Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not divorced but think of it daily. Logistics make it tough so playing the waiting game. Have not had sex in five years. I have asked to go to counseling but she refuses. Minimizes impact - tells me that I make a big deal out of not having sex. So, as others have suggested I am working on myself. Will likely start to go see someone (counseling) by myself just to deal with resulting anger issues.

I know I have stopped being a nurturing spouse. She will want to talk about her day, vent about work, have me help her get her car serviced and frankly I couldn't give a shit at this point. But I cannot say that I have divorced but I will not choice to live the rest of my life this way and I am making financial and personal plans to ensure separation.

I have told her that I view the withholding of all physical affection as a violation of her vows. It doesn't seem to sink in; when I tell her we need to go to counseling in order to avoid divorce it doesn't sink in; in our marriage she has often refused to discuss things so that she can say "we never talked about that" but in my kinder moments perhaps she is just wired differently, that we both need to recognize that, and plan accordingly.

I need to be careful though because I do find I get very angry and need to watch my tongue in front of the kids.

In my case it is the nastiest form of passive aggressive behavior I have ever experienced. And I think she will be genuinely surprised and saddened when I file but that's not a marriage. Well, then again, I realize now that for alot of women, marriage is a financial contract.

Oh my god. I need to show this to my husband, who turns into a jerk after 2 weeks. Five years? Nothing? I hear people throw around the term "sexless marriage" but I had no idea people actually went this long. What does she say? Does she give a reason or has she been saying she's not in the mood for five years? Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm shocked by this. That is not a marriage. Is there any intimacy or affection at all? Do you cuddle or spoon at all? I hope you guys find some sort of solution. You shouldn't have to be in a marriage with that sort of refusal.

No you do not need to show this to your husband. Just because one marriage has a five year period without sex doesn't mean that your marriage is fine because the frequency isn't as bad as PP. If your husband says two weeks is his max, believe him. Every marriage is different and your husband has already opened up discussions for the lack of frequency he will tolerate.

Go away.

Most likely, he will.

We can only hope...

[Anonymous]

I know a few frieinds who were essentially either in sexless marriages or in marriages where the wife had sex once a month or so to appease the husband. In all cases, the wives were nursing some major resentment in other areas of the marriage. I can say that my husband and I did not have sex for a one year period of time following the birth of our first child. We both work, but he does minimal housework, minimal cleaning up even after himself. Of the two, i have the more demanding job and longer hours, yet i was easily doing 80 or 90 percent of the housework. Yet, when we would quarrel about it, he would say that he was doing just as much as me, or if it was a really obvious week where he couldn't try to say that, he'd cause me of keeping score. We'd have these quarrels and i'd feel like every complaint was turned against me. So yeah, we went a year with almost no sex. It wasn't just that i was resentful, ti was that there's nothing attractive about someone treating me like that.

I wanted to share this because, to the DS upthread who is talking about the year without sex and how he's no longer interested in hearing about her life or helping her, there could be things on the other side that are causing her lack of libido. Are you a full partner? Is she resentful or feeling some injustice in your relationship? Do you put her down, or leave her to do more housework? the way you said that you see her lack of sex as a violation of her vows to you makes me think maybe you're controlling or a shamer. I mean, I don't know you, so i'm not trying to put you down or anything, but i just want to point out that it really does seem rare that when there's a lack of sex that that is the ONLY thing going on...

I will say my DH and I reconnected after that hard year. We both decided to put our all into the relationship again. He started really making an effort with doing his share and just being nicer to me. It wasn't instant libido again, but i faked it until i made it and now we're having good sex a few times a week again.

[Anonymous]

Most people divorce because of the affair that resulted because of a lack of sex. See Ashley Madison, for example.

[Anonymous]

Why stay in a marriage without any physical relationship? Really, what's the point? DH and I have been married for 26 years with very busy lives and children and all that entails … hold hands all the time, peck each other on the cheek whenever we enter a room, sex three to four times a week … and yes, we actually like each other and get each other's jokes, etc. We are each other's best friend and I can't imagine not having DH in my life, and DH is the most wonderful caring father to our children, yes he finds the time for our family and for us, as I do. Is it easy, no … but it is a priority. If you are neglected by the very person who vows to love, honor and cherish you then get the HELL out and stop wasting your life! I have many family members and dear friends who are insanely jealous of my relationship and I give them the same advice. Stop whining and complaining and get out … you will figure it out, hopefully find the special someone who will cherish you and can't wait to hear your voice at the end of every day. Is everything fifty fifty always … NO … but that does not change my love and desire for my DH, we have too much history for a sink full of dishes or garbage duties to ruin us. Grow up to those who complain about feeling abused when it comes to chores and whatnot …. if those petty things add up to your choosing to deny yourself and your significant other physical attention then you need to move on, for your partner's sake and your children's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The truth hurts I guess.

