Reply to Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I know a few frieinds who were essentially either in sexless marriages or in marriages where the wife had sex once a month or so to appease the husband. In all cases, the wives were nursing some major resentment in other areas of the marriage. I can say that my husband and I did not have sex for a one year period of time following the birth of our first child. We both work, but he does minimal housework, minimal cleaning up even after himself. Of the two, i have the more demanding job and longer hours, yet i was easily doing 80 or 90 percent of the housework. Yet, when we would quarrel about it, he would say that he was doing just as much as me, or if it was a really obvious week where he couldn't try to say that, he'd cause me of keeping score. We'd have these quarrels and i'd feel like every complaint was turned against me. So yeah, we went a year with almost no sex. It wasn't just that i was resentful, ti was that there's nothing attractive about someone treating me like that.

I wanted to share this because, to the DS upthread who is talking about the year without sex and how he's no longer interested in hearing about her life or helping her, there could be things on the other side that are causing her lack of libido. Are you a full partner? Is she resentful or feeling some injustice in your relationship? Do you put her down, or leave her to do more housework? the way you said that you see her lack of sex as a violation of her vows to  you makes me think maybe you're controlling or a shamer. I mean, I don't know you, so i'm not trying to put you down or anything, but i just want to point out that it really does seem rare that when there's a lack of sex that that is the ONLY thing going on...

I will say my DH and I reconnected after that hard year. We both decided to put our all into the relationship again. He started really making an effort with doing his share and just being nicer to me. It wasn't instant libido again, but i faked it until i made it and now we're having good sex a few times a week again. [/quote]

I am the PP; and I don't tell her that it a violation of our vows to shame her or to put her down - I tell her that because that is what I believe. Why take vows in a front of a church full of people ? I do not believe that sex in a marriage should be transactional. Sure, life can be hard and it is in those times that you need to nurture and nourish each other. Not keep track of who took out the garbage.

What you prescribe becomes a self perpetuating cycle of negative reinforcement. He didn't take out the garbage so I am going to withhold affection. He says well she's cold so I am not going to take her to that nice dinner or watch the kids so she can a have a night out. How's that supposed to work. Keeping score is not the answer - genuine affection is.  You need to act like you are the most important things in each other' lives.[/quote]

And the way you put this down shows that PP is likely right. Of course getting into a situation where 'he didn't take the garbage out so I'm going to withhold sex' is a bad and harmful cycle. But to disregard how someone feels when her spouse repeatedly seems to put her out to dry and expect her to take on the lion's share of housework AND to be available whenever her DH wants it is just as much a message of 'you are not the most important thing to me' as her withholding sex is to him. Keeping nitpicky score is always bad but when the scales are weighted completely in one person's favor, its hard not to notice. And if she tells you this and you do nothing but still complain about the lack of sex, then you are just as complicit in the relationship's failure as she is. BOTH of you need to act like the other person is most important and that means prioritizing not JUST what is important to YOU but also what is important to THEM. [/quote]

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