Will likely have to serve ex w/custody papers. Help me stay calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Personally I'd leave it alone. You do not want child support and he's not really involved. The only reason why I could see you needing it is to get her a passport or another reason that requires two parent consent.

If his name is not on the birth certificate then she won't need him to get a birth certificate. My child's father isn't on the birth certificate and I was able to get a passport for her last year with no problems.

[Anonymous]

Do you have someone in his family you can talk to about this? If you have a good relationship with one of his parents or siblings, they might be able to intercede here and smooth things along. Especially if you can frame this as protecting DC while he is out of the country, and find a way for him to save face. Reading between the lines, it sounds like he is not that interested in parenting, but does not want to feel bad about himself. So, what is wrong with a document that says you have sole decision making authority in emergencies or if he is unavailable or out of the country, but does not cut him out completely? And making your mom is the guardian if you are incapacitated and he is unable to step in? It sounds like he wouldn't step in anyway.

I don't see why you would project as to potential problems 5 years down the road. If he gets married and wants to be more involved with DC, that's probably good for her, right?

And I don't see why you wouldn't first ask him to meet at your lawyer's office at xx time on xx day to sign the papers attached to the email for his review. Or tell him that you will have a notary at your house to witness his signature when he picks DD up.

I see your goal, and agree it's a good one. But this should be doable with a much softer touch.

[Anonymous]

OP back with an update; I appreciate your kind thoughts on these updates (it's lengthy, so the TLDR is below).

I tabled custody issues over the holidays; this wasn't a discussion I wanted to have during that time and I wanted to let ex visit DD without these issues on the forefront. He saw her once, then flew to California to spend NYE with friends, and returned overseas shortly thereafter. It was disappointing that he didn't see her more than once, but it's what I've come to expect. I emailed him to revisit the discussion in January, then February. No response. Then, his plans seemed to change. He abruptly returned to the US, and just as quickly was gone again. Sometimes stateside, sometimes not. (He's not military, fwiw). I began to have doubts about him being where he said he was, and it didn't matter anyway...he'd update me with his whereabouts over text but never in the context of wanting to see DD. Frankly it was irritating, as his whereabouts are none of my business except as it relates to our child. If it's not in the context of seeing her, I really don't need to know. Finally, he visited DD in late Feb and I sat him down and asked about all the emails I'd sent. What where his thoughts? Could we work out a custody agreement together? Did he want to share custody? What are his wishes? And why didn't he answer any of my emails?

"I didn't think they needed a response", was his reply. Regarding the agreement, he wants nothing to do with it. Doesn't want to sign anything, doesn't see the need for it. Doesn't wish to have any increased responsibility for DD. Asked if I'd absolve him of child support. "Are you saying you want to give up your parental rights?", I asked. (Of note, I don't want this. I don't think it's best for DD. He's not a substance abuser nor violent). He said he doesn't want that. "So what do you want?", I asked. He just stared at me.

Turns out he's moved back to the US. Was he always overseas? I really don't know at this point, and it doesn't matter. I asked directly how long he'd be back in the US, what his plans are. Was he with the same company? When would he know anything else? He refused to give me any details. It's obvious he wants no further responsibility, and has no interest in communicating with me in a transparent way. But I guess wants to still see DD every 1-2 mos? Every 3 mos? Hard to say.

So, we ended up where I thought we would. My attorney has drafted the custody pleading. She is adamant that I pursue child support. I'm pretty sure if CS is involved this is going to get ugly.

What I want is peace from this instability. Not just for now, but for good. If he comes and goes, it is what it is. But I feel the legal protection and finality of a custody order will allow me to close this chapter. I am comfortable financially, and my family helps us a great deal. I believe in all sincerity that the amount of CS he could provide (if he even pays it, which I doubt), will not be worth the cost of pursuing it. I need healthy boundaries around DD and I, especially given the fact that she's almost four and he's never softened. Never become nicer, or more functional. But the attorney feels this is a big mistake, and says a judge may order it anyway. I'm actually OK if a judge orders it...it's out of my hands at that point. But pursuing it personally I feel sets the stage for a lifetime of conflict for us. Still, my attorney knows more than I do and I don't want to do something stupid.