More like entitled, misogynistic bullshit hurts. It's annoying to read and the stupidity hurts my brain.

PP here, I'm female, and not misogynistic at all! I'm not saying have sex whenever your husband desires. Just don't base an acceptable frequency for your marriage based on a random internet post. Base it off the needs and desires of the two people involved.

Furthermore, sex every 2 weeks is NOT a decent frequency, not one that I would ever be content with, and your H sounds pretty normal to be unhappy with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a few frieinds who were essentially either in sexless marriages or in marriages where the wife had sex once a month or so to appease the husband. In all cases, the wives were nursing some major resentment in other areas of the marriage. I can say that my husband and I did not have sex for a one year period of time following the birth of our first child. We both work, but he does minimal housework, minimal cleaning up even after himself. Of the two, i have the more demanding job and longer hours, yet i was easily doing 80 or 90 percent of the housework. Yet, when we would quarrel about it, he would say that he was doing just as much as me, or if it was a really obvious week where he couldn't try to say that, he'd cause me of keeping score. We'd have these quarrels and i'd feel like every complaint was turned against me. So yeah, we went a year with almost no sex. It wasn't just that i was resentful, ti was that there's nothing attractive about someone treating me like that.

I wanted to share this because, to the DS upthread who is talking about the year without sex and how he's no longer interested in hearing about her life or helping her, there could be things on the other side that are causing her lack of libido. Are you a full partner? Is she resentful or feeling some injustice in your relationship? Do you put her down, or leave her to do more housework? the way you said that you see her lack of sex as a violation of her vows to you makes me think maybe you're controlling or a shamer. I mean, I don't know you, so i'm not trying to put you down or anything, but i just want to point out that it really does seem rare that when there's a lack of sex that that is the ONLY thing going on...

I will say my DH and I reconnected after that hard year. We both decided to put our all into the relationship again. He started really making an effort with doing his share and just being nicer to me. It wasn't instant libido again, but i faked it until i made it and now we're having good sex a few times a week again.

I am the PP; and I don't tell her that it a violation of our vows to shame her or to put her down - I tell her that because that is what I believe. Why take vows in a front of a church full of people ? I do not believe that sex in a marriage should be transactional. Sure, life can be hard and it is in those times that you need to nurture and nourish each other. Not keep track of who took out the garbage.

What you prescribe becomes a self perpetuating cycle of negative reinforcement. He didn't take out the garbage so I am going to withhold affection. He says well she's cold so I am not going to take her to that nice dinner or watch the kids so she can a have a night out. How's that supposed to work. Keeping score is not the answer - genuine affection is. You need to act like you are the most important things in each other' lives.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes the resentment is the reason for no sex. Often, however, it seems that the resentments end up being a series of goal post shifting where there is always one more thing to be resentful about, no matter how much effort the higher sex partner puts in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not divorced but think of it daily. Logistics make it tough so playing the waiting game. Have not had sex in five years. I have asked to go to counseling but she refuses. Minimizes impact - tells me that I make a big deal out of not having sex. So, as others have suggested I am working on myself. Will likely start to go see someone (counseling) by myself just to deal with resulting anger issues.

I know I have stopped being a nurturing spouse. She will want to talk about her day, vent about work, have me help her get her car serviced and frankly I couldn't give a shit at this point. But I cannot say that I have divorced but I will not choice to live the rest of my life this way and I am making financial and personal plans to ensure separation.

I have told her that I view the withholding of all physical affection as a violation of her vows. It doesn't seem to sink in; when I tell her we need to go to counseling in order to avoid divorce it doesn't sink in; in our marriage she has often refused to discuss things so that she can say "we never talked about that" but in my kinder moments perhaps she is just wired differently, that we both need to recognize that, and plan accordingly.

I need to be careful though because I do find I get very angry and need to watch my tongue in front of the kids.

In my case it is the nastiest form of passive aggressive behavior I have ever experienced. And I think she will be genuinely surprised and saddened when I file but that's not a marriage. Well, then again, I realize now that for alot of women, marriage is a financial contract.

File already then

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The truth hurts I guess.

More like entitled, misogynistic bullshit hurts. It's annoying to read and the stupidity hurts my brain.

PP here, I'm female, and not misogynistic at all! I'm not saying have sex whenever your husband desires. Just don't base an acceptable frequency for your marriage based on a random internet post. Base it off the needs and desires of the two people involved.

Furthermore, sex every 2 weeks is NOT a decent frequency, not one that I would ever be content with, and your H sounds pretty normal to be unhappy with you.

The furthermore was added by a new poster.

[Anonymous]

The best book out there on this topic is: http://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825305675/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Not the most succinct guy, but the insights are brilliant in my view.

Sex is very psychological.

