Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We came to the very brink of divorce, but seeing my (figuratively speaking) "tail lights in the driveway" was exactly the wakeup call she needed to "find" her lost libido.
Yes, I would have gone through with it.
Life is too short for forced celibacy.

Same with me. Happened about 5 yrs ago now.
I'm happy and not happy though.
Before : Sex every few months. She would orgasm with PIV nearly every time. I'm certain they were not faked.
After : Sex 1x weekly. She's never had a PIV orgasm in 5 yrs. It now has to be oral etc. Her orgasms still turn me on, but I miss the PIV ones. It's screwed up my mind to the point of affecting my erections. I'm thinking I've been mostly getting mercy fucks.
Moral of Story : It's best if you find someone that matches your Libido from the get go.

The problem is that often the libidos are compatible until the kids come along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Huh? As a divorce attorney, let me assure you lack of a sexual connection is among the top reasons for divorce.

You missed the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.

Unilaterally refusing to discuss or work on ANY issue in a marriage is going to cause a problem. All these people complaining about sexless marriages just never seem to want to talk about WHY they aren't having sex. It's ALL about their deprivation, not what is going on in the other person's head. And the problems are all reduced to being 110% about lack of sex. No wonder their marriages are failing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.

Unilaterally refusing to discuss or work on ANY issue in a marriage is going to cause a problem. All these people complaining about sexless marriages just never seem to want to talk about WHY they aren't having sex. It's ALL about their deprivation, not what is going on in the other person's head. And the problems are all reduced to being 110% about lack of sex. No wonder their marriages are failing!

Exactly. It's so childish and absurd.

It's like they have a fantasy vision of what marriage is supposed to be (which apparently means swinging from chandeliers every day) and they angry when they don't get that.

No thoughts are given to WHY sex isn't happening, or how to fix that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few frieinds who were essentially either in sexless marriages or in marriages where the wife had sex once a month or so to appease the husband. In all cases, the wives were nursing some major resentment in other areas of the marriage. I can say that my husband and I did not have sex for a one year period of time following the birth of our first child. We both work, but he does minimal housework, minimal cleaning up even after himself. Of the two, i have the more demanding job and longer hours, yet i was easily doing 80 or 90 percent of the housework. Yet, when we would quarrel about it, he would say that he was doing just as much as me, or if it was a really obvious week where he couldn't try to say that, he'd cause me of keeping score. We'd have these quarrels and i'd feel like every complaint was turned against me. So yeah, we went a year with almost no sex. It wasn't just that i was resentful, ti was that there's nothing attractive about someone treating me like that.

I wanted to share this because, to the DS upthread who is talking about the year without sex and how he's no longer interested in hearing about her life or helping her, there could be things on the other side that are causing her lack of libido. Are you a full partner? Is she resentful or feeling some injustice in your relationship? Do you put her down, or leave her to do more housework? the way you said that you see her lack of sex as a violation of her vows to you makes me think maybe you're controlling or a shamer. I mean, I don't know you, so i'm not trying to put you down or anything, but i just want to point out that it really does seem rare that when there's a lack of sex that that is the ONLY thing going on...

I will say my DH and I reconnected after that hard year. We both decided to put our all into the relationship again. He started really making an effort with doing his share and just being nicer to me. It wasn't instant libido again, but i faked it until i made it and now we're having good sex a few times a week again.

I am the PP; and I don't tell her that it a violation of our vows to shame her or to put her down - I tell her that because that is what I believe. Why take vows in a front of a church full of people ? I do not believe that sex in a marriage should be transactional. Sure, life can be hard and it is in those times that you need to nurture and nourish each other. Not keep track of who took out the garbage.

What you prescribe becomes a self perpetuating cycle of negative reinforcement. He didn't take out the garbage so I am going to withhold affection. He says well she's cold so I am not going to take her to that nice dinner or watch the kids so she can a have a night out. How's that supposed to work. Keeping score is not the answer - genuine affection is. You need to act like you are the most important things in each other' lives.

