that he will became obstructive in the future.

[Anonymous]

What is it you are wanting the court to do? Grant you full custodial rights? Why don't you just tell him you're doing this so it doesn't appear like a sudden, hostile act. Couldn't you just give him some papers to sign since he's in agreement with you?

[Anonymous]

He's not going to care or want to be bothered. I don't disagree with you concern but you may be opening up a bigger can of worms than you anticipate. He may come in saying you are refusing contact and demand court ordered visitation. Are you ok with that (sounds like you are and are flexible but it will be on the courts terms, not yours)? My husband's ex went after him for more child support (after we got married assuming she could get my income despite living with a boyfriend she failed to declare) and instead the judge took her off the alimony (it was over a few years before but he was decent and kept paying) and took two of the three kids off chid support (over 18 but he was paying anyway). And, in return, he was also ordered several time a year visitation cross-country with her splitting the cost (she moved away). So, not to say it will happen to you, but it may not always go your way. (although that could benefit your child if he takes more of an interest in her). Also, the court expense are something to consider if he challenges you. The little more my husband's ex got went to paying the attorney so it was a wash.

Also, remember he can take you back to court if things change. In less you know its going to be an issue for medical or travel, personally I'd leave it alone. A court order will only make it cleaner too if he follows it. If he doesn't follow it, it will be another source of conflict (which it sounds like you are trying to avoid).

He isn't going to stop you from moving. You just move and tell him after you get there. He doesn't live in the area so no reason for him to block a move. If you put moving in the court order, a judge can block it and make you apply for permission.

Again, your logic of protecting your daughter is dead on, but there are other consequences to what you are choosing to do and it may work out great for you, but it could also backfire.

I would just make a will clearly stating your wishes.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you need to have sole legal custody. That will give you legal decision making power- the power you already have defacto. As you note, it will be the most important to have this in times of emergency and good that you're planning ahead. Pretty much nothing will change. Your ex will still be able to have the same amount of contact with DD.

Frame it for your ex in that same way. Since you're moving overseas, it makes sense to go ahead and do this little bit of legal housekeeping. They have to serve you with the papers while you're here. It's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you need to do this, and I really hope you don't mean you would literally serve him w papers while he is spending time w dd.

No. That would be inappropriate. But this needs to happen on US soil. The decision to be overseas was his. I'm working with what I have. Fwiw, when he was here, I created multiple opportunities for them to spend time together. He sometimes took these opportunties, and often didn't. I'm sad that he hasn't prioritized DD but I feel like I need to be free to make our decisions without the fear that he will became obstructive in the future.

'

If he is overseas, he's not bothering you so I'd leave it alone. You are looking for unnecessary trouble. You cannot force him to be a father. You can force him to pay child support but not visit, maintain contact or even care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that you need to have sole legal custody. That will give you legal decision making power- the power you already have defacto. As you note, it will be the most important to have this in times of emergency and good that you're planning ahead. Pretty much nothing will change. Your ex will still be able to have the same amount of contact with DD.

Frame it for your ex in that same way. Since you're moving overseas, it makes sense to go ahead and do this little bit of legal housekeeping. They have to serve you with the papers while you're here. It's not a big deal.

I'd just wait till the holidays, have a Power of Attorney done, and ask him to go to the bank and sign/notarize as he will be out of the country. I'd try to be cooperative to get what you need first.

[Anonymous]

I think you are proceeding smartly.

I wonder if it makes sense to give his family a heads up - hi family, just want to let you know that I've been talking with lawyers about drawing up a will that provides for DD. As part of that conversation, the lawyers have advised me that it would be best if I formalized legal custody of DD. Please rest assured nothing will change - I value your presence in DD's life, as well as her father's. But with him overseas, creating a stable legal framework for DD is the best way to guard her interests. My goal is not to disrupt anything or make life more difficult for anyone. There will be some paperwork and legal things to get through, but once that's over everything returns to normal. I am required to serve the father with legal papers, and it has to happen on US soil, which means over the holiday season. Again, this isn't about support, or visitation, or anything other than a formal legal custody that allows me to continue to make health and welfare decisions as I have in the past. As DD ages, making those decisions without a legal framework becomes more difficult, so it's best to sort it out now.

Let's get together soon - DD is looking forward to seeing you!

Just let them know what's going to happen, but put a positive spin on it and assure them you are only looking out for DD, and not out to change anything.

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry to hear this; it sounds difficult.

I think I would write one final email and make one final phone call outlining what you have said here in clear terms but without too much emotion. Don't be mad at him, but you are doing something that is important to your daughter's interest.

It is worth noting that you are not really asking for much-- ie you aren't demanding child support $, but really just asking to formalize what already seems to be headed. Remind him there is no rancor but that you are making sure your daughter is protected and able to live the best possible life.

You could even email the papers as an attachment to warn him and maybe that will encourage him to write back. You could also let him know even taht you are going to have the papers when he visits in person to sign.

I don't think it's too crazy to serve the papers. It's not that big of a deal, honestly,if you give him proper warning.
Keep reminding yourself this is not about him or you but about your daughter's interests.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for responses. To those intimating that I can't "force him to be a father"...of course I can't. That ship has sailed. This is about building our lives free of complications down the road. My child's emotional health and well being is tantamount in all of this; hence, her father will always have a role in her life (as long as he's kind and safe with her). Establishing legal custody won't change the amount of time he spends with her, which notable, is nil at this point. If he wants more time, he's got it. He'll always get it. That's what grown ups do...they work with each other.

I am worried about collateral complications though, as 11:24 suggests. He can be unreasonable and spiteful when he wants to be. Signing won't change things in reality, but I fear he will view it as loss of control and push back.

I guess I feel passively bullied by him and I'm tired of it. I want to be free of him, but this is about DD, not me. Just trying to flesh out these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it you are wanting the court to do? Grant you full custodial rights? Why don't you just tell him you're doing this so it doesn't appear like a sudden, hostile act. Couldn't you just give him some papers to sign since he's in agreement with you?

I have. I've emailed him everything. He ignores it.

[Anonymous]

For what it's worth, he can be served internationally. I know because I served my ex that way.