Can this marriage be saved?
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Anonymous
| Do we have a Gottman troll on this board? In at least three separate threads, someone is pushing Gottman's books and seminars really hard. |
Anonymous
a couple thoughts:
Sounds like you haven't had good models, but are replicating patterns. Being able to be clear eyed about the failure of your parents to get along, and acknowledgment of your own role in your own marital dynamic, would be a good place to start in therapy. I would also venture that your diametrically opposed personalities were, at the beginning, attractors--you and your husband complemented each other in many ways, but now your marriage is stuck in old patterns. You want him to be more like you, and he wants you to be more like him. One of the issues is that you do not seem to value "being like him"--it comes out from your description that you see his traits only as negatives: essentially weak, emotional, etc, whereas they might also be aligned with positives: giving, loving, flexible. Whereas you see your traits as positive--logical, practical, objective--where he may experience them as harsh, critical, and demanding. Good couples therapy, if you're both willing to see your own patterns, can help you begin to appreciate each other's differences. MIL issue: you need to drop it. Yes, its annoying, but you're just fueling the fire. I'd probably just be pleasant, brief, and not get into it. BTW, it might be interesting to consider whether you and your MIL are similar in that you both are the 'organizers' to your DH's emotional and practical life. |
Anonymous
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I'm the PP who talked about the time for the Gottmann book but didn't post the other links. And I think folks who read the book and find it helpful push it hard because it really seems to help. It also (for me at least) seemed like relatively simple ideas. Not always easy to implement necessarily, but simple. And in a way reading his book felt a lot like the time I was first able to see one of those 'magic image' posters - it was a real 'A ha' moment for me. Hasn't been a magic bullet for our marriage by an means, but has definitely helped me feel less helpless in the situation and has given me the sense that there really are things I can do to improve things.
I think working on communication issues is also helpful because it's actually a way that 1 person can singlehandedly help fix the situation, but in a way that doesn't build as much resentment as other approaches. At least that has been my experience. |
Anonymous
The reason it's better is you don't have to give him half the money, you still have a lot of control over your kids' lives and you can spend your leisure time in ways that make you happy, instead of dealing with him in your little spare time. |
Anonymous
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I'm the PP who detailed my experience in trying the Gottman book. I recommended it because it works for me. He is one of the most respected marriage therapists, because of his extensive research, so I imagine you see his recommendation a lot because he works.
For us -- the book was a quick read. It isn't anything earth shattering, but it provides a framework. The reading isn't the commitment -- instead, the IMPLEMENTING is where the real work is. For us, we now set aside 15-30 minutes per evening to walk through a plan for getting things done. I try really hard to communicate as Gottman recommends, and I know my husband tries really hard too. During this time, we are consciously working on our communication styles (and avoiding fights over stupid things). I've found that after months of this, these communication tips are becoming more natural and we are using them outside of our "set" time and that things are just better all around because we're both implementing the changes that he recommends. |
Anonymous
| All right you Gottman advocates...can it help with getting my husband to learn to be more physical with me? He simply doesn't think to touch me, because touch is not his love language. This, alone, is one of our big problems, and we would get along better and communicate better if he were more into touch. |
Anonymous
| OP: I am sorry for the emotional stress you are having to endure, but here's a different perspective. THIS issue should not decide the fate of your marriage, it can be worked upon and improved upon especially when you both love each other. My Mom is like you, take charge sorta person, my Dad adores her, made all the money and gave it to her to manage the house and his life, she has done it happily and they love each other to pieces (she worked part time). I am like your DH and my DH is like you, over the years he has learned to speak kindly/gently to me, I can't stand loud, aggressive voice, It has taken him some time but we are there. I don't think it's so much laziness as opposed to him resenting you for "the way you ask for things to be done". I don't mean to criticize but observe your tone and way of talking/speaking to him. My DH and I have finally reached a point where I am taking on more of his qualities and he is trying to be patient, laid back and calm like me. You both will be just fine, hang in there. GL! |
Anonymous
It's actually Gottman. I have read one of his books and it was pretty good. I liked the Runkel book more |
Anonymous
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OP, it really sounds as though you wish your DH was you, and guess what - he's not. He's him. He is there to bring balance to the hard parts of you. Once you learn to embrace that, instead of resenting it, your marriage can be saved.