TLDR: I have to serve the ex. Atty says ask for CS. We don't need it, and I'm pretty sure ex will dig his heels in if money is involved. I can't make him the father I wish he was, and have accepted that. I want to finalize custody and be done.

Thanks for reading.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP. You are doing well in a tough situation.

If you are doing fine without child support and do get it, put it in your kid's 529. Consider it a bonus thing, especially if he doesn't pay on time.

[Anonymous]

Look, pursue the child support. It won't cost more to pursue it now, and get it withdrawn from his check now than it will cost for the custody stuff (at least not by much). You never have to get it adjusted, and if he stops paying you don't have to pursue it.

He might be mad about the custody thing, and the support thing, but he'll get over it. Maybe he'll step up and see her one weekend a month or something (unlikely, but you should probably appear open to the idea in case he asks for that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am currently a single mom with a terrific 3 yr old. She was an unplanned, but welcome gift; her dad and I dated for a year and had ended our relationship when I learned I was pregnant. I wanted the child, he waffled significantly (asked that I get an abortion, then asked me to have the child and marry him, etc.). I elected not to file for child support; I am very comfortable financially and told him that I valued his involvement more than money; he stated he wanted to be involved and we agreed that we would reevaluate CS at some later time.

Fast forward 3 years. He's almost completely uninolved. While this is disappointing, it's not surprising. I was aware when I made the decision to have a child as a single woman that this was possible. I have a big extended family who is very involved with her, and I've maintained good relationships with his family as well. DD has lots of adults who love her, including uncles, grandpas, and male cousins. It's not perfect, but I'm doing the best I can.

He recently took a job overseas and plans to stay there for another year and a half. I've kept our situation out of court because I always hoped we could work together. But I don't feel that the absence of a formal custody agreement makes sense anymore. With two parents living on separate continents, I need to be able to make her legal decisions without his input. He skypes with her once every 1-2 mos, emails me minimally. Is largely unresponsive when I contact him. So I don't feel comfortable sharing legal custody. Additionally, we need a guardianship agreement if I die or become injured. My parents are young, healthy, and involved. He agreed when we skyped that they are a good choice for custody if something happens to me, and that he doesn't want that responsibility.



But now he's ignoring the conversation again. Won't return emails, etc. My attorney has let me know that we just need to serve him with papers via a process server when he's visiting her here for the holidays. I realize this is what's necessary but am worried about the expense and aggression of opening up this line of actions. It's making me pretty anxious.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I would leave him alone, and get him to sign off on her. You're going down a dangerous road and it will all likely backfire at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am currently a single mom with a terrific 3 yr old. She was an unplanned, but welcome gift; her dad and I dated for a year and had ended our relationship when I learned I was pregnant. I wanted the child, he waffled significantly (asked that I get an abortion, then asked me to have the child and marry him, etc.). I elected not to file for child support; I am very comfortable financially and told him that I valued his involvement more than money; he stated he wanted to be involved and we agreed that we would reevaluate CS at some later time.

Fast forward 3 years. He's almost completely uninolved. While this is disappointing, it's not surprising. I was aware when I made the decision to have a child as a single woman that this was possible. I have a big extended family who is very involved with her, and I've maintained good relationships with his family as well. DD has lots of adults who love her, including uncles, grandpas, and male cousins. It's not perfect, but I'm doing the best I can.

He recently took a job overseas and plans to stay there for another year and a half. I've kept our situation out of court because I always hoped we could work together. But I don't feel that the absence of a formal custody agreement makes sense anymore. With two parents living on separate continents, I need to be able to make her legal decisions without his input. He skypes with her once every 1-2 mos, emails me minimally. Is largely unresponsive when I contact him. So I don't feel comfortable sharing legal custody. Additionally, we need a guardianship agreement if I die or become injured. My parents are young, healthy, and involved. He agreed when we skyped that they are a good choice for custody if something happens to me, and that he doesn't want that responsibility.

But now he's ignoring the conversation again. Won't return emails, etc. My attorney has let me know that we just need to serve him with papers via a process server when he's visiting her here for the holidays. I realize this is what's necessary but am worried about the expense and aggression of opening up this line of actions. It's making me pretty anxious.