And the way you put this down shows that PP is likely right. Of course getting into a situation where 'he didn't take the garbage out so I'm going to withhold sex' is a bad and harmful cycle. But to disregard how someone feels when her spouse repeatedly seems to put her out to dry and expect her to take on the lion's share of housework AND to be available whenever her DH wants it is just as much a message of 'you are not the most important thing to me' as her withholding sex is to him. Keeping nitpicky score is always bad but when the scales are weighted completely in one person's favor, its hard not to notice. And if she tells you this and you do nothing but still complain about the lack of sex, then you are just as complicit in the relationship's failure as she is. BOTH of you need to act like the other person is most important and that means prioritizing not JUST what is important to YOU but also what is important to THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.

Unilaterally refusing to discuss or work on ANY issue in a marriage is going to cause a problem. All these people complaining about sexless marriages just never seem to want to talk about WHY they aren't having sex. It's ALL about their deprivation, not what is going on in the other person's head. And the problems are all reduced to being 110% about lack of sex. No wonder their marriages are failing!

I don't think you have ever been in this situation, have you? The typical pattern, repeated often it seems to me, is that the spouse who would like more sex generally speaking does ask WHY they aren't having sex, and the non-interested spouse resists conversation, and when pressed answers commonly given are some combination of "I don't know"; "It's not you, it's me"; or particular complaints that, when addressed, don't actually result in more sex -- this last scenario often repeats itself. I think you should not be so judgmental, if you haven't been on the other side of this issue, you probably don't understand how painful it can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.

Unilaterally refusing to discuss or work on ANY issue in a marriage is going to cause a problem. All these people complaining about sexless marriages just never seem to want to talk about WHY they aren't having sex. It's ALL about their deprivation, not what is going on in the other person's head. And the problems are all reduced to being 110% about lack of sex. No wonder their marriages are failing!

I don't think you have ever been in this situation, have you? The typical pattern, repeated often it seems to me, is that the spouse who would like more sex generally speaking does ask WHY they aren't having sex, and the non-interested spouse resists conversation, and when pressed answers commonly given are some combination of "I don't know"; "It's not you, it's me"; or particular complaints that, when addressed, don't actually result in more sex -- this last scenario often repeats itself. I think you should not be so judgmental, if you haven't been on the other side of this issue, you probably don't understand how painful it can be.

I'm agreeing that a scenario where one spouse unilaterally withholds affection is screwed up. I am just doubting that that is TRULY the case in a lot of these situations. When partner a is mad at partner b for having too little sex and they bring it up it doesn't sound to me (from the way I hear about here) that partner a asks things like 'hey I notice we aren't as affectionate as we used to be and there seems to be distance growing in the marriage. what's up? lets talk it out.' It sounds like partner a says, 'you aren't meeting my sexual needs, we need to work on that.' If partner b is not into it because of a whole host of other relationship issues than that approach isn't going to get them to open up and talk about it. The tone of I-don't-get-enough-sex spouses on DCUM seems to me to be a very selfish one. They don't talk about the broader scope of the marriage generally, they don't talk about their spouse's feelings, they don't speculate on what could have dropped the spouses' interest, they talk about the libido differential and how its unfair.

I'm not saying that being rejected by a spouse isn't extraordinarily painful. I think it absolutely must be. And I think if it happens than evaluating the entire marriage as the living breathing thing it is and not focusing on the fact that you didn't get your rocks off that one night is more productive. And if it turns out you DID marry someone who is just either a) a total ahole who is withholding on purpose or b) had a legitimate physical drop in libido that they cannot change, then discussing and executing a divorce seems like a practical, if painful, solution. Sitting around whining about it all day and night on a message board (which is what feels like 50% of this forum is) seems both counter productive AND self indulgent (to me).

[Anonymous]

16:14, do you really, in all honesty, think that the way posters are discussing their needs not being met in their sexless marriages on an anonymous message board is the same way they discuss it with their spouses?

I'm not in a sexless marriage. However, in the last 2 years, we've gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe 1 time every 1-2 weeks. You think I haven't talked to DH about it? You think I meet him at the door when he gets home from work demanding to know why my sexual needs aren't met? I make his favorite meals, I dress nicely, I make sure the kids aren't over the top... I try to make his coming home as peaceful and relaxing as possible. When I try to discuss this topic with him I do the same. I talk about spending more time together, being more connected and intimate, don't accuse...

