Are my twins too close? (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

Our identical twins have always been very close. To be honest, DH and I think it's a bit closer than most identical twins, and we're not sure if it's somehow too close. When they were infants, they shared a crib. Then they shared a room. When we moved to a house with enough bedrooms for them to have their own, they insisted they wanted to share (at age 2.5). Every half a year or so, we ask if they want to have separate rooms, and they say no. We ask individually. They always want to buy the same clothes. We have convinced them to wear the same styles but different colors, and they have convinced us to let them wear identical pjs. They always want to eat the same thing. If I offer oatmeal and one makes a face, the other will say to her "do you want to want something else? we could want eggs," and then they will deliver their verdict as a unit. "we would like eggs instead of oatmeal." They want to take all the same classes, together. They will physically separate, but never for more than a couple of hours. When they go to sleep at night they say "good night I love you" and in the mornings they hug and say "I missed you so much". When they play they play the same thing probably about 50% of the time, and if they're playing different things, they do them near each other.

This fall they start kindergarten. DH and I told them today, separately, that we're going to put them in the same school but different classrooms, and each had the same reaction. Hysterically crying and begging to be together, saying they'd miss the other terribly, they don't want to go if they can't be together. Neither was home while the other was told, so it's not as if one was copying the other's reaction.

I want school to be a good and happy experience for them. Should we just let them be in the same class? The school said it's up to us. Are they too close? Is that possible?

[Anonymous]

I can't answer you fully, as I have B/G twins who are almost 4, but mine sound similar on a lot of fronts -- and they are fraternal and B/G! They still share a room (refuse to split up) and don't really like to take classes apart from each other.

They are in separate classes at school and they (obviously) don't dress alike- though if one gets a new item, the other want theirs. They have divergent interests and friends, but honestly prefer each others' company to almost everyone elses'.

However - You NEED to split them up. They are going to be forced to be individuals in this world and they need to start practicing it. This is an important skill.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but you two parents sound like total whimps. Seems like the children are running the show in your house.

[Anonymous]

Can you blame it on the administration?

[Anonymous]

Are they in a prek class together, or is this their first intro to school every day? Maybe let them do kindergarten together but split them up for first?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you two parents sound like total whimps. Seems like the children are running the show in your house.

For OP, not PP.

[Anonymous]

Couple of thoughts: I think it's totally okay that they've been super close, especially early in life. That being said, I think it's good to encourage individual development as well and in general, I think it's better for twins to be in different classes at school.

As a parent, I think you just have to be tolerate and empathize with their distress - this does not mean you relent because they're upset, it means you reflect their feelings back to them, help reassure them, etc. For future reference, you may not always want to tell them about things like this so far in advance - in a way, I think it can make it into something bigger than it already is, and who knows, they could be in a completely different place in another six months. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It's not a twin thing, it's a brat thing. They are brats. They need to be separate classrooms. They are twins but they are individuals. As far as the sharing the same bed, if it's not a big deal to you, let it be. If it is, put your foot down, and separate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you two parents sound like total whimps. Seems like the children are running the show in your house.

For OP, not PP.

PP here. Ha. I do have some sympathy for OP though - twins are strange and they gang up!

That said, I think keeping them together for K is a bad idea. They will be competing for the same friends and will present to the rest of the class as "the twins" not as Larla and Darla. Let them have a few hours apart at school and let them learn to survive and flourish on their own. They need these skills.

[Anonymous]

I think they'll probably grow out of wanting to wear the same clothes, take the same classes, and so on and so forth. Lots of close little kid siblings like sharing rooms. Right now my nieces who are three years apart still get a kick out of matching outfits, so I think part of it is a little kid thing and it is sweet. That aspect I wouldn't worry about too much.

However, as far as letting them be in the same class, they'll get over it. You could blame it on the school (growing up, administrations typically made an effort not to put twins in the same class, do they still do this?), but it's probably a good time for them to learn how to be independent of one another.

[Anonymous]

It is fine that they are close but it is also good that they learn to be individuals. Part of parenting is teaching kids to handle adversity - and they have to experience it to learn how to handle it and to develop resilience. Putting them in separate classes can give them skills they won't develop if they are always together. They can still be together many hours a day but teaching them how to be apart and how to be individuals is just as important as nurturing their relationship.

[Anonymous]

I don't get where people are getting "brat" from? I am not a twin mother, but personally I would not force them to separate so young if it is causing them trauma, just because of some vague idea that they should be come more independent.

[Anonymous]

If you're not a twin or a parent of twins (especially identical twins), you need to refrain from responding. You don't get it and you never will.

[Anonymous]

21:58 here again. One tale of warning. DH is also a twin with a brother. They were in the same K. Somewhere around April the teachers noticed my BIL wasn't reading well. When they asked him about it in an effort to work with him BIL replied, "That's OK, I don't have to read. DH does all the reading."

Being close is fine. Being codependent isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not a twin thing, it's a brat thing. They are brats. They need to be separate classrooms. They are twins but they are individuals. As far as the sharing the same bed, if it's not a big deal to you, let it be. If it is, put your foot down, and separate.

OP here. Just to be clear, they don't share the same bed. They each have their own twin bed.