Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am just a year behind you in age but in a far different circumstance. I am a full-time working mom in a high stress and sometimes long hours profession. My children are in elementary school and the first year of middle school respectively.

I do not think for one second that when I get to where you are - having packed the last one off to college - I will in any way be "meh" about it. My sadness may be different than yours, though. I may feel I missed too much and now my chance will be gone. I really worry about that. I really worry that is how I will feel.

You were there. You lived it. You got to be the best mom you possibly could be every minute of the day. You are now sad about what is next. What is next is your promotion. Your promotion to new interests and new causes and the new (and maybe some old) things that make you you. Your next project is yourself.

I felt compelled to post because of some of the bizarre working mom posts above. This working momma gets it and says "Well done!" for getting to where you are. Therapy is certainly an option, or perhaps a life coach type person to help you find your first task on the new project that is you.

You have done a great job at your job. You have launched them. It will be hard to change course, and unbearably sad in the beginning, but they are not gone. Neither are you, and they know that. So keep inspiring, My MIL shamed DH and I into running a marathon when she took them up herself at age 58. The ways in which you lead and show the way and become your best self are a little different perhaps than the "hold hands when we cross the street" days, but you have not lost your ability to be a trusted confident and an inspiration. Go get 'em.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am just a year behind you in age but in a far different circumstance. I am a full-time working mom in a high stress and sometimes long hours profession. My children are in elementary school and the first year of middle school respectively.

I do not think for one second that when I get to where you are - having packed the last one off to college - I will in any way be "meh" about it. My sadness may be different than yours, though. I may feel I missed too much and now my chance will be gone. I really worry about that. I really worry that is how I will feel.

You were there. You lived it. You got to be the best mom you possibly could be every minute of the day. You are now sad about what is next. What is next is your promotion. Your promotion to new interests and new causes and the new (and maybe some old) things that make you you. Your next project is yourself.

I felt compelled to post because of some of the bizarre working mom posts above. This working momma gets it and says "Well done!" for getting to where you are. Therapy is certainly an option, or perhaps a life coach type person to help you find your first task on the new project that is you.

You have done a great job at your job. You have launched them. It will be hard to change course, and unbearably sad in the beginning, but they are not gone. Neither are you, and they know that. So keep inspiring, My MIL shamed DH and I into running a marathon when she took them up herself at age 58. The ways in which you lead and show the way and become your best self are a little different perhaps than the "hold hands when we cross the street" days, but you have not lost your ability to be a trusted confident and an inspiration. Go get 'em.

Its me OP and I want to thank everyone for your kind words (most of them) I could be peri menopausal, yes and of course that could explain the crying bouts and extreme sadness too. To the above poster, thank you for this post. It really touched my heart and showed me this position from a different perspective. I appreciate your kindness and words of confidence. I know this will not be easy and to think this time next year we will be packing up my son, the baby for college is both incredibly exciting (for him) but really sad for me. I guess having done pretty much the same thing for 25 years now, its going to feel totally new and frightening to pretty much take anything on. A friend suggested writing a blog which I may start doing, she said its really therapeutic and cathartic to connect with other like minded people. I am not one to rush to a doctor so that's the last resort but I am not opposed to meds if it will lift me out of this funk. I look forward to going back over the many ideas and its comforting to know I am not alone.

[Anonymous]

Love the post by the 26-year-old! My oldest is 27 and my other kids are almost finished with college, and I'm just in my mid-forties--so I totally identify with you, OP. All I can say is that I'm reading along with you & hoping for consolation. (((hugs)))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am just a year behind you in age but in a far different circumstance. I am a full-time working mom in a high stress and sometimes long hours profession. My children are in elementary school and the first year of middle school respectively.

I do not think for one second that when I get to where you are - having packed the last one off to college - I will in any way be "meh" about it. My sadness may be different than yours, though. I may feel I missed too much and now my chance will be gone. I really worry about that. I really worry that is how I will feel.

You were there. You lived it. You got to be the best mom you possibly could be every minute of the day. You are now sad about what is next. What is next is your promotion. Your promotion to new interests and new causes and the new (and maybe some old) things that make you you. Your next project is yourself.

I felt compelled to post because of some of the bizarre working mom posts above. This working momma gets it and says "Well done!" for getting to where you are. Therapy is certainly an option, or perhaps a life coach type person to help you find your first task on the new project that is you.

You have done a great job at your job. You have launched them. It will be hard to change course, and unbearably sad in the beginning, but they are not gone. Neither are you, and they know that. So keep inspiring, My MIL shamed DH and I into running a marathon when she took them up herself at age 58. The ways in which you lead and show the way and become your best self are a little different perhaps than the "hold hands when we cross the street" days, but you have not lost your ability to be a trusted confident and an inspiration. Go get 'em.

