Can this marriage be saved?

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04/20/2015 12:38

Subject: Can this marriage be saved?

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:DH and I differ on a lot of issues. I am a private, type A, logical, and I initiate solutions. DH confides a lot in his parents and social circle, is type B, emotional, and tends to wait for me to come up with plans to solve our problems.

From matters as simple as cleaning up the house to creating a budget to planning our move, DH will not take the first step until I sit him down and say "you know we have xyz coming up and here is how we are going to go about it." What once seemed like a pleasant demeanor has started to look a lot more like laziness and lack of initiative over the years because now that we have children and busy careers, having to singlehandedly shoulder responsibility for tackling every task and issue in our lives adds a lot of work to my plate. DH's response when I bring this up is to say some version of "Just tell me what to do and I will do it. I'm here to help." Waiting to be told what to do is, of course, is the whole problem. I want an equal partner who takes ownership, not a subordinate who takes orders.

DH tends to personalize things, whereas I can be coldly rational. If I initiate a discussion about how to get something done, my tone has to be warm and nonthreatening, or he will get caught up in how I am being "mean" and then the whole conversation devolves. I once saw this as adorable and sweet, but now I see it as often childish. I am the type who focuses on the point of the message. This can make me blunt and cold in my delivery. DH's hurt feelings are often valid.

I do not trust DH's family. My intuition is very strong and I am very observant. Years ago, I believed his mother did not like me and I noticed his extended family accidentally dropping small details about my personal life into their convos with me in a way that suggested to me that someone was blabbing my business. Well, I told DH it was his mother and, in a series of arguments, he said some very cruel things to me in defense of her. Turned out I was right. That created a real wound between DH and I that has yet to heal because his mother disclosed details of very painful things in my own family and also badmouthed me. I have also continued to play nice with his mother, but have yet to forgive her because she just cried and played the victim when confronted. She also continues to gossip about everyone while claiming she no longer gossips about me. I don't believe her. This is a problem in itself, but it is an even bigger problem because his mother is DH's closest confidant. Every time I tell him not to tell her something about me, it results in a fight. I have started withholding info from DH and DH knows this and is hurt. But I cannot trust him if he is going to go blab to his untrustworthy mother.

In short, DH and I are just so different that in small and big things, we get on each other's nerves. We fight every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. If not for our children, I would probably throw in the towel. But I grew up as a child of divorce, with parents who couldn't get along even for the sake of their children. Everything in me wants to hang on for dear life and make this work somehow. We also have something else going for us: Despite all of this, we really do love each other. But we just can't get along and our personalities are diametric opposites.

Ha! I'm going to call:

- unreliable narrator
- not "type A" but weak ego and overcompensating, bordering on abusive
- DH is walking on eggshells and emotionally exhausted
- His family sees all this quite clearly and doesn't like what you are doing to him and the kids; you are probably right to infer they don't like you - you don't sound very likable.

HTH, HAND