DS is dating a stripper

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The other PPs in this thread are ok with their children (of either sex) dating strippers?

Really?

Wow.

Actually, nobody said that. They focused instead on the fact that we're talking about a grown man whom OP cannot control. She can either accept him, trust his judgment and give her a chance, or completely alienate him by refusing to host her. What over options do you think OP has?

I can't say that a stripper would be my first choice of partner for any of my children, but when they are independent adults, my approval isn't necessary. I would rather maintain a good, close relationship with my kids than offend them because I don't like who they chose as a partner based only on stereotypes and prejudice. Better to be willing to meet this woman and see what kind of a person she is for myself before I say anything to my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom freaked out when I was dating someone who would have been a big mistake. I already knew that it would have been a mistake, but I was still with him. My mom's sadness helped me make the move to break things off. Breaking it off was 100% the best thing for me, and I am so glad that I did it. I'm early 40's and happily married now.

I would keep communicating your concerns with DS and make sure to keep the dialogue open. I would avoid stating your concerns as attacks on his girlfriend, but rather as compatibility issues with what he wants out of life.
He may not seem like he's hearing you, but he is probably hearing you. You probably should at least meet her once to better understand who she is.

I wouldn't say one single word against the girlfriend until you've actually met her. Otherwise, your son is going to be able to easily dismiss your complaints as prejudice and snobbery. If she turns out to be a bad girlfriend for other reasons (she lies, does drugs, cheats on him, whatever), you won't have much authority to say anything--your son can just say, "Oh, you never liked her just because she was a stripper." Better to meet her and see what she is actually like, v. what you think strippers are like.

[Anonymous]

My sister dated a guy who was pretty much the complete opposite of who she "should" have been dating. (She was at Harvard, he was a local who dropped out of high school etc). I feel it was VERY much on purpose. She liked that this was a guy she wasn't supposed to be interested in. It was like she could see something in him that no one else could.

My parents welcomed him with open arms. Why? Bc she loved him. My mom treated him like she would any life partner. She made a few small suggestions (like if they were going to have a future, perhaps my sister could encourage him to enroll in community college etc) but other than that, shut up about it. She'd ask about him, welcomed him to family dinners and events etc. When people would act shocked about it, she'd defend my sister as capable of making her own decisions.

They barely lasted a year before it all imploded in a dramatic fashion. My sister was pretty clearly doing it to rebel a bit and change her image. If my parents had tried to fight her on it, she might have stayed with him even longer, just to prove she knew what she was doing.

She ended up marrying a guy from Yale and they both got PhDs.

Moral: shut up about it.

[Anonymous]

My sister dated several guys after college that were not up to my parents' standards. They let her know and it probably resulted in those relationships fizzling out. Then she met "Dave" and he had all of the checkboxes checked for a "perfect" husband. My parents were thrilled. She married him and now he beats her. She has tried to leave several times. You can guess the cycle.

You are not going to be the one living with this person. It is their happiness. Be happy if they are happy.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only person who thinks it's odd that OP has a rule that his son isn't allowed to bring a young woman over to visit unless he's "serious" about the relationship? What's the backstory there? I don't imagine my daughter would want to bring a new date over to hang out with her parents, but, if she did, why should that bother me? I can't imagine making a rule like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way my son would be stupid enough to date a stripper. I'm thankful for that at least.

My son is not stupid enough to tell us he is dating a stripper even if he is... At least I hope not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only person who thinks it's odd that OP has a rule that his son isn't allowed to bring a young woman over to visit unless he's "serious" about the relationship? What's the backstory there? I don't imagine my daughter would want to bring a new date over to hang out with her parents, but, if she did, why should that bother me? I can't imagine making a rule like that.

Yes, it's a strange rule.

It''s what makes me think the OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

What's her name?

[Anonymous]

Tatum Channing was a stripper and seems like an upstanding guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only person who thinks it's odd that OP has a rule that his son isn't allowed to bring a young woman over to visit unless he's "serious" about the relationship? What's the backstory there? I don't imagine my daughter would want to bring a new date over to hang out with her parents, but, if she did, why should that bother me? I can't imagine making a rule like that.

It makes sense when you are a single parent and don't want your kids to get attached; I guess op has temperament of a child of divorce?

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you are still reading.

Let's say you tell your son you don't approve of this relationship and you want nothing to do with this woman. You shun her and shut her out. Then, let's say he marries her and they have kids. You will have zero access to your grandchildren. And you will deserve it.

Welcome this girl with open arms, even if you don't "like" her.

[Anonymous]

Why would a son tell his conservative parents that his girlfriend is a stripper? It's possible he's joking or manipulating you for some reason.

Maybe it's one of those situations where you get the lesser of two evils. What if he shows up with her and she's a different race or religion from you? Then he tells you she's not a stripper after all and you're so happy about that, you don't care that she doesn't go to the right church (or is AA or is a dropout, etc.)

[Anonymous]

He's a grownup. Let it go and it'll pass. He go onto the next person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I'm pretty furious.

My son is in his late twenties and we don't ever interfere in his private life since he generally has it all together. The only time we know when he's dating someone is if it gets serious and he brings her home. His last serious girlfriend lasted 5 years, and DH and I LOVED her. She was everything I could've wanted in a daughter-in-law...I prayed that DS would propose to her but he ended up having some sort of "only one woman forever?" crisis and broke up with her. Now he's apparently falling in love with a stripper, because he wants to bring her home to dinner. We have a rule that he can't bring girls home to dinner unless there is something serious going on, so he's serious about this one.

I don't want to entertain a stripper in my home. I don't care how that sounds. I'm not a "hater", I don't hate them, but I just cannot see someone with that unstable, train wreck, permissive lifestyle ever integrating with our family. We're a nice bunch but the words "wholesome" and "pretty traditional" are a good way to describe us. I don't know what got into DS's head but I think this woman is just a representation of the instability going on in his own heart and mind and I wish he'd recognize that.

I know that if I tell DS that I don't want him to bring this girl home, he'll get upset and not talk to me for months. WWYD?

Ehm...what?! Your son is a grown man. In his late twenties. Dating someone he wants to date. You have zero business saying anything to him and honestly before you haven't met and gotten to know her you don't even have any business having an opinion on her. You haven't even met the woman! Get a grip, get over yourself and give her a chance before you nail her to the cross. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way my son would be stupid enough to tell me that he has decided to date a stripper. I'm thankful for that at least.

Fixed it for you.