Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?

[Anonymous]

OP come back!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was you OP. SAHM to 4 kids. She absolutely loved being a mother and raising kids. It was what she saw as her strength and her calling and what she wanted to do.

She had a very difficult time when we left home and she had an empty nest. She initially tried to other other people who didn't have family support and while that may have been beneficial in some ways, it got her into some very unhealthy dynamics. Then my brother had kids and she tried to be too over involved as grandma as a way of still being the nurturing mom. That didn't go well. She drifted about a bit lost for a few years. We tried to get her involved in all kinds of things but all she wanted to do was be a mother. She tried foster parenting but that didn't go well either.

In the end, my sister had kids and she has health problems and they depend heavily on my parents for help. As much as it exhausts my other to be caring for preschoolers, she loves being needed to raise these kids.

All that to say...definitely prepare now. figure out what you need and find other ways to meet those needs. Develop other interests and other connections and who you are as a woman vs as a mom.

Are you in my family, ha ha...?

Anyways, another poster here saying ditto to the above.

I'm a young mom, like some of the others here. I find it interesting because I wonder what I will be like when I am in your spot. There are some days I have to remind myself that the really hard stuff is part of the package, and I'll miss it--even the hard stuff--when they're grown.

But I also see my family, my mom and my mil, reflected in the PP's statement above.

My advice to them, to you:
1) focus on your health. Keep those joints strong and protected. Stay active. Be able to do the short hike, the day at Disneyworld, the trudge from the car to the beach. Notice I said short hike. No one needs you to start a running regimen! But my mom and mil have missed out on a lot, because they cannot even do little physical exertion. Or if they try, they break a bone/lag behind/experience a lot of pain.
This is a great way to focus your attention away from the kids and back to you.
2) when you have sils, let them take over on things they want to take over. (Sorry, this is a whole other huge discussion). While you're waiting for those ILs, practice being flexible, and more important, practice open communication.
3) be someone your family wants to be around. (Conversely, don't be someone your family dislikes being around). Just like in your relationships when you were younger/dating, you can't come off as too needy or desperate without driving people away. Have something interesting going on for yourself, and it will attract more.

[Anonymous]

My mother was like you. Please get a therapist and anti depression or anxiety meds. You will get through this but you need help finding your next sense of purpose.

[Anonymous]

Wow! I so know what you are talking about. I miss my kids being young so badly and I have shed a lot of tears in private over this. My wife was a stay at home mom when the kids were younger. It was heavenly. We took a lot of pictures and video. I don't care what anyone says. Once they become teenagers the magic is definitely over. My idea of Heaven would be to be perpetually a young parent with young children. They were so loving and affectionate. I know life has to move on but it sucks and people who deny that are trying to convince themselves to be happy.

I can remember picking up my baby at preshool. Walking home with her on my shoulders and when we got home I made her a nice lunch or snacks and played Candyland or Pretty, Pretty Princess---she was a little girl. It was some of the best times in my life. Like I said anyone who thinks it's wonderful when they get older is kidding themselves. You just don't have a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I so know what you are talking about. I miss my kids being young so badly and I have shed a lot of tears in private over this. My wife was a stay at home mom when the kids were younger. It was heavenly. We took a lot of pictures and video. I don't care what anyone says. Once they become teenagers the magic is definitely over. My idea of Heaven would be to be perpetually a young parent with young children. They were so loving and affectionate. I know life has to move on but it sucks and people who deny that are trying to convince themselves to be happy.

I can remember picking up my baby at preshool. Walking home with her on my shoulders and when we got home I made her a nice lunch or snacks and played Candyland or Pretty, Pretty Princess---she was a little girl. It was some of the best times in my life. Like I said anyone who thinks it's wonderful when they get older is kidding themselves. You just don't have a choice.

Aww this made me tear up. She will always be your little girl, just in a different way.

[Anonymous]

Hobbies if you don't have to work, OP. I packed my twins off to college a couple years ago, and I still can't look at the pictures of them when they were young. But now I have some things I love doing, which I never had time for as they were growing up, in addition to a part time job. I am frankly anxious for them to go back to school so I have more time to do the stuff I now do for me! You'll get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."

My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.

Give her a break. She's not trashing working moms, and she's struggling.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."

My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.

You are taking that statement completely out of context. This isn't about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I so know what you are talking about. I miss my kids being young so badly and I have shed a lot of tears in private over this. My wife was a stay at home mom when the kids were younger. It was heavenly. We took a lot of pictures and video. I don't care what anyone says. Once they become teenagers the magic is definitely over. My idea of Heaven would be to be perpetually a young parent with young children. They were so loving and affectionate. I know life has to move on but it sucks and people who deny that are trying to convince themselves to be happy.

I can remember picking up my baby at preshool. Walking home with her on my shoulders and when we got home I made her a nice lunch or snacks and played Candyland or Pretty, Pretty Princess---she was a little girl. It was some of the best times in my life. Like I said anyone who thinks it's wonderful when they get older is kidding themselves. You just don't have a choice.

Well I have had a different experience. Each stage has been wonderful. My 13 year old is actually more fun than she was at 4.

[Anonymous]

I understand OP. You have spent essentially 1/4 of a century raising kids ... and now...they are not kids anymore. I agree w/ an earlier poster that you should try some hobbies/book clubs/exercise groups. It is really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP come back!

OP posted this in 2013. It's a helpful thread for others, but hopefully she has moved on. It would be interesting to hear how she's doing 4 years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I so know what you are talking about. I miss my kids being young so badly and I have shed a lot of tears in private over this. My wife was a stay at home mom when the kids were younger. It was heavenly. We took a lot of pictures and video. I don't care what anyone says. Once they become teenagers the magic is definitely over. My idea of Heaven would be to be perpetually a young parent with young children. They were so loving and affectionate. I know life has to move on but it sucks and people who deny that are trying to convince themselves to be happy.

I can remember picking up my baby at preshool. Walking home with her on my shoulders and when we got home I made her a nice lunch or snacks and played Candyland or Pretty, Pretty Princess---she was a little girl. It was some of the best times in my life. Like I said anyone who thinks it's wonderful when they get older is kidding themselves. You just don't have a choice.

Well I have had a different experience. Each stage has been wonderful. My 13 year old is actually more fun than she was at 4.

My kids are 15 and 17 and I would not want to return to earlier years. I love my teens! They are such interesting people now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should think about trying to get a job. This is not that difficult. Kids grow up, they move on, they get married and start spending Christmases with their inlaws. Time to buck up.

NP here. Always thought this was a cold response. Glad I'm not your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone so quick to judge? I completely understand having a love so great for your children that everything is secondary. This mom chose to make her kids her lives work and she was fortunate to be able to stay home. They have grown and her "job" feels like it' s been done. It's same as losing a job and trying to make sense of what your next step will be. It is truly pain watching your children grow up and feeling like they no longer need you. Like any growth period love and support is needed by everyone around you to bring you to the next level.

Are you knew to the internet?? WHy would you post a response to a 4 yr old thread, leading others to think it's new? Good grief.

[Anonymous]

therapy is needed