So your DH has ED and knows this causes friction in the relationship (and is likely very embarassing for him) and you are making eye contact with other dudes while you're out at dinner? And you dress super sexy all the time? And all your intimacy problems are DH's fault? Thanks for proving my case in point PP. - PP that was called a naive troll for believing that a lot of you scorned spouses might be playing a role in your relationship dynamics |
I believe you. I am an attractive and successful man who is married to a very low libido woman. It's hard not to internalize the rejection, but what makes it sting less is getting the attention from people outside your marriage. As hard as it is for men to deal with rejection (I think the physical symptoms are tougher), I think its worse for women because someone as sexy as you gets tons of attention from men. Stay sexy, there are those of us who love the flirtation to keep us sane. |
Or maybe you're not...SJP looks like a horse quite frankly...and maybe it's just your way of dressing slutty that gets attention....butter face if you will...maybe he has an incredible sex drive but it is spent on his AP and not wasted on a narcissist such as yourself. |
Read, please! I gave him all my attention until I watched his eyes move away. THEN I did the same. I got attention; he did not. I wish he had an AP it would make sense, but he's limp-believe me!! I've always dressed sexy-ever to go grocery shopping-mini dress, heels, make up. I do it for ME!!! |
My husband is the lower libido spouse. When asked why he doesn't want it more often, sometimes he blames me but more often blames external things: busy with the kids, tired, etc. He's just lower drive, period. There's a marked difference if I just wait for him to want it; it's much better. After 15+ years of trying to increase, or get him to increase, his drive, I am at the point where I realize that it's much better if I wait for his desire to build up. I'd like more than 3 or maybe 4 times a month, but the quality is poor if I push for greater frequency. Quality is poor, meaning low enthusiasm, won't turn to face me in bed - I have to come over to his side of bed. I get little foreplay. Not really enjoyable. I take care of myself in between times with him. |
Do you have a low libido, or another sexual outlet? |
I ended a relationship over lack of sex. We discussed how important sex was to me. I was young and ignored the early signs of his diminishing interest in sex. He got more withdrawn when I tried to talk to him about it. Not having a high sex drive seemed to hurt his ego. I tried so many things, but decided that I couldn't spend the rest of my life not getting any affection. We have a child together. The whole thing really sucked. The rejection sucked. Now, I'm happy in a relationship with a guy who wants sex as often as I do. I coparent with the ex.
While some may consider lack of sex to be petty, and look down on those who complain about it, please understand that it is worse than cheating to me. He made a decision that we would both be celibate. If I made a unilateral decision that I would bring other men into my sex life, it would be grounds for divorce. No one would question it. It's a horrible thing to do to your spouse, and so is refusing to give affection and love. It's downright abusive. |
QFT. Very well put and succinct summation of the problem from the HD perspective. No doubt some LD spouse will come back with some bitter retort, but it's hard to argue that what you wrote isn't objectively true. |
That PP you're quoting ended a relationship over it. That was the responsible thing to do if weren't compatible in that way. It also doesn't sound like they married that person but made sexual compatibility a priority BEFORE committing to a lifetime with someone. |
Probably all true, but still mostly speculative on your part and does nothing to refute her point. |
Very well said. |
+ 100 which is why I have no guilt cheating. I won't divorce someone I love. She unilaterally decided very little sex, then I get to decide unilaterally that I get it some place else. |
What is her point? That refusing affection to a spouse is abusive? I agree with that in some contexts. For example a marriage where one party is maliciously holding back affection to control the other party's actions. But if you marry someone who is less affectionate than you/wants less sex than you than it is abusive to hold them to standards you knew they were incapable of meeting. If you marry someone and are having relationship problems and this results in lower libido for your spouse and you tell them that their withholding of sex is the cause of all the problems (when in fact its just a symptom) than I would argue that maybe YOU are the abusive one. Taking a long hard and honest look at sexual compatibility prior to marriage is just as important as discussing finances and whether you want children. And fostering an ongoing and healthy conversation about those aspects of your life and not letting resentment build is responsible stewardship of a relationship. The PP seems to have done that. You seem to want to say that if she had married the guy and then cheated on him then she would be in the right because he was abusive. In reality, he seems to have been himself, lower libido and not super comfortable discussing it. She realized they were incompatible and ended the relationship (with a child involved so couldn't have been an easy decision but she still made the right and responsible one). She didn't justify cheating. |
Huh? You make no sense. Anybody who likes sex would never tell somebody whose spouse is rejecting them sexually to stop whining and go masturbate. Only people who don't like sex will think and sex between two people is unimportant. |
Not the PP you are responding to but like, this entire exchange is stupid. I like sex but can think of scenarios where I would not be into it and if my DH threw a tantrum about it I would feel like he should stop whining and go take care of it himself. You can not want to have sex for a given period of time AND still like sex. Humans are complicated, which is why these conversations are so annoying and reductive. You make it JUST about sex when its almost always about more than sex. I continually wonder how you people would respond if you were paralyzed or something but your low libido spouse stood by you and loved and cared for you even though sex was no longer part of the equation. Or how you would handle it if it was reversed and they physically were just unable to provide that to you. Would you walk away because they couldn't put out enough? |