Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."

My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.

This is not about you PP. We know how fabulous you are, but everything does not relate to you and your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a mom in my 30s with young kids but clicked on this thread out of interest. I'm always surprised at how quickly people jump on "go to therapy!" I think this atttitude is why so many people take anti-depressants when they don't really need to (see recent articles about this), because they have the attitude that any sadness or any depressed feelings are wrong and need to be suppressed. They also can't imagine getting through it on their own, through self-reflection, or reading, or talking with friends. So they run to pay a stranger and fill a prescription.

It is normal and natural to have feelings of sadness or depression that come and go, as long as you are not overwhelmed all the time with this. I haven't gone through what you are going through, but it seems completely natural that you would be struggling with this, and I do not think you need to pay someone to tell you this. How could you NOT be sad and even devestated to have your children out of your home, and this stage of your life over? It would be messed up if you WEREN'T feeling this way. You're going through what most parents go through (read Michael Gerson's recent oped in the washington post for reassurance on this, about his kid going off to college). Also, it is probably a bit harder for you as a SAHM, since you have devoted all of your time to your children. There's more of a gap to fill now.

I think you need to accept that this is a major change, and that there will be feelings of sadness, but a new stage is opening up, and there will be positive change with it. Maybe a therapist could help you look at it positively. But I think this is the kind of change that you get through by talking to other moms and dads, maybe keeping a journal, but also not dwelling on it. Stop looking at all your pictures, you're only making yourself sad. Focus on the future and what comes next for you. Good luck.

It sounds like she IS overwhelmed with her sadness and depression. Maybe meds are not the answer, but it sounds like she is not coping well on her own and needs help. It is much more harmful to do what you are doing--tell her, essentially, that nobody healthy needs help (Your "why pay a therapist"?), than it is to suggest that talking to a therapist might be a good, positive step for her.

Your first paragraph goes out of its way to trash people who take medication. It is not helpful. It is not your job to police whether other people "need" medication. That's up to them and their doctors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."

My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.

New poster here who thinks you're a bitch.

[Anonymous]

I am 50. I was an empty nester at 45. My kids are all out of the house and making their way through the ups and downs of young adult life. (They are all girls). I was a SAHM too and have zero regrets on that front at all. That is what helped me to let go. I was confident at 45 that I did everything I could to give them the launch in life that I wanted them to have. So when I look back at the memorabilia from days gone by, it's with a sense of the sweetness of those days and years, not a sense of acute sadness. I do feel like "job well done!" and that I am being promoted now, as one poster said. I did grieve, for sure, but I handled it by being available to my girls when they wanted to connect. Annual mother/daughter weekends with each, visits to their campuses now and then, texting to the extent they want to (each is different that way). I also slowly added things into my life. I work two days a week now, exercise more, and have pursued other hobbies more in-depth. My marriage has blossomed in ways we never foresaw and ways that weren't even there as young honeymooners years ago. The empty nest has been awesome for our marriage (read the previous post from the widow and you'll get a sense of some of the ways it gets better!). Really, I am so looking forward to the decades of adventure ahead, as much as I enjoyed the decades of caregiving behind. Being 50 and an empty nester, I do feel like I am on the brink of a decade of discovery and adventure. I plan to be a hands-on grandparent down the road, if that is what my kids and their partners would like, as I didn't have that when raising my own children. But the grandparent years are far away and they may never come. Who knows. But right now, I feel like I am in the harvest years and my DH and I are thoroughly loving it and loving each other honestly more than we could or did while we were raising kids. There were only so many hours in a day.

I do wonder if OP's kids are boys (I think she said that) and maybe they are in a stage of young adulthood where they aren't in touch with their parents much, which is totally normal and has added to her grief. Sometimes girls may stay in touch more at that stage (?) and drift away later (or earlier, or never). In my small sample size of empty-nester friends, the boys are somewhat less in touch with their parents than the girls. It's an old stereotype, but seems to have a bit of truth in it.

