DH's job hunt: help me not be an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Fixes things (there is a lot to fix), takes some classes related to his field (I totally approve and support this), job hunts. It's not like he's sitting on his butt.

I think you sound like a great partner. I also think that he could probably fit in the dishes if he knew it was important to you. You can ask, minus the screaming at him

+1 Good advice here. OP, I feel you. I really do. When DH was unemployed for a year (well, there were a few hours of work here & there), I became really resentful of our financial limitations (every purchase he made that wasn't a joint decision was a point of contention) + all the housework I still had to do + our kid was still in daycare. I made many gentle, loving pleas for him to just take some temp work with an agency - or, fully embrace his role as a SAHD for the next six months. He didn't love the gentle hints, and eventually I did snap - if his income wasn't breaking even with daycare costs within two months, I was dis-enrolling our daughter. He really didn't like that, but the math was indisputable. We couldn't keep the status quo up, which is true regardless of whether we felt warm & fuzzy or upset & angry about the situation we were in. I invited him to take a look at the budget and find an alternative to what i was suggesting. He took a look, then got two half-time jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you women be so bitter if money was not an issue? In other words, are you mostly upset about the finances, or does it just bum you out that your DHs may be around the house more than you'd anticipated?

The resentment is not just about the money. It's about the fact that you've lost an equal partner, which previously was equal in terms of us both working to provide for our family, but could now be redefined as equal in terms of us contributing different things but both putting in equal effort. I think a lot of us are saying we could embrace the latter change, but for the unemployed spouse, they don't want to embrace this new reality - probably hoping that the new job will come quickly, so nothing else needs to change in the meantime. But that job doesn't come immediately and if the unemployed spouse doesn't up their contribution in other realms - like cooking, cleaning, and childcare, then what is their contribution to the family? That's where the resentment comes in. The unemployed spouse feels somewhat depressed, spends what productive energy he has on the job hunt, and doesn't feel up for doing double the housework now that he's down & out. It's understandable and I have sympathy for being in that state of mind, but over time it is a recipe for resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:unemployed for more than a month is unacceptable

Good for you that you have never been unemployed but if you ever are, you May find that it isn't always easy to find another job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you women be so bitter if money was not an issue? In other words, are you mostly upset about the finances, or does it just bum you out that your DHs may be around the house more than you'd anticipated?

Well I'm the poster whose DH was laid off and he was spectacular at taking care of the house. So much so that I would have loved for him to SAH despite the severe income drop. Had he been as helpless as the OP'S DH, you bet I would have been pissed and I would be a timid as her to voice it. Everyone needs to contribute to the household. Some with money and some with time.

Um, OP here. My DH is far from helpless. And some folks really need to work on their reading comprehension. I'm not bitter. Far from it. I'm trying to find ways to stay that way.

[Anonymous]

You didn't save any of his former income?! 220 k is a lot...

[Anonymous]

OP again. I'm assuming you aren't addressing me, since our HHI doesn't even come close, but savings get depleted in situations like this.

[Anonymous]

We've gone through three bouts of unemployment with DH. First was really short and moved to another job in the same company. One was 7 months and one has been permanent from. 9-5 job as he grew a consulting business.

Each time I tried to really focus on communicating my feelings and not blaming him but expressing, owning, asking for help to deal or sometimes just letting them go. Not easy - refinancing this last time was a major headache with trying to prove consulting income. May least for us when I could express that I was scared, frustrated, sad, tired he could also express he was depressed, anxious, worried.

It worked for us to take a quiet moment and remind ourselves we are a team and can work together but also that unemployment sucks and brings up a lot of emotions and fears. Focus on that and if he is the good DH you say I am sure he will rise to the challenge for himself and you.

[Anonymous]

NP here who was about to start a new thread and realized it was likely there was already one going. I got home from a three day business trip last night to find the place a mess. I try to stay calm but it is really hard. DH is actually starting a job in September but he has been unemployed since January, and we still have our nanny full time, so it's not like he's taking care of the kids all day long. I find it very hard to calmly say that he needs to do more around the house without it sounding like nagging or shouting. I know he is down about being unemployed, and it's very difficult, but it's hard for me too. It's stressful being the only breadwinner and the default parent and to have to do business travel.

[Anonymous]

The resentment is not just about the money. It's about the fact that you've lost an equal partner, which previously was equal in terms of us both working to provide for our family, but could now be redefined as equal in terms of us contributing different things but both putting in equal effort. I think a lot of us are saying we could embrace the latter change, but for the unemployed spouse, they don't want to embrace this new reality - probably hoping that the new job will come quickly, so nothing else needs to change in the meantime. But that job doesn't come immediately and if the unemployed spouse doesn't up their contribution in other realms - like cooking, cleaning, and childcare, then what is their contribution to the family? That's where the resentment comes in.

This. It's the defaulted breadwinner effect. Read that thread. Nails it.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP hope it's going better for you. I am sympathetic as my DH has been injured/convalescing for about 3 months now. He is working but I am pulling all the weight at home. It's not his fault, but the resentment is starting to build! Hopefully this period will pass for both of us and our marriages will be stronger!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP hope it's going better for you. I am sympathetic as my DH has been injured/convalescing for about 3 months now. He is working but I am pulling all the weight at home. It's not his fault, but the resentment is starting to build! Hopefully this period will pass for both of us and our marriages will be stronger!

This thread is exactly why I recommend men not get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP hope it's going better for you. I am sympathetic as my DH has been injured/convalescing for about 3 months now. He is working but I am pulling all the weight at home. It's not his fault, but the resentment is starting to build! Hopefully this period will pass for both of us and our marriages will be stronger!

This thread is exactly why I recommend men not get married.

Why only men and not women also?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP hope it's going better for you. I am sympathetic as my DH has been injured/convalescing for about 3 months now. He is working but I am pulling all the weight at home. It's not his fault, but the resentment is starting to build! Hopefully this period will pass for both of us and our marriages will be stronger!

This thread is exactly why I recommend men not get married.

"Through sickness and through health"

Well until I start resenting him because he isn't doing what I think he should be doing in the time I think he should be doing it.

[Anonymous]

Here are some tips on keeping yourself sane:

1. Remember that applying for jobs is stressful and draining. Both because it is unpleasant to be unemployed, and because the actual process of filling out a job application is nauseating. He needs some downtime to relax, just like a gainfully employed person does.

2. Try to remember that it is easy to underestimate how long some of the things he is doing actually take. As one example, I am convinced that my wife thinks "Hey can you fix that rocker?" involves me carrying the rocker to the basement, banging a screwdriver against it for five minutes, and then taking it back upstairs. Actually, it involves carrying the rocker, disassembling it, searching for the correct tools, discovering that one of the washers is broken, driving to the hardware store and rooting through bins for the correct washer, buying it, bringing it home, re-assembling the rocker, carrying it back upstairs, cleaning up the tools, and then washing the shirt that I accidentally stained with oil. To be clear, I am not suggesting he's a martyr or anything, just that this perspective might make it somewhat easier for you to swallow if he later doesn't start the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Losing a job is a traumatic event. I'm kind of aghast at how unsupportive you all are of your husbands.