Not the OP here, but this thread has been awesome (mostly), esp this post. This is why I read DCUM. This has been inspirational to read.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mother had a really difficult time with her children growing up and leaving home. She could have benefited so much from therapy and/or medication. Perhaps even more so, her kids would have benefited tremendously if she had done so because her depression/anxiety/inability to let go really affected us in a profoundly negative way. If you have trouble getting yourself motivated to see someone and do something about this, maybe think of your children and how your mental state affects them.

And start thinking of exciting plans for this new phase in your life - to volunteer or get a job, etc. so that you can see you have so much to give beyond your role as mother.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. I'm not there yet but know its coming in a few years. My sister us a daughter who has never been able to leave home due to depression and aspergers. What she would give to have an emotionally healthy child ready to fly the coup. Maybe it helps to remember that at least you will have some freedom once you're feeling better. Some parents never do. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My husband is in his 50s and his mother is *still* an emotionally needy mess every single time we spend time with her and leave. He hasn't lived in her home for 30+ years and she still sobs and clutches and grabs at us every. single. time. we leave after a visit. It is really irritating and annoying and I can't say that I understand it or that I have single dollop of empathy for her. So whatever you may be feeling on the inside, OP, don't let it escalate to where it impacts your relationship with your children -- especially your sons. Once they get married, their wives will be either subtly or not so subtly dictating how her family's time is spent and if you annoy her your allotted time will be greatly reduced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is in his 50s and his mother is *still* an emotionally needy mess every single time we spend time with her and leave. He hasn't lived in her home for 30+ years and she still sobs and clutches and grabs at us every. single. time. we leave after a visit. It is really irritating and annoying and I can't say that I understand it or that I have single dollop of empathy for her. So whatever you may be feeling on the inside, OP, don't let it escalate to where it impacts your relationship with your children -- especially your sons. Once they get married, their wives will be either subtly or not so subtly dictating how her family's time is spent and if you annoy her your allotted time will be greatly reduced.

Wow, you lost me at the end. You dictate how much time your husband can spend with his mother? You can cut him off? I get that your MIL has major issues, but how much time he spends with her is really his call. You can just decline to go.

[Anonymous]

Let me clarify. I do not dictate how much time he spends with his mother at all. He is free to go see her at any time for as long as he wants. And he is free to take our child with him whenever he likes and for any length of time. If I don't plan a visit or an outing, it doesn't happen. He has no interest in spending time with her given her emotional neediness. If she weren't such an emotional black hole, I would be far more inclined to work her into the schedule. She bugs the hell out of me. My husband turns into a frowning angry lump during and after any time spent with her. My time on this earth is short so I am not wasting it trying to make her happy because I can't. So I plan Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 3 birthdays with her. That's plenty. If my husband is pining for more time with his mother (he's not) he is more than capable of making the plans and executing them.

[Anonymous]

Widow here. When I became an empty nester, I was delighted to find that I went straight to the top of my to-do list. It's like being a teenager, but now I have a lot more money. And I can have sex with my boyfriend anywhere I want in my house. Fantastic!

[Anonymous]

It's normal OP, my children are over 21 and I'm a grandma now and in my 40s. One DC moved cross country earlier this year. I miss having them around so much. Am so thrilled one DC is still frequently at home and I get to spend a lot of time with my wonderful baby grandchild. But I miss having them around ALL the time Thinking about doing more volunteering and even taking some college classes to keep myself busy.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, I recommend a therapist who can help you sort out how much of this is "normal," whether it reaches the level of clinical depression, and how much the beginnings of menopause might be playing into it. Starting with a therapist rather than an MD of some kind will give you some space to talk things through and get a sense of what's going on overall before someone just hands you some estrogen or antidepressants and says good luck. You might benefit from that down the line, but it sounds like however you feel you could use some support in working through this transition and envisioning yourself in the next 25 years.

[Anonymous]

Op- good luck to you know it's a very difficult position but everyone does get through it and I don't say that to be insensitive but it's a reality.

I personally think the busier you are for your life is easier to transition will be. So get involved in a new activity take up a new hobby started class join a book club anyrhing that interests you to occupy your time.

Be proud of the job that you have done to have raised children that you can look at and know are successful remember the big role you played in that! That is a tremendous accomplishment.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone so quick to judge? I completely understand having a love so great for your children that everything is secondary. This mom chose to make her kids her lives work and she was fortunate to be able to stay home. They have grown and her "job" feels like it' s been done. It's same as losing a job and trying to make sense of what your next step will be. It is truly pain watching your children grow up and feeling like they no longer need you. Like any growth period love and support is needed by everyone around you to bring you to the next level.

[Anonymous]

OP have you thought of getting a dog? I know they can't replace your children but dogs are an awesome source of love and companionship.