When I come here to vent, I'm just venting. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of putting forth so much effort at home and getting nothing for it. So when I come here to complain about how he didnt even want sex the last two days before he left for a 2 week business trip, I'm not interested in sugar coating it to protect his precious feelings. Not that he'd even read a sex/relationship board anyway.

And his answer is always that he's stressed at work, tired, or has a headache, for the record. It's never me. It's always him. How do I fix that? How do I work to improve that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:14, do you really, in all honesty, think that the way posters are discussing their needs not being met in their sexless marriages on an anonymous message board is the same way they discuss it with their spouses?

I'm not in a sexless marriage. However, in the last 2 years, we've gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe 1 time every 1-2 weeks. You think I haven't talked to DH about it? You think I meet him at the door when he gets home from work demanding to know why my sexual needs aren't met? I make his favorite meals, I dress nicely, I make sure the kids aren't over the top... I try to make his coming home as peaceful and relaxing as possible. When I try to discuss this topic with him I do the same. I talk about spending more time together, being more connected and intimate, don't accuse...

When I come here to vent, I'm just venting. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of putting forth so much effort at home and getting nothing for it. So when I come here to complain about how he didnt even want sex the last two days before he left for a 2 week business trip, I'm not interested in sugar coating it to protect his precious feelings. Not that he'd even read a sex/relationship board anyway.

And his answer is always that he's stressed at work, tired, or has a headache, for the record. It's never me. It's always him. How do I fix that? How do I work to improve that?

Frankly it sounds like either something fishy is happening there or that you are in the unfortunate situation of being in that second group where you are married to someone who's libido has decreased significantly when yours has not (which I imagine is an exceptionally painful and difficult conundrum for sure). If your DH isn't willing to work with you or go to counseling or see a doctor about ED or something than you'd be in the group of people I would think would be contemplating separation or divorce.

The way most people post about this topic here, it doesn't seem to me like the level of discourse you are describing happens in their homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:14, do you really, in all honesty, think that the way posters are discussing their needs not being met in their sexless marriages on an anonymous message board is the same way they discuss it with their spouses?

I'm not in a sexless marriage. However, in the last 2 years, we've gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe 1 time every 1-2 weeks. You think I haven't talked to DH about it? You think I meet him at the door when he gets home from work demanding to know why my sexual needs aren't met? I make his favorite meals, I dress nicely, I make sure the kids aren't over the top... I try to make his coming home as peaceful and relaxing as possible. When I try to discuss this topic with him I do the same. I talk about spending more time together, being more connected and intimate, don't accuse...

When I come here to vent, I'm just venting. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of putting forth so much effort at home and getting nothing for it. So when I come here to complain about how he didnt even want sex the last two days before he left for a 2 week business trip, I'm not interested in sugar coating it to protect his precious feelings. Not that he'd even read a sex/relationship board anyway.

And his answer is always that he's stressed at work, tired, or has a headache, for the record. It's never me. It's always him. How do I fix that? How do I work to improve that?

I have a feeling he won't be alone on that trip...that's not natural male behavior unless there is interest somewhere else...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems to be a major theme on DCUM and in real life that in many marriages there are different sex drives. Has anyone divorced solely because of the diifferent sex drives? Or was it just a sign of a larger problem? Did you have kids?

Seems like it's mostly the men complaining about the women on here. I am in the opposite situation where he withholds sex, never initiates, does not want to proceed etc. I feel like I should probably care more than I do, but I am pretty dead to everything he does at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.

Unilaterally refusing to discuss or work on ANY issue in a marriage is going to cause a problem. All these people complaining about sexless marriages just never seem to want to talk about WHY they aren't having sex. It's ALL about their deprivation, not what is going on in the other person's head. And the problems are all reduced to being 110% about lack of sex. No wonder their marriages are failing!

I don't think you have ever been in this situation, have you? The typical pattern, repeated often it seems to me, is that the spouse who would like more sex generally speaking does ask WHY they aren't having sex, and the non-interested spouse resists conversation, and when pressed answers commonly given are some combination of "I don't know"; "It's not you, it's me"; or particular complaints that, when addressed, don't actually result in more sex -- this last scenario often repeats itself. I think you should not be so judgmental, if you haven't been on the other side of this issue, you probably don't understand how painful it can be.

