Will likely have to serve ex w/custody papers. Help me stay calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it you are wanting the court to do? Grant you full custodial rights? Why don't you just tell him you're doing this so it doesn't appear like a sudden, hostile act. Couldn't you just give him some papers to sign since he's in agreement with you?

+1

Don't take this to court.

It's that simple. There's no reason to contact this guy or bother him.

[Anonymous]

OP here, last update.

DD asked about her Dad the other day, and if he could pick her up from school. I said sure, checked with him, and we arranged it. They played for a nice few hours afterwards. After drop off DD went down for a nap fairly quickly. So I tried one last time to talk to him.

"Do you see how well she responds when you're here?", I said (she really does enjoy seeing him). He said he did. I asked if he'd thought further about a parenting agreement between the two of us. He said no. Then said, "you want me to sign something giving you full custody, don't you?". I told him I wanted to create an agreement that formalized parenting, in whatever form that was. If it involved a greater role for him, that was preferable to me. If he wanted no greater role, then yes, the agreement would reflect the lives we're living.

Because I knew this would be the last conversation we'd have before I filed, I threw it all out there. How some kids are very rooted in their identity; that she'd always wonder about him if he weren't more involved. That I could give her everything except her own dad. He could give her the gift of himself. Etc., etc. I emphasized that the two of us creating an agreement outside the court was beneficial to everyone, most importantly DD, but also us. Less expensive, less drama. That CS wasn't my primary aim, but if he forced me to file, I no longer have a choice. "Once it's in court, it's out of both our hands", I said. He said he's aware.

So, that's that. I touched base with the atty and she'll file for me in about a week. I suppose I've used this forum as something of a therapy process, so I appreciate all who've listened, even the occasional dissenting voices. I've heard lots of opinions...don't rock the boat, just let it go, etc. Even posters like the one above, who suggest I "don't bother him". If he was consistently either in or out of DD's life, I probably wouldn't. But what I've come to feel is the in/out business, lack of transparency regarding his life, and low grade hostility towards me for the past 4 years (when all I've done is raise and support our child, solo), isn't evidence that we don't need an agreement. It's evidence that we do. I had hoped we could include him in it, but it's clear he doesn't want that.

Thanks for listening. There's a part of me that wonders if I leave this all alone if he'll soften in 5 years? 10 years? Be more a part of her life if I continue to ask nothing of him and let him come and go as he pleases? But is that fair to DD? That doesn't seem like I'm advocating for my child. It feels low and somewhat humiliating to me. Neither of us planned the baby. Should I just let him be the guest star in all of this? Maybe that'd be better for her? Hard to say. Tough choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, last update.

DD asked about her Dad the other day, and if he could pick her up from school. I said sure, checked with him, and we arranged it. They played for a nice few hours afterwards. After drop off DD went down for a nap fairly quickly. So I tried one last time to talk to him.

"Do you see how well she responds when you're here?", I said (she really does enjoy seeing him). He said he did. I asked if he'd thought further about a parenting agreement between the two of us. He said no. Then said, "you want me to sign something giving you full custody, don't you?". I told him I wanted to create an agreement that formalized parenting, in whatever form that was. If it involved a greater role for him, that was preferable to me. If he wanted no greater role, then yes, the agreement would reflect the lives we're living.

Because I knew this would be the last conversation we'd have before I filed, I threw it all out there. How some kids are very rooted in their identity; that she'd always wonder about him if he weren't more involved. That I could give her everything except her own dad. He could give her the gift of himself. Etc., etc. I emphasized that the two of us creating an agreement outside the court was beneficial to everyone, most importantly DD, but also us. Less expensive, less drama. That CS wasn't my primary aim, but if he forced me to file, I no longer have a choice. "Once it's in court, it's out of both our hands", I said. He said he's aware.

So, that's that. I touched base with the atty and she'll file for me in about a week. I suppose I've used this forum as something of a therapy process, so I appreciate all who've listened, even the occasional dissenting voices. I've heard lots of opinions...don't rock the boat, just let it go, etc. Even posters like the one above, who suggest I "don't bother him". If he was consistently either in or out of DD's life, I probably wouldn't. But what I've come to feel is the in/out business, lack of transparency regarding his life, and low grade hostility towards me for the past 4 years (when all I've done is raise and support our child, solo), isn't evidence that we don't need an agreement. It's evidence that we do. I had hoped we could include him in it, but it's clear he doesn't want that.

Thanks for listening. There's a part of me that wonders if I leave this all alone if he'll soften in 5 years? 10 years? Be more a part of her life if I continue to ask nothing of him and let him come and go as he pleases? But is that fair to DD? That doesn't seem like I'm advocating for my child. It feels low and somewhat humiliating to me. Neither of us planned the baby. Should I just let him be the guest star in all of this? Maybe that'd be better for her? Hard to say. Tough choices.