Anyway, the sun is still shining, OP. Let it shine in your life and model for your kids that you are able to reinvent yourself! We are all unfinished people as we go through life and each stage gives us new opportunities. Seize them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is in his 50s and his mother is *still* an emotionally needy mess every single time we spend time with her and leave. He hasn't lived in her home for 30+ years and she still sobs and clutches and grabs at us every. single. time. we leave after a visit. It is really irritating and annoying and I can't say that I understand it or that I have single dollop of empathy for her. So whatever you may be feeling on the inside, OP, don't let it escalate to where it impacts your relationship with your children -- especially your sons. Once they get married, their wives will be either subtly or not so subtly dictating how her family's time is spent and if you annoy her your allotted time will be greatly reduced.

This is so true. My MIL does the same thing and I force my DH to spend time with her even though he absolutely hates the way his mother carries on every time we leave. It is never enough for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a mom in my 30s with young kids but clicked on this thread out of interest. I'm always surprised at how quickly people jump on "go to therapy!" I think this atttitude is why so many people take anti-depressants when they don't really need to (see recent articles about this), because they have the attitude that any sadness or any depressed feelings are wrong and need to be suppressed. They also can't imagine getting through it on their own, through self-reflection, or reading, or talking with friends. So they run to pay a stranger and fill a prescription.

It is normal and natural to have feelings of sadness or depression that come and go, as long as you are not overwhelmed all the time with this. I haven't gone through what you are going through, but it seems completely natural that you would be struggling with this, and I do not think you need to pay someone to tell you this. How could you NOT be sad and even devestated to have your children out of your home, and this stage of your life over? It would be messed up if you WEREN'T feeling this way. You're going through what most parents go through (read Michael Gerson's recent oped in the washington post for reassurance on this, about his kid going off to college). Also, it is probably a bit harder for you as a SAHM, since you have devoted all of your time to your children. There's more of a gap to fill now.

I think you need to accept that this is a major change, and that there will be feelings of sadness, but a new stage is opening up, and there will be positive change with it. Maybe a therapist could help you look at it positively. But I think this is the kind of change that you get through by talking to other moms and dads, maybe keeping a journal, but also not dwelling on it. Stop looking at all your pictures, you're only making yourself sad. Focus on the future and what comes next for you. Good luck.

"Go to therapy" is different from "get medicated". You say yourself that maybe a therapist could help. There is nothing wrong with paying someone to talk through issues and suggest ways of dealing with them. It's simple minded to say, "think positively." One day your life may be affected by feelings that don't go away with the power of positive thinking.

[Anonymous]

My mom was you OP. SAHM to 4 kids. She absolutely loved being a mother and raising kids. It was what she saw as her strength and her calling and what she wanted to do.

She had a very difficult time when we left home and she had an empty nest. She initially tried to other other people who didn't have family support and while that may have been beneficial in some ways, it got her into some very unhealthy dynamics. Then my brother had kids and she tried to be too over involved as grandma as a way of still being the nurturing mom. That didn't go well. She drifted about a bit lost for a few years. We tried to get her involved in all kinds of things but all she wanted to do was be a mother. She tried foster parenting but that didn't go well either.

In the end, my sister had kids and she has health problems and they depend heavily on my parents for help. As much as it exhausts my other to be caring for preschoolers, she loves being needed to raise these kids.

All that to say...definitely prepare now. figure out what you need and find other ways to meet those needs. Develop other interests and other connections and who you are as a woman vs as a mom.

[Anonymous]

Have you thought about becoming a teacher? Maybe at a preschool, even as an assistant, if you don't want to get certified? My mom loved being a SAHM, and she also loves teaching because of the interaction with young kids. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