Thanks for your thoughts.

You're an idiot for not drawing up papers from the start. Total idiot. The money is the least of it

[Anonymous]

So we are clear, single Mom here, it is VERY rare to get sole legal custody. If you have asked him to sign away rights and he hasn't then he may fight you. A judge may find it in poor taste for serving custody papers while he is away when you had ample opportunity to do this earlier.

[Anonymous]

I disagree PP. She has been trying for months to get on the same page with the man and he has refused to do anything.

OP, what I am going to recommend is a two pronged approach. First, yes, custody. I would seek a formal custody arrangement and while sole legal might be difficult, I can see the case for sole physical. Second, I would definitely include child support. OP you might end up in my situation and be awarded back support. I was awarded nearly 300K which was crazy -- I used that to negotiate sole physical/legal custody with an agreement to visitation when my ex wanted (read never).

[Anonymous]

Ask for child support, if for no other reason than that you can offer to give it up in exchange for what you really want, which is full custody. If you don't ask for it, you don't have that bargaining chip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask for child support, if for no other reason than that you can offer to give it up in exchange for what you really want, which is full custody. If you don't ask for it, you don't have that bargaining chip.

That's not really true since she can amend the pleadings to file for it so she can still use it as a bargaining chip. It's actually less of a bargaining chip once she actually files for it since it's then at the judge's discretion.

OP is in a unusual situation in that bio dad isn't very interested in visitation whereas OP wants to encourage that relationship. It seems like if she upsets the guy he might pull back on the visitation. Maybe OP will decide she'd rather him not visit and, if so, then not a big deal.

Just seems like the possible consequences outweigh any benefits here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally I'd leave it alone. You do not want child support and he's not really involved. The only reason why I could see you needing it is to get her a passport or another reason that requires two parent consent.

If his name is not on the birth certificate then she won't need him to get a birth certificate. My child's father isn't on the birth certificate and I was able to get a passport for her last year with no problems.

If a father isn't named or doesn't come forward within a specific amount of time he won't be the legal father ever. Meaning no rights etc. and the mother will be the only legal parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it you are wanting the court to do? Grant you full custodial rights? Why don't you just tell him you're doing this so it doesn't appear like a sudden, hostile act. Couldn't you just give him some papers to sign since he's in agreement with you?

+1

Don't take this to court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it you are wanting the court to do? Grant you full custodial rights? Why don't you just tell him you're doing this so it doesn't appear like a sudden, hostile act. Couldn't you just give him some papers to sign since he's in agreement with you?

+1

Don't take this to court.

Did you read the update? He isn't going to sign anything. He's happy because he has zero accountability, but still can push the level of being a "parent" without paying a cent of child support or actually seeing his kid. It's screwy.

OP, I would try to formalize things. I would also stop talking outside of email and hard copy letters. I would also use the grandparents to get information about where he is so you can serve custody papers on him. I would also file for sole physical and legal custody and seek support including back support. If he balks at having to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars, you can offer to settle and just take the custody and leave the money out of it. If he is as cheap as you say, he will likely opt for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it you are wanting the court to do? Grant you full custodial rights? Why don't you just tell him you're doing this so it doesn't appear like a sudden, hostile act. Couldn't you just give him some papers to sign since he's in agreement with you?

+1

Don't take this to court.

Did you read the update? He isn't going to sign anything. He's happy because he has zero accountability, but still can push the level of being a "parent" without paying a cent of child support or actually seeing his kid. It's screwy.

OP, I would try to formalize things. I would also stop talking outside of email and hard copy letters. I would also use the grandparents to get information about where he is so you can serve custody papers on him. I would also file for sole physical and legal custody and seek support including back support. If he balks at having to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars, you can offer to settle and just take the custody and leave the money out of it. If he is as cheap as you say, he will likely opt for this.

What jurisdiction are you in that allows one to collect support prior to the date of filing the petition? The only time I'm aware of this happening is in DCSE cases where the CP is receiving welfare benefits and the state recoups them.