Are my twins too close? (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. We kept our twins together for K and 1 and then separated in 2 forward. The school was very supportive and I didn't see a need to rush things. My kids also shared a room until they turned 8. It's not a big deal unless you make it one. Go with what feels right, not what you think you are supposed to do.

I posted earlier. I have identical twin boys age 7. My teacher friend told me that the new thinking on twins and classes is - keep them together until 2nd or 3rd grade. That is what we have done and it has worked well. My boys are not co-dependent. They don't sit together and they have made lots of friends. They often play separately at recess. When they were in PreK and K, I think they played together more during school. I think twins do become more independent naturally as they get a little bit older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a twin. We are 35 years old now and live normal, wonderful, functional lives with big careers, spouses, and children of our own. To this day, I know how he is at all times. It is an awareness I cannot shake, nor do I want to. He is my other half and I don't know life any other way. Your twins are not too close. They are being themselves. Don't interfere.

Totally curious -- how do you know how he is at all times? Do you text/talk throughout the day or do you mean that it's just a feeling -- like Jon sounded pretty down this morning, I should check to see if he's having an ok day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get where people are getting "brat" from? I am not a twin mother, but personally I would not force them to separate so young if it is causing them trauma, just because of some vague idea that they should be come more independent.

This.
I think we tend to fight our kids way too much. I understand important things, but in this case- what is there to fight over?

[Anonymous]

Prepare them now. Take them on separate outings -- one with mom, one with pop ... to different locations. Do it regularly. Don't make a big deal out of it -- do it because that's what most families do some time or other when they have siblings who are different ages.

[Anonymous]

Fraternal b/b twins here. Same Montessori classroom til K; different classes from K on up. Even so we had the "T does the reading, I do the math" dynamic, which was surprisingly hard to work through. Took until midway through 3rd grade, and there are still confidence issues for both with respect to their "off" subjects (6th graders now).

[Anonymous]

Awww, keep the babies together. Start transitioning them during K by having them do separate play dates, activities, etc but don't traumatize them now. Let them stay together!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're not a twin or a parent of twins (especially identical twins), you need to refrain from responding. You don't get it and you never will.

Oh get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're not a twin or a parent of twins (especially identical twins), you need to refrain from responding. You don't get it and you never will.

Oh get over yourself.

Eh, I'm not a parent of twins, and I think the first PP is right. The only thing I'm going to say is that I found that taking my DC's concerns seriously has turned out to be a good thing. If I'd forced her into something that scared her out of some arbitrary idea that I needed to push her into independence, she would have been deeply upset if not traumatized. It also would have chipped away at her trust in me.

She's turned out to be an independent, well- adjusted, outgoing kid. I'm not a parent of twins, but based on my experience with my singleton, following the child's cues regarding what she's emotionally ready for is healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you two parents sound like total whimps. Seems like the children are running the show in your house.

For OP, not PP.

Where were you, Mean First Responder??? I can't believe you let someone else- who actually has twins- get a word in. Stop wasting time and stay focused on every DCUM thread you can possibly troll. There are women out there who need to be made to feel worse. We need you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Twin mom here with fraternal girls. Given the closeness you have described, putting them in separate classes for K could be too much separation for them at once. It isn't as if their entire sense of indepdence is created in K -- some of the previous posters need to get over themselves on that one. If you think they will truly be distressed in separate classes, why not keep them together and over the next year start having them do more things apart. See how it goes and consider separating them for first grade.

I have had many twin moms tell me their kids were in the same class all through elementary school and chose to take a few classes together all through high school. I asked each one about individuality and none seemed concerned.

+1 Also twin mom. We kept ours together in preschool b/c the better teacher (we had amazing preschool teachers) They will eventually grow apart in ES. I don't know if their K experience needs to be so traumatic. There is time for separation later. But your twins could just be expressing "fear of K" which is common. There is no need to be rough with your twins...they will gradually grow apart. Mine graduating HS now -- in HS they really changed into very different people without input from the family.

[Anonymous]

In our preschool (Bethesda) we had 3 sets of twins in the same class. Worked out fine. In college now -- different colleges..

[Anonymous]

I don't have twins, but am a fraternal twin myself. My sister and I are very, very close and I do think that we became co-dependent on each other, not as kids, but as adults. We alternated between being in the same class together and being split up. I will say that people still refer to us as "the twins," which is both annoying and endearing.

Just from what my own kindergartener has gone through this year, I would say it's not a terrible idea to split them up. They'll have to meet new people, which is a part of life, but they still get to hold onto their relationship outside of class. It's not like you're sending them to different boarding schools! I had kind of worried about this for my own kids, who are under 2 years apart and very close too. I wondered how them going to different schools would affect their relationship, but it turned out to be just fine. Nothing changed, actually. Btw, they ask to sleep in the same room too (we don't let them b/c they'd never fall asleep).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're not a twin or a parent of twins (especially identical twins), you need to refrain from responding. You don't get it and you never will.

Oh get over yourself.

Eh, I'm not a parent of twins, and I think the first PP is right. The only thing I'm going to say is that I found that taking my DC's concerns seriously has turned out to be a good thing. If I'd forced her into something that scared her out of some arbitrary idea that I needed to push her into independence, she would have been deeply upset if not traumatized. It also would have chipped away at her trust in me.

She's turned out to be an independent, well- adjusted, outgoing kid. I'm not a parent of twins, but based on my experience with my singleton, following the child's cues regarding what she's emotionally ready for is healthy.

I agree with this totally, and I have twins. OP - I would say that you should trust your gut instincts and your knowledge of your kids. I don't think separating them is important enough to warrant trauma or pain. There will be plenty of time for them to be separated, I'd let them dictate the pace and keep a careful eye on how they're doing academically and socially to see if you see an emerging need for more separation. I also like another poster's suggestions about how to gradually start having separate activities with them - I think that's a gentle and appropriate way to get them a little more comfortable functioning well away from each other.

But most of all, trust your own instincts. Your kids are unique - you are best qualified to determine what is best for them.

[Anonymous]

OP, as ES went on we noticed that there are usually only one "great" teacher per grade. We kept ours together for this reason. Worked out fine for us. I thought that there was way too much emphasis on separating twins. 25 States agree with this and has passed laws allowing you to keep your twins together if you as a parent determine it is in their best interest. Just keep watch and go with your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know identical twins in their 50s. They work together in the same field, and work for the same company in the same unit. They live together (never married), take vacation days together, work at home on the same days...They do dress differently but because they do everything else the same, they are interchangeable. I have b/g twins and see the lack of respect senior management has for these identical twins simply because they are so "identical". I think no one understands the relationship that identical twins have except for identical twins. However, looking down the road, allowing them to grow as individuals out of the home and allowing them to be together in the home seems like a good balance while still respecting their wishes. That said, my b/g twins are exactly like the PP's b/g twins - they do everything together and prefer it that way.

My mom is this kind of twin. She has lived with her identical twin her entire adult life, married or not. They have some separate interests, but not really. They are deeply connected, there's no way around it. I think OP can encourage separation, slowly and gently. If the twins insist, keep encouraging and try not to traumatize them. I think that's the best route, having seen some deep codependency. I don't know about K, I would go with the school or teacher's recommendations.