Exactly. PP is talking out her ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:14, do you really, in all honesty, think that the way posters are discussing their needs not being met in their sexless marriages on an anonymous message board is the same way they discuss it with their spouses?

I'm not in a sexless marriage. However, in the last 2 years, we've gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe 1 time every 1-2 weeks. You think I haven't talked to DH about it? You think I meet him at the door when he gets home from work demanding to know why my sexual needs aren't met? I make his favorite meals, I dress nicely, I make sure the kids aren't over the top... I try to make his coming home as peaceful and relaxing as possible. When I try to discuss this topic with him I do the same. I talk about spending more time together, being more connected and intimate, don't accuse...

When I come here to vent, I'm just venting. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of putting forth so much effort at home and getting nothing for it. So when I come here to complain about how he didnt even want sex the last two days before he left for a 2 week business trip, I'm not interested in sugar coating it to protect his precious feelings. Not that he'd even read a sex/relationship board anyway.

And his answer is always that he's stressed at work, tired, or has a headache, for the record. It's never me. It's always him. How do I fix that? How do I work to improve that?

I have a feeling he won't be alone on that trip...that's not natural male behavior unless there is interest somewhere else...

I'm not even going to get into the whole is he cheating debate. He's only gone some of the time. I can't imagine if he's getting any on the side while traveling that it would be enough to satisfy him when he's home. I know he's not cheating when he's home. Wouldn't he still need sex between trips? He always comes home wanting me the first day or two, then nothing for a week or more. I'm leaning toward libido issues. Maybe low t. He won't get it checked though.

[Anonymous]

Married Male for over 30 yrs.

Some of you don't think I tried communicating a million times with my low libido wife !!!!!!!!!!

She doesn't put the blame on anything, never has. She has never once , ever, ever, told me why she won't have sex with me. Never once gave an explanation, just simply said no. End of story. No conversation about it AT. All. She agreed to go to a sex therapist with me years ago. First time there and the Therapists realized she needed some extra attention. She went one time solo and then refused to ever go back.


I come here to vent. Others come here to vent. Leave us poor SOBs alone and let us vent. Many of you have NO fricken idea how hard it is on us. Some of us need to vent or "whine" as you say. Many of us are not going to divorce our SO over lack of sex only. If there were other things going on, then yes, I would divorce her. Meanwhile, please let me vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:16:14, do you really, in all honesty, think that the way posters are discussing their needs not being met in their sexless marriages on an anonymous message board is the same way they discuss it with their spouses?

I'm not in a sexless marriage. However, in the last 2 years, we've gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe 1 time every 1-2 weeks. You think I haven't talked to DH about it? You think I meet him at the door when he gets home from work demanding to know why my sexual needs aren't met? I make his favorite meals, I dress nicely, I make sure the kids aren't over the top... I try to make his coming home as peaceful and relaxing as possible. When I try to discuss this topic with him I do the same. I talk about spending more time together, being more connected and intimate, don't accuse...

When I come here to vent, I'm just venting. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of putting forth so much effort at home and getting nothing for it. So when I come here to complain about how he didnt even want sex the last two days before he left for a 2 week business trip, I'm not interested in sugar coating it to protect his precious feelings. Not that he'd even read a sex/relationship board anyway.

And his answer is always that he's stressed at work, tired, or has a headache, for the record. It's never me. It's always him. How do I fix that? How do I work to improve that?

I have a feeling he won't be alone on that trip...that's not natural male behavior unless there is interest somewhere else...

I'm not even going to get into the whole is he cheating debate. He's only gone some of the time. I can't imagine if he's getting any on the side while traveling that it would be enough to satisfy him when he's home. I know he's not cheating when he's home. Wouldn't he still need sex between trips? He always comes home wanting me the first day or two, then nothing for a week or more. I'm leaning toward libido issues. Maybe low t. He won't get it checked though.

Idk...I've been the mistress before that traveled with him and also they tend to be "faithful" to their AP....they just enough to keep things as status quo as possible to not tip the wife off....either way for men it's not *typically* low libido...it's something else...no attraction, resentment, AP....something....