Sounds like you could compromise a little on your own behaviours without requiring him to change who he is. Doing that part will bring the stress level down in your relationship exponentially. Here's the kicker about therapy and counselling: There is a lot of use in going yourself. Because by posting here, you're showing that you're stressed and upset. In the absence of abuse, a lot of this is just learning how to manage our own reactions, perceptions, etc. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you for the encouragement and constructive criticism. I often think that if I was a SAHM, this could work so much better because then I would have the time to manage DH's life for him. I actually work very long hours, however, and make more than DH. So, quitting my job would set back the household significantly. DH's mother was a SAHM who refused to get a job and enjoyed managing everyone's affairs. DH took well to having his mother responsible for him, but objected to the financial stress this placed on his father. I feel he is trying to get the best of all worlds for himself by having me responsible for his whole life the way a SAHM would, while also having me spare him the financial burden by bringing home a big check. A great dynamic for him, except what am I getting out of that kind of hellish set up? I have no down time. I think DH and I definitely resent each other at this point. I see him as selfish, childish, lazy, and often incompetent. I see a lot of his mother in him and I am just shy of hating his mother sometimes. He sees me as mean, rude, moody, and secretive. He sees a lot of my emotionally distant, type A mother in me and definitely does not like my mother. I am going to read the Gottman book, but will also see if I can find a way to squeeze therapy sessions in so that we can tackle the resentment that has been building. Some posters have noted that I do not seem to like DH and there is some truth to that. He has come to embody a lot of traits that I dislike. Even something like the way that both DH and his mother love nothing more than to sit to a hours-long brunch and plan ways to spend money on, for instance, trips, makes me want to punch them both in the head sometimes, lol. I am struggling to make everything work and figuring out how to increase my earnings and take care of the family, while these two goons are planning their next vacation. It is unkind of me to resent them so for loving the good life, but I feel it is unkind of DH to put so much stress on me with his reluctance to get his hands dirty with unglamorous tasks. We have a lot to work on and I fully cop to my end of things. |
Anonymous
Oh, you think Gottman is lurking here and pushing his own books? That would make a lot of sense. The writing style of the posts endorsing him does seem similar. |
Anonymous
OP here. You do have a point here. I am still going to hold out hope for my marriage that it does not come to this. Change is hard, but it starts with acknowledgment. I acknowledge that I can be cold and harsh and resentful and have workaholic tendencies. I was attracted to DH's gentleness, his little boy way of wearing all his feelings on his sleeve, his need to be loved, and his ability to love. I am still attracted to all of those traits now. Even all these years later, I love little more than to see him working on his tan on vacation all stretched out like a big cat. He is a Leo and boy does he know how to enjoy life. But I also resent the dark side of DH. The feeling that he is above the petty details of life, that suspicion that he sees me as a minion whose job is to sort things out for him. We have a lot to address, but I do love this man and I am devoted to my family. I know what I need to change about myself, but I need help doing so. For my babies and my husband, I am willing to fight hard to change. I believe DH is willing to change too. We just don't know how to stop being who we are. Gottman and therapy, here we come. |
Anonymous
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I'm the PP that posted the Gottman links. I suggest Gottman and his books because they are the reason I have such a good marriage. I read them many, many years before I met DH and got married. But the concepts have stuck with me. And I made a conscious effort to do a lot of what Gottman says are a part of a good marriage. Over time, they have become like second nature and have helped us weather some pretty bumpy storms.
So many people are recommending him and his techniques because they work! |
Anonymous
I think the Gottman books are wildly popular and he's really well-known. And the books are cheap and available at your library or on amazon for a few bucks. So his name gets thrown around a lot, so does the Five Love Languages. Gottman would work really well for us if I could get DH to read along, but oh well. |
Anonymous
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It's just weird that Gottman suddenly pops up in three different threads in the space of one hour.
I have been frequenting DCUM for a long time now and never heard him come up until now, and then suddenly, he came up several times and PPs KEEP talking about him. I am not saying his approach hasn't worked for PPs, but something smells about the timing of this barrage of endorsements for Gottman. |