OP, you're spending a lot of time telling him what you want and asking him what he wants. His actions over time have already said that quite clearly. He's made it pretty clear that he doesn't want any responsibility. You've given him plenty of chances to step up and try to be the kind of Dad you want him to be for your DD, but it's clear that he doesn't want to do that. It is what it is. No amount of strategizing and manipulating is going to change that.

In retrospect, I spent a lot of time cajoling and encouraging my children's father to be present for them. But the reality is that it's not what he was interested in. Half in, half out, unreliable is almost as painful as not there at all. And, as a result, my children have missed out on a life that I could have built with another more stable person perhaps. They have missed the modeling that comes from having an intact family with two parents, even when that second parent is a step-parent. In retrospect, I can't really say it was the better choice to try to cajole someone into being their father in a way that I wanted that he simply didn't.

Accept what he is telling you. Have your lawyer draft an agreement giving you full custody -- both legal and physical. Include some language about visitation that makes you comfortable (once a month on X day or by consensual agreement). Send or present it to him with a written cover sheet that the agreement is drafted based on the level of interaction he has expressed a preference for. Ask the dad to sign. If he brings up child support, be prepared in advance to offer this (or not) as an inducement to sign. If he refuse to sign, then you have no choice but to file.

But, just having endless discussions about what he wants is going to go nowhere. He has told you repeatedly in words and action what he is prepared to do. Just accept it.

You will have to teach your child that his lack of presence isn't a reflection of her worthiness. It is a reflection of his own brokenness and immaturity. Create a life where plenty of other people love her, are present regularly and that she knows will be there to care for her, whether those people are friends, relatives or neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much, above poster. I'm clearly grieving the loss of what I wanted for my child (and maybe for myself, if I'm being honest). I appreciate your kind words.

[Anonymous]

OP do you think there is a chance he has something to hide from the courts, like a long long history of unpaid taxes or convictions for something he thinks my jeopardize custody, that he doesn't want you to know about? His evasiom seems really to suggest that kind of thing. Maybe if you carefully spell out (if you haven't already) how signing your papers avoids all involvement of the authorities, he will do it.

[Anonymous]

I think his aversion is really ego. He knows that he should be present more and contribute, but doesn't really want the responsibility. He is also probably thinking about 20 years from now having a grown daughter who can say that he signed over his parental rights. Currently, he is able to shirk responsibility and be present when it's convenient. Why on Earth would he want to change that? Also, losing sole/physical custody comes with judgment. He can lie enough to himself about his role as a parent, justify his absence because he travels for work. He didn't respond to the emails so that you wouldn't have anything in writing from him on the subject.

I have a child with my ex. He's reliable as a parent, but stopped contributing financially years ago. I enabled it because he was active, but it has caused me to make sacrifices to provide as a result. I'm filing for CS and a formal custody arrangement this year. As the years pass, I'm learning that operating in the "gray" has lead to frustration on my end whenever he decides to be difficult. I travel overseas for work and have brought our child along during longterm assignments. We have had informal agreements, 40% of which he has initiated, only for him to not honor his word. I am at the point where I just need clarity and closure. I've avoided court for too long so as not to piss him off. I plan on marrying within the next few years and it's occurred to me that it will be easier getting this stuff squared away before its further complicated with a spouse in the picture. OP, you are definitely doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

You are pissed off at him because you can't control him. I hope that you do not do what you are planning as you as to do will end up in a horrendous mess. Never bother trouble until trouble bothers you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are pissed off at him because you can't control him. I hope that you do not do what you are planning as you as to do will end up in a horrendous mess. Never bother trouble until trouble bothers you.

See I completely disagree. OP is really too easy on him. Not having a formal custody arrangement is problematic. She should have set that up years ago when she arranged for care for her DD in the event she died. Honestly, her ex doesn't really have a leg to stand on and will likely end up paying for support and NOT using whatever minimal visitation the court awards him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are pissed off at him because you can't control him. I hope that you do not do what you are planning as you as to do will end up in a horrendous mess. Never bother trouble until trouble bothers you.

See I completely disagree. OP is really too easy on him. Not having a formal custody arrangement is problematic. She should have set that up years ago when she arranged for care for her DD in the event she died. Honestly, her ex doesn't really have a leg to stand on and will likely end up paying for support and NOT using whatever minimal visitation the court awards him.

Seems like the child will lose out the most here based on OP's prior statements that the visits generally go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are pissed off at him because you can't control him. I hope that you do not do what you are planning as you as to do will end up in a horrendous mess. Never bother trouble until trouble bothers you.

See I completely disagree. OP is really too easy on him. Not having a formal custody arrangement is problematic. She should have set that up years ago when she arranged for care for her DD in the event she died. Honestly, her ex doesn't really have a leg to stand on and will likely end up paying for support and NOT using whatever minimal visitation the court awards him.

Seems like the child will lose out the most here based on OP's prior statements that the visits generally go well.

Except he doesn't actually show up! That is the issue. Op need consistency and needs to protect the child from the whims of an unreliable parent who will inevitable break that child's heart once she realizes what a flake he is. Can't you see this?!?!?