Reply to Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes. [/quote]

OP here, when did your husband tell you about the abuse?
My fiance' was abused by his father as well, technically his stepfather, but he pretty much adopted him, his bio dad died when he was 4 and stepdad has been in his life since he was 6, so he raised him. My fiance' always went on about what a great dad he was, and now knowing what I know. I don't understand how he can think that.
Like you I'm upset with his mother as well, the abuse went on for years, and I just don't believe she didn't know anything. I suppose she could have been fooled, I don't have kids yet, but you think you would notice something like that going on in your own home. Just thinking about how she fawns over this man now makes me sick.

Which is funny because I used to love that they were still " so in love" after  30 years together.
How do you cope? How do you handle having to  be around your DH's side of the family?[/quote]

PP here. It's tough, I won't lie to you. DH told me less than a month in to our relationship about the abuse. He'd been in therapy for years and was and is very open about it. He wanted me to know before we got too in too deep. He was worried for a long time that I'd think he would abuse our children, but he is so wonderful with them and so protective.

I'm glad his dad is dead. As to your situation, I can't imagine having to interact with him at holidays. My DH has a somewhat rosy memory of better times with his dad, but his dad was also an alcoholic and physically and emotionally abusive. It is only because of years of therapy that my husband has emerged as the successful, compassionate, smart, and kind man that I know. If you fiance hasn't been in therapy, I'd be very cautious about setting a wedding date. I would also insist that he go to couples counseling with you--we have spent some time there and it's invaluable.

Like I said, the situation is very, very difficult. I don't regret marrying my husband after all these years, but we don't live anywhere near his family and never will. I just don't trust them. [/quote]

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