OP - my advice is to stop talking about the problem for now, just keep working on you, becoming more and more of the person you want to be. Eventually you can broach the topic again (maybe wait until you're prepared to leave if she is not receptive). If you keep working on you and she STILL refuses to engage you, then you'll be in the optimal position to find a better relationship when you do leave.
Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.

Huh? As a divorce attorney, let me assure you lack of a sexual connection is among the top reasons for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not divorced but think of it daily. Logistics make it tough so playing the waiting game. Have not had sex in five years. I have asked to go to counseling but she refuses. Minimizes impact - tells me that I make a big deal out of not having sex. So, as others have suggested I am working on myself. Will likely start to go see someone (counseling) by myself just to deal with resulting anger issues.

I know I have stopped being a nurturing spouse. She will want to talk about her day, vent about work, have me help her get her car serviced and frankly I couldn't give a shit at this point. But I cannot say that I have divorced but I will not choice to live the rest of my life this way and I am making financial and personal plans to ensure separation.

I have told her that I view the withholding of all physical affection as a violation of her vows. It doesn't seem to sink in; when I tell her we need to go to counseling in order to avoid divorce it doesn't sink in; in our marriage she has often refused to discuss things so that she can say "we never talked about that" but in my kinder moments perhaps she is just wired differently, that we both need to recognize that, and plan accordingly.

I need to be careful though because I do find I get very angry and need to watch my tongue in front of the kids.

In my case it is the nastiest form of passive aggressive behavior I have ever experienced. And I think she will be genuinely surprised and saddened when I file but that's not a marriage. Well, then again, I realize now that for alot of women, marriage is a financial contract.

Oh my god. I need to show this to my husband, who turns into a jerk after 2 weeks. Five years? Nothing? I hear people throw around the term "sexless marriage" but I had no idea people actually went this long. What does she say? Does she give a reason or has she been saying she's not in the mood for five years? Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm shocked by this. That is not a marriage. Is there any intimacy or affection at all? Do you cuddle or spoon at all? I hope you guys find some sort of solution. You shouldn't have to be in a marriage with that sort of refusal.

If it's "4x one week, no sex for 2 weeks, then 3x the next week, 2x the next, and no sex for a week" that's one thing. A guy who gets annoyed at the ebbs and flows is usually whining.

If it's "you only have sex because he keeps complaining and would be perfectly content without touching him again or only on date weekends" that's another thing entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We came to the very brink of divorce, but seeing my (figuratively speaking) "tail lights in the driveway" was exactly the wakeup call she needed to "find" her lost libido.
Yes, I would have gone through with it.
Life is too short for forced celibacy.

Same with me. Happened about 5 yrs ago now.
I'm happy and not happy though.
Before : Sex every few months. She would orgasm with PIV nearly every time. I'm certain they were not faked.
After : Sex 1x weekly. She's never had a PIV orgasm in 5 yrs. It now has to be oral etc. Her orgasms still turn me on, but I miss the PIV ones. It's screwed up my mind to the point of affecting my erections. I'm thinking I've been mostly getting mercy fucks.
Moral of Story : It's best if you find someone that matches your Libido from the get go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not divorced but think of it daily. Logistics make it tough so playing the waiting game. Have not had sex in five years. I have asked to go to counseling but she refuses. Minimizes impact - tells me that I make a big deal out of not having sex. So, as others have suggested I am working on myself. Will likely start to go see someone (counseling) by myself just to deal with resulting anger issues.

I know I have stopped being a nurturing spouse. She will want to talk about her day, vent about work, have me help her get her car serviced and frankly I couldn't give a shit at this point. But I cannot say that I have divorced but I will not choice to live the rest of my life this way and I am making financial and personal plans to ensure separation.

I have told her that I view the withholding of all physical affection as a violation of her vows. It doesn't seem to sink in; when I tell her we need to go to counseling in order to avoid divorce it doesn't sink in; in our marriage she has often refused to discuss things so that she can say "we never talked about that" but in my kinder moments perhaps she is just wired differently, that we both need to recognize that, and plan accordingly.

I need to be careful though because I do find I get very angry and need to watch my tongue in front of the kids.

In my case it is the nastiest form of passive aggressive behavior I have ever experienced. And I think she will be genuinely surprised and saddened when I file but that's not a marriage. Well, then again, I realize now that for alot of women, marriage is a financial contract.

How was her sex drive before marriage and kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The truth hurts I guess.

More like entitled, misogynistic bullshit hurts. It's annoying to read and the stupidity hurts my brain.

PP here, I'm female, and not misogynistic at all! I'm not saying have sex whenever your husband desires. Just don't base an acceptable frequency for your marriage based on a random internet post. Base it off the needs and desires of the two people involved.

Furthermore, sex every 2 weeks is NOT a decent frequency, not one that I would ever be content with, and your H sounds pretty normal to be unhappy with you.

I'm a wife, and my husband and I went 6 days recently. I was not a happy camper, and I can't believe how grateful I was that he finally got around to sex