Are my twins too close? (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP can't tell from your post, but if this is their first year of school i would keep them together. as twin mom of fraternal girls we have kept them together so far for two years (switched schools so thought it would be a good transition). I think for identicals it is much harder because teachers treat them as interchangeable or a unit (I already see teachers do that with my fraternals who are very different). But give it time. We found that just being around other kids more for a year or two started a natural evolution.

One thing that helped us also was being sure to do things separately with the individual kids, it helps them to develop their own interests that they can identify with, then they're differentiating because they want to, not because someone is forcing them to.

They are in Pre-K now, and it's their only year of preschool. According to what we see and what their teachers say, they always include others who are playing in the same area, visually check on each other when they're playing in different sections of the room, and verbally check in with each other when they won't be visable to the other ("I'm going to the bathroom" etc.). They often aim to sit at the same table for snack time, but if there's no more room one will sit at a different table without a problem (though again, checking in visually).

So far only one friend has ever invited only one. They truly could not understand why this would happen at first. Then the invited one didn't want to go because she felt the birthday child had been mean to her sister. We finally convinced her to go, and she had a good time for the two hours. Though as always when they reunited they hugged and "I missed you so much!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you two parents sound like total whimps. Seems like the children are running the show in your house.

You post this on every. Single. Effing. Thread. Learn how to spell wimp, and perhaps you'll be less identifiable. You harpy. Or middle-aged, bald jackass hanging out in his parents' basement.

[Anonymous]

Dad of fraternal twin boys who are close, although not as close as OP's.

OP, your twins are comforted by their proximity because it is safety and security being together. It's what they know comforts them, so they accentuate the closeness and the bonding and in some ways have come to depend on it. It is your job as their parent to help them develop their individuality and the ability to survive without the other because in the course of their lives they may have times when they have to split for various reasons, and they will need to be able to function without the other. If you haven't been working on separating them regularly and for growing periods of time, put them together for school for the first year and then work on separating them periodically, then put them in separate classrooms the following year. They should have individual time with Mom and Dad, starting with short periods, say a quick run to the store when one goes and the other stays home. Increasing it slowly until you have them separate for most of a day, or maybe one goes to visit the grandparents for Saturday night one weekend and the other goes for Saturday night the next weekend. They will still be bonded and comforted by each other. But they will be able to function and enjoy life without each others so when life circumstances separate them, they will be able to cope. One of the worst situations is where each twin will hold the other back in some way (say one is slightly more advanced academically, but will not push herself to achieve to avoid being separate from the twin, or one has an opportunity for something good like a trip, but will decline to stay with the twin, etc).

It is part of parental responsibility to help mature your children and with twins, teaching them to know and understand their individuality while still cherishing their "twinness" is part of that responsibility.

[Anonymous]

I would keep together for K and find ways for them to be independent outside of school - different classes, etc. Then split for 1st.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP can't tell from your post, but if this is their first year of school i would keep them together. as twin mom of fraternal girls we have kept them together so far for two years (switched schools so thought it would be a good transition). I think for identicals it is much harder because teachers treat them as interchangeable or a unit (I already see teachers do that with my fraternals who are very different). But give it time. We found that just being around other kids more for a year or two started a natural evolution.

One thing that helped us also was being sure to do things separately with the individual kids, it helps them to develop their own interests that they can identify with, then they're differentiating because they want to, not because someone is forcing them to.

They are in Pre-K now, and it's their only year of preschool. According to what we see and what their teachers say, they always include others who are playing in the same area, visually check on each other when they're playing in different sections of the room, and verbally check in with each other when they won't be visable to the other ("I'm going to the bathroom" etc.). They often aim to sit at the same table for snack time, but if there's no more room one will sit at a different table without a problem (though again, checking in visually).

So far only one friend has ever invited only one. They truly could not understand why this would happen at first. Then the invited one didn't want to go because she felt the birthday child had been mean to her sister. We finally convinced her to go, and she had a good time for the two hours. Though as always when they reunited they hugged and "I missed you so much!"

There are several problems with this, both for them and for their peers. Not only do they need to learn to be individuals, but it also isn't fair to their classmates who have to deal with two of them at the same time. For preschool children, some can feel inferior of intimidated by the combination of the twins. It is better for many reasons to separate them, but you need to do so gradually so that they become accustomed to being without the other. This is not something to do cold turkey, just separating them on the first day of school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you two parents sound like total whimps. Seems like the children are running the show in your house.

You post this on every. Single. Effing. Thread. Learn how to spell wimp, and perhaps you'll be less identifiable. You harpy. Or middle-aged, bald jackass hanging out in his parents' basement.

+1

soooo annoying!

[Anonymous]

I don't know. We kept our twins together for K and 1 and then separated in 2 forward. The school was very supportive and I didn't see a need to rush things. My kids also shared a room until they turned 8. It's not a big deal unless you make it one. Go with what feels right, not what you think you are supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you two parents sound like total whimps. Seems like the children are running the show in your house.

You post this on every. Single. Effing. Thread. Learn how to spell wimp, and perhaps you'll be less identifiable. You harpy. Or middle-aged, bald jackass hanging out in his parents' basement.

Yes, you do repeat this a lot. You sound like the maiden aunt who has never had children, but always knows more about child rearing than the parents do.

[Anonymous]

OP, here's my perspective as an identical twin. My parents always made sure to put us in separate classes, starting in preschool. I really think that this helped me and my sister have a good balance of independence (including separate and shared friends) and the closeness of a twin bond. We had our own bedrooms from the time we were toddlers, but we shared a room on the weekends. I think that it is a good idea to do what you can to encourage baby steps toward a small amount of independence and separation.

[Anonymous]

I am a twin. We are 35 years old now and live normal, wonderful, functional lives with big careers, spouses, and children of our own. To this day, I know how he is at all times. It is an awareness I cannot shake, nor do I want to. He is my other half and I don't know life any other way. Your twins are not too close. They are being themselves. Don't interfere.

[Anonymous]

I don't have twins so I have no experience but this is the most adorable thing I've ever heard. I would let them stay in the same class

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me wish that I had twins. What a special experience for the twins as well as the parents!

[Anonymous]

The are close and they should be close. That doesn't make them brats, it makes tem siblings. They will have sooo many more years of being apart, let them embrace this time together now. That said, I do think school is a healthy enviornment to find their independence. They need to grow as individuals. I would also "blame" it on administration.

[Anonymous]

It breaks my heart to think of them being forcibly separated. I have twins and belong to a twins forum, and the accepted consensus is to respect the twin bond until and unless there is demonstrated reason not to. For all you know, they will excel being together in class. Many of my friends have had to cite state laws in order to keep their twins together. I hope you will let your girls stay in the same classroom. They sounds wonderful and very healthy.

[Anonymous]

I have identical twin boys and my boys love sharing a room. They are age 7. They also were in the same preschool class, K and 1st classes (small school). Now in 2nd, they have a couple of classes separately.

I think your twins' "closeness" is typical. At age 2.5, of course they want to keep sharing a room.

My boys also play together most of the time. They also like to wear matching outfits sometimes. Not all the time, but when they were ages 2 - 4, they got a big kick out of this.

I don't think you should dwell on this at all. I think by making a big deal of it and constantly telling them to be individuals, you are making it worse.

My boys have totally different personalities and they are best friends. We treat them as the different people they are, but they are together a lot and I think that is okay.