Are my twins too close? (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

I'm not a twin, but I do have a sister only 12m. older than me. To this day, DH teases me because when I talk about my childhood, I very often use the pronoun "we" instead of "I." My sister and I are both functional adults who live 3h away from each other...but talk on the phone every day!

[Anonymous]

I thought that the current research indicated that twins should be kept together, at least in the lower levels?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, but you two parents sound like total whimps. Seems like the children are running the show in your house.

Obviously not a parent of twins.

[Anonymous]

Twin mom of b/g twins who are 12 and still really close. They definitely want to be separated in school now and have their own space but they also look out for each other and worry about each other. In any event, fwiw, I think that you should keep the girls together for K and really work on developing individual interests and preparing them for separating in 1st. And if they aren't ready in 1st, then separate in 2nd. Move at their pace. If it is a larger elementary, the school may do pull outs based on reading or math levels, so they may not always be together and will start to get used to being separated. Hopefully, your school will help you with this and you may want to find a therapist who you can see occasionally for tips (just tips -- not at all suggesting that there is a problem with your girls) over the next year to help with the transition. I think your daughters sound so sweet and that their bond is lovely. Don't listen to the posters who are criticizing your girls. Twins are special and I love reading posts like yours .

[Anonymous]

Keep them together. Seperate slowly over the next few years. In the meantime try and develop separate interests with them or time without one another (dad takes one, you take the other).

They were the same embryo. Then they shared a womb. That is a connection that no one but an identical twin will get. They are clones of one another. Fraternal twins are as close to that relationship as we can get and I don't even get mine all the time.

We have 5 sets of a fraternal twins in my family and 1 identical (that freaked us out). The twin sets talk EVERY day. Every day. Even the 60 year olds. They don't live in the same city but will know when the other is upset and call right away. It is amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you read this book? It has really helped us gain perspective. Being an identical twin is very intense - they were one embryo for a few days before they split! That still boggles my mind. Anyhow, this book addresses all of these issues:

One and the Same: My Life as an Identical Twin and What I've Learned About Everyone's Struggle to Be Singular by Abigail Pogrebin

Link: http://amzn.com/B0085SC84U

I haven't read all the responses but was going to recommend this book, too. I don't have twins but the main thing I gleaned from the book was that twins need an identity separate and apart from each other. So many of the twins interviewed said they really wished they had had individual attention from parents, teachers, etc. And so many of the ones profiled in the book talked about the intense competition between twins. Based on all of that, I think splitting them up is the best in the long run, even if they don't like it in the short run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have twins so I have no experience but this is the most adorable thing I've ever heard. I would let them stay in the same class

I know. So cute!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It breaks my heart to think of them being forcibly separated. I have twins and belong to a twins forum, and the accepted consensus is to respect the twin bond until and unless there is demonstrated reason not to. For all you know, they will excel being together in class. Many of my friends have had to cite state laws in order to keep their twins together. I hope you will let your girls stay in the same classroom. They sounds wonderful and very healthy.

I do not have twins and I am not a twin, so feel free to completely discount this. However, I have some background in child development, so as is the DCUM way, I will share a couple of thoughts.

First, you can ask for separate classrooms and still respect the twin bond. Five year-olds don't necessarily know what is best for them; they know what is familiar and comfortable. Second, I see nothing wrong with them sharing a room and doing the other things you described (mostly). You can ask for separate classrooms and still let them share a room, etc. I do wonder about "Do you want oatmeal? We could want oatmeal instead." They need to become comfortable thinking of themselves as separate people, with separate wants, needs, interests, friends, etc. I don't think you need to directly address that, but be aware of it because of what other posters said (e.g., Larla does the math, I do the reading. Larla wants oatmeal so I need to want oatmeal.)

The twin bond you've described here sounds very precious. Different classrooms would give them "spaces in their togetherness," and they will still have most of their waking and sleeping hours to be together. I think it's great that you've actually thought about this. (On a side note, I know a mom who has two boys and she dresses them alike, homeschools them, has them wear identical long hair and glasses, has them both play the same musical instrument and take Suzuki lessons together, and generally seems to encourage a twin-like bond for some reason. They spend no time apart at ages 8 and 6. I think children do need some space to be themselves, pursue their own interests and be separate people, so good for you for gently encouraging that.)

Again, feel free to disregard any and all of my post. You sound like a lovely family with lovely children. You are very fortunate! ?

[Anonymous]

It's hard on the teacher to tell identical twins apart. That is why people act like twins are "a unit". If you do decide to have them in the same class, then have the twins have very different hair styles, like one short, one long. My DD was in a basketball team with a set of identical twins. The coach would just call them "twins" during practice because how could anyone tell them apart? Same haircut, same hair style, similar clothes.

My vote is to have them apart in kindergarten. I bet on or both of your daughters is just not trying to make friends because she has her sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get where people are getting "brat" from? I am not a twin mother, but personally I would not force them to separate so young if it is causing them trauma, just because of some vague idea that they should be come more independent.

This. Please don't make them separate just because YOU thinks their relationship should be a bit different. They sound happy together and they are very very young. Let them be, and if you decide to put them in different classes later on, don't ask them, just try it and see how it goes. You an always change things later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard on the teacher to tell identical twins apart. That is why people act like twins are "a unit". If you do decide to have them in the same class, then have the twins have very different hair styles, like one short, one long. My DD was in a basketball team with a set of identical twins. The coach would just call them "twins" during practice because how could anyone tell them apart? Same haircut, same hair style, similar clothes.

My vote is to have them apart in kindergarten. I bet on or both of your daughters is just not trying to make friends because she has her sister.

They are people and by that age should have some say over what their hair looks like, if they want different styles then do that. If they want the same then do that.

[Anonymous]

At some point they have to separate. It doesn't have to be in K. But maybe try to get Polly to wear polka dots and Sally wears stripes (headband, shirts, socks,anything)? Just don't be upset when people don't/can't/won't differentiate between them.

[Anonymous]

I think it's really sweet. I'm not sure I understand the objection. Until one of the twins demonstrates that she's stifled by the relationship or is being held back in some way, i.e., there's an actual problem, why would you interfere? If the school separates them, so be it, that's life. But especially in K when they're just getting used to school, I don't see the harm in keeping them together.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everybody, for weighing in with your opinions. DH and I talked long into the night, and again over breakfast. We're going to keep them in the same class for kindergarten. I have never seen them so upset about anything in their lives, and it seems like there's no good reason to force it.

We will continue physically separating the girls throughout the day in short bursts of time. They are still happy to wear the same clothes so we will continue insisting on different colors of the same thing so others can know for the day which girl is which.

I am picking up that book about twins from the library today.

[Anonymous]

Why are you telling them they'll be separated when kindergarten is 9 months away? Kids change a lot in that amount of time, by then it may be less of an issue. And I wouldn't put it as "we've decided..." But just say, "you will be in different classrooms, but will have lunch, recess, etc together.

Our school always separates twins, as far as I've seen.