DH's job hunt: help me not be an ass.
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Maybe I just need to vent here so I don't do it inappropriately at DH.
DH was laid off several months ago (construction related - terrible winter), and is looking. We are OK, but things are tight...really tight. Like, getting paycheck to paycheck tight. He's looking. He's got several irons in the fire, but it is taking longer than we had hoped. I love him very much, employed or not. Meanwhile, I'm working 40+ (lotsa +) hours a week and the house is a mess and my son outgrew everything all at once, again. Sometimes I want to yell, "CAN YOU JUST DO THE DAMN DISHES?" I don't, though. This man fixed the plumbing, built me garden boxes, and folds laundry with me while we watch TV at night. I'm taking deep breaths, counting my blessings, remembering that we are luckier than a lot of people. Got any tips for keeping my cool here? We're trying really hard not to get snippy with each other over money. |
Anonymous
| What does he do all day |
Anonymous
| If he's home all day doing nothing, he should be able to help out around the house more. I would bring that up with him. I hope he finds employment soon. My DH lost his job last March, and although he was blessed with a position a few months later, it was still hard. I hope you stick it out! Good luck, OP! |
Anonymous
| OP here. Fixes things (there is a lot to fix), takes some classes related to his field (I totally approve and support this), job hunts. It's not like he's sitting on his butt. |
Anonymous
I think you sound like a great partner. I also think that he could probably fit in the dishes if he knew it was important to you. You can ask, minus the screaming at him 
|
Anonymous
|
OP, I have been there, and for quite some time. My tongue is still scarred from being bitten so much. Hang in there. Trite, but true, that this is really hard on him too; job hunting is tough. Remind yourself of that each day. You may need to let some things go around the house while in this phase. Find a friend to vent to (and choose carefully; try not to vent to parents, in-laws, etc. who you want to love and respect your DH). Find something to do for YOU each week - go running, get out for a walk, see a friend, and have DH step up to handle the house/kids while you're out. It's OK, and healthy, to let him know that this is hard for you too. But acknowledge how hard it is for him when you do it - this should be a joint conversation and not a tally of what each of you are doing to contribute/not contribute right now.
|
Anonymous
Nothing but sympathy OP. At least he isn't pretending that he wants to be a full time SAHP now. I have a friend in that situation and it's terrible because the spouse absolutely sucks at dealing with the work of being home full time. My friend walks in every night to a complete mess. And this is her life...until...forever? She is understandably pissed. GL to your DH. I hope he finds something soon. |
Anonymous
| unemployed for more than a month is unacceptable |
Anonymous
|
I don't know. I don't give him a pass like the rest of you. My DH was out of work for a few months. I came home to a clean house, a full fridge, clean laundry, and dinner at least prepped. All maintenance was done on thr house and lawn by DH as well. DH handled the entire morning routine and I was at the gym working out 5 mornings a week. He did all of this with a 4yr old who was only in preschool 3 days a week for 4hrs each day. I loved having him home and had he wanted to, him staying st home would have been heaven. However he wanted to keep his career. Him returning to work was a bummer.
He did all of this because he has pride and wanted to pull his share. He's a smart man and can figure out how to empty a dishwasher and run a vaccuum. |
Anonymous
I'm the above poster and it's not always easy getting a new job, especially one that pays well. My DH would not take under 220k, so it took awhile. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I think some people (I don't want to generalize into men and women, but that's often what it is) see different "needs to do" around the house. My DH and I often work opposite days. It would never occur to him to do the dishes, as the magical dish fairy does them. Much like you, the house renovations get done, or planter boxes built.
I let it be. Looking for work is still work (as is taking courses). For me, dishes aren't such a big deal, if he's contributing. I love the planter boxes that got built last weekend ((although I would have killed to not have had to vacuum). I don't think it's meant as disrespect. He may want to do "big things" to still feel worthy. Dishes don't make you feel very accomplished at the end of the day (lord I know). Building a planter box makes you feel like you did SOMETHING. he may need that righ now. |
Anonymous
Agreed...finding a new job isn't that easy depending upon the field. I've been looking to switch firms for 1.5 years, but I haven't been able to get an offer yet. But, I'm also aiming for jobs that pay at least $300k. It's pretty hard with lots of competition. |
Anonymous
Construction workers get 220k? |
Anonymous
|
I have a friend whose husband lost a job about 5 years ago. Because he thinks very highly of himself he still hasn't found one. I don't know what he does all day. Takes long walks. His father is supporting them financially.
Right now she's getting back into the work and it looks like, as soon as she does, it'll be followed by a divorce. |
Anonymous
|
OP again. Clarification: he's an engineer/project manager, and there are some jobs out there, but they are not falling out of the sky.
Thanks, all. I just need to hang in, and probably just ask him to do the dishes once in a while. |