^ a good idea. Many of us, even though we think we have been very good mothers, would not want a job caring for/teaching children. Op, it you would, you should consider it a calling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 50. I was an empty nester at 45. My kids are all out of the house and making their way through the ups and downs of young adult life. (They are all girls). I was a SAHM too and have zero regrets on that front at all. That is what helped me to let go. I was confident at 45 that I did everything I could to give them the launch in life that I wanted them to have. So when I look back at the memorabilia from days gone by, it's with a sense of the sweetness of those days and years, not a sense of acute sadness. I do feel like "job well done!" and that I am being promoted now, as one poster said. I did grieve, for sure, but I handled it by being available to my girls when they wanted to connect. Annual mother/daughter weekends with each, visits to their campuses now and then, texting to the extent they want to (each is different that way). I also slowly added things into my life. I work two days a week now, exercise more, and have pursued other hobbies more in-depth. My marriage has blossomed in ways we never foresaw and ways that weren't even there as young honeymooners years ago. The empty nest has been awesome for our marriage (read the previous post from the widow and you'll get a sense of some of the ways it gets better!). Really, I am so looking forward to the decades of adventure ahead, as much as I enjoyed the decades of caregiving behind. Being 50 and an empty nester, I do feel like I am on the brink of a decade of discovery and adventure. I plan to be a hands-on grandparent down the road, if that is what my kids and their partners would like, as I didn't have that when raising my own children. But the grandparent years are far away and they may never come. Who knows. But right now, I feel like I am in the harvest years and my DH and I are thoroughly loving it and loving each other honestly more than we could or did while we were raising kids. There were only so many hours in a day.

I do wonder if OP's kids are boys (I think she said that) and maybe they are in a stage of young adulthood where they aren't in touch with their parents much, which is totally normal and has added to her grief. Sometimes girls may stay in touch more at that stage (?) and drift away later (or earlier, or never). In my small sample size of empty-nester friends, the boys are somewhat less in touch with their parents than the girls. It's an old stereotype, but seems to have a bit of truth in it.

Anyway, the sun is still shining, OP. Let it shine in your life and model for your kids that you are able to reinvent yourself! We are all unfinished people as we go through life and each stage gives us new opportunities. Seize them!

Wonderful post, thank you for this! As someone who is abour 5 years behind you, I already see myself feeling some of this and found your story comforting / wonderful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is in his 50s and his mother is *still* an emotionally needy mess every single time we spend time with her and leave. He hasn't lived in her home for 30+ years and she still sobs and clutches and grabs at us every. single. time. we leave after a visit. It is really irritating and annoying and I can't say that I understand it or that I have single dollop of empathy for her. So whatever you may be feeling on the inside, OP, don't let it escalate to where it impacts your relationship with your children -- especially your sons. Once they get married, their wives will be either subtly or not so subtly dictating how her family's time is spent and if you annoy her your allotted time will be greatly reduced.

This is so true. My MIL does the same thing and I force my DH to spend time with her even though he absolutely hates the way his mother carries on every time we leave. It is never enough for her.

Ah man. Another wife with a MIL who drives her sons craaazy with this stuff. Recently while talking on the phone she started whining about how he doesn't call / visit her enough. He took a chance and was honest: Mom, you know, if you'd let me GO when I say I have to go, it would be easier to visit / call more. THAT did not go well, to say the least. And it's so unfortunate! Her clinginess majorly backfires

[Anonymous]

OP, a small suggestion. Invest time this year - your last child's last year of high school - invest in friendships w/other mothers/families that you would like to keep in contact with after HS graduation. There are nice people out there, you pass each other in the course of your kids' lives, but that will not continue. Transition these relationships to be about more than "the kids". Maybe the kids didn't know each other, that's fine. Or didn't run in the same circles or like each other, that's fine. Nurture adult friendships based on the adults themselves, not based on the high school environment.

[Anonymous]

I am six weeks away from my 40th birthday and still changing diapers. I am in a different situation from you, but I suspect if you have been a SAHM for the last two decades, feeling overwhelmed with sadness could be normal for some period of time. If it is too overwhelming, you could seek help. This sadness is understandable...your role is changing and identity is focused so much on raising kids. I suspect I may feel differently when my youngest leaves when I am 56. My identity is more wrapped up in work than motherhood. I don't care whether of not I have grandkids. If your kids are likely to have kids, enjoy some time to focus on reclaiming your identity with activities you like before becoming a grandmother. You are still young and have time to have fun!

[Anonymous]

The original post is from 4 years ago. I trust OP has worked through here concerns by now.

[Anonymous]

The post is from 4 years ago- but the issue still comes up, for other people. I have one DD, I felt a loss when she went away to college. I got over it. Then, although she had her own apt in college & for grad school out of state, and I work full-time , now that she is interviewing for jobs, I am feeling a loss again,with the transition. I know I will get over it again, but it was reassuring to read some of the posts. (Although I was surprised at how nasty and defensive some comments were from the working moms were)