Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?

[Anonymous]

I am 48 my kids are 22, 25 and 17. Yes, I got married young and started a family young. Have been incredibly blessed, great husband, very financially sound, beautiful home,etc...I devoted the last 25 years to being a stay at home mom, dabbled in small businesses here and there but being home with my kids came first.

So here's my problem. I am experiencing profound sadness and not sure if its depression or this is normal. I cry when i look at pictures of when they were younger and we went pumpkin picking or our family pictures on the beach in Hawaii, forget the fact that my youngest is a senior. I am a total basketcase. I cannot even imagine graduation day. Of course I am super proud of how they have each blossomed into wonderful and responsible adults but I have this serious and very real emptiness/void in me and I do wonder how many feel like this. I do think if I was older (many of my sons moms are well into their 50's) I might not feel this way. But I feel too young to be an empty nester and desperately miss both my role as a mother and having kids around.

Have not discussed this with friends other than in a joking sense but the truth is this is really an issue and seems to be getting worse. I sometimes feel its inconsolable and the sadness is so overwhelming. I do hide it well but its getting harder. Any advice or input (please no derogatory or insulting comments).

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to someone. This is a major transition and you are not managing it well. A good therapist can help you appreciate all you've done to raise your kids and begin planning the next half of your life.

[Anonymous]

This is a huge transition, and it sounds like you need to devote some time and energy to working through it. If anything is causing you so much pain that it is interfering with your day-to-day life, it's time to talk to a counselor. Start to explore your identity beyond motherhood.

I say this as someone whose MIL let her struggles of this nature have a real negative impact on our relationship. That didn't have to happen...start talking about these feelings with your husband, a few close friends, a professional. Work through your grief so you can enjoy the fruits of your hard work: three awesome self-sufficient kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to someone. This is a major transition and you are not managing it well. A good therapist can help you appreciate all you've done to raise your kids and begin planning the next half of your life.

This

[Anonymous]

Oh I feel your pain. So so hard to let go. I had to do the same when my baby went to college last year. I was going out of my mind walking around a big empty house. I cried for weeks then sought the help of a doctor who put me on meds. Yes the right one does wonders.

I decided to go back to school for my masters which is keeping me very busy and took up tennis again, key is to stay active both mind, body and soul. Good luck, this will pass and you will be just fine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to talk to someone. This is a major transition and you are not managing it well. A good therapist can help you appreciate all you've done to raise your kids and begin planning the next half of your life.

This

Also this.

[Anonymous]

Just remember, they'll probably have kids in the next 10 years and you'll be a very active with-it grandma. You have a lot of great times to look forward to! Also, this is normal. Not every genuine or uncomfortable feeling needs to be medicated away!

[Anonymous]

OP,

Even if it's not depression, it's still a life transition. If you are feeling profound sadness, please talk first to your doctor to rule out anything medical and then to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand, OP. Although I'm not yet there, I actually think about this situation very often. It is a huge change. You're whole role and importance in life has changed. But the other PP's are right - you need (we all need) to keep busy and find some purpose in our lives other than our kids - as hard as that might be. Think about what interests you - what you used to find interesting. Maybe go back to school or volunteer. You need to surround yourself with people. And know that it is so normal to feel like this. You have been blessed ... you ARE blessed ... but children are not with us forever. You've done a wonderful job. Now you need to do a wonderful job in another area. Your kids will really look up to you if you can find something new in your life. My friend's mother retrained as a lawyer in her 40s! But do see a doctor if you can't find the energy to push yourself into something new. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."

My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you may have issues with co-dependency.

Codependents look to fulfill themselves through other people and are uncomfortable being alone with themselves.

They don't know themselves, their feelings, needs and wants they are not able to access. So there is a void.

I'd go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel for you. I am also 48 but my kids are much younger. I married late, no kids, divorced, married again and had 3 kids. Even though I have some years to go, most of my friends are saying goodbye to at least their first child, so I have wept with them as I imagine the day my own kids will leave home. I really hope you are able to get help and really embrace the next phase in your life.

Like the pp, I do find it painful when comments like "but being home with my kids came first". I may be overly sensitive because that is my absolute dream and I have tred everything to try to make that work, without success, so far. I don't know, it somehow made me feel like you seem to believe that for working moms that doesn't come first and therefore we may not feel the loss as acutely as you do. That we are somehow less invested in our kids and will miss them less. I hope that's not how you feel but just letting you know that that is how what you said came across to me.

I really do hope you are able to move on from this. You and you kids are entering a new phase of your relationship which had its own pleasures and adventures. Enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm a mom in my 30s with young kids but clicked on this thread out of interest. I'm always surprised at how quickly people jump on "go to therapy!" I think this atttitude is why so many people take anti-depressants when they don't really need to (see recent articles about this), because they have the attitude that any sadness or any depressed feelings are wrong and need to be suppressed. They also can't imagine getting through it on their own, through self-reflection, or reading, or talking with friends. So they run to pay a stranger and fill a prescription.

It is normal and natural to have feelings of sadness or depression that come and go, as long as you are not overwhelmed all the time with this. I haven't gone through what you are going through, but it seems completely natural that you would be struggling with this, and I do not think you need to pay someone to tell you this. How could you NOT be sad and even devestated to have your children out of your home, and this stage of your life over? It would be messed up if you WEREN'T feeling this way. You're going through what most parents go through (read Michael Gerson's recent oped in the washington post for reassurance on this, about his kid going off to college). Also, it is probably a bit harder for you as a SAHM, since you have devoted all of your time to your children. There's more of a gap to fill now.

I think you need to accept that this is a major change, and that there will be feelings of sadness, but a new stage is opening up, and there will be positive change with it. Maybe a therapist could help you look at it positively. But I think this is the kind of change that you get through by talking to other moms and dads, maybe keeping a journal, but also not dwelling on it. Stop looking at all your pictures, you're only making yourself sad. Focus on the future and what comes next for you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."

My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.

Give her a break. She's not trashing working moms, and she's struggling.

[Anonymous]

You should think about trying to get a job. This is not that difficult. Kids grow up, they move on, they get married and start spending Christmases with their inlaws. Time to buck up.