Reply to Will likely have to serve ex w/custody papers. Help me stay calm.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's a little unclear to me what you hope to gain. If it's the ability to make decisions, how is that being constrained right now? If he does not agree to you having sole legal custody, he can probably get joint and then you could end up with a court order requiring you to consult and agree on all major decisions.

If it's certainty about the future when a new wife comes along, that's not a given either. It's not uncommon for a re-married dad and stepmom to seek to change an existing arrangement.

If it's naming a guardian - short of terminating his parental rights, if something happens to you the default would be that he gets custody, and a custody agreement probably would not change that.

[/quote]

OP here. My goal is preservation of my emotional health as I raise my daughter. As many of you know, raising a child 100% on your own, with no co-parent or family in the area, is not only physically taxing. It's a huge emotional stress. Now, I love my life with my child. And I have a great friend network and supportive parents who fly up here more than I could ever ask for. But part of internal security (at least for me) is knowing that plans are in place for "what if" scenarios. This is why I have life insurance. Renter's insurance. Etc. I hope I never have to use them. Statistically, I probably won't. But not having a plan B isn't how I like to live.

A court may grant joint custody. It's possible. It's hard to imagine they'd grant it to someone who lives overseas, doesn't plan on moving back anytime soon, and has never paid CS, but sure, they might. I'm not even sure it'd be the worst thing in the world. After all, I never plan on cutting him out of her life. And if he became more connected with her? Well that certainly wouldn't be a bad thing.

But remember this is a guy who adamently doesn't want to pay CS. Like, really doesn't want to (I'm pretty disgusted with that part, but I think he has deep-seated issues and the money isn't worth it to me, so I've let it go). Joint custody means he's all of a sudden on the hook for CS. I can't refuse it or waive it. It's not my money to decline. So when push comes to shove, I have a hard time imagining he'll go for joint, likely (and sadly) for this reason alone.

Re: a new wife, sure, they could file to re-eval. But the energy required to challenge an order in place is very different than that required to establish an order at all. If the future "they" wanted to re-eval, we'd talk first, and perhaps they'd have to file. Perhaps (and optimally), we could just agree to a plan with no court involvement. But as I've said previously, ex's decision making often comes from a pretty selfish place. I haven't seen him make one decision thus far that was strictly for DD's benefit. Not one.

Finally, re: naming a guardian, that's what started the whole conversation. With the world becoming as unstable as it is, I feel strongly that we need a written plan re: DD's care if I die/become injured. He doesn't want to be that person. He wants my mom to be. So that part isn't in dispute. The issue is legal custody, which he doesn't want to define. It boxes him in. He doesn't want that. It's a kind of passive control (I believe) that he wants to maintain. It's not OK with me anymore.

Bottom line: he's going to live his life. I know this and have let him go. DD's emtional health will be built on many relationships; one of which I hope is the one with her Dad. But at this point in his life, with no substantive effort or involvement with her, he can't argue for a seat at the table for school decisions, health, etc.  I'm a pretty mainstream lady. I vaccinate, we'll attend the public school, etc. So I'm not off making strange decisions. But they need to be my decisions.

I hope that explains things. Again, thanks to all for these thoughtful responses. And to the poster that wished us a nice holiday...same to you. [/quote]

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