Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am 48 my kids are 22, 25 and 17. Yes, I got married young and started a family young. Have been incredibly blessed, great husband, very financially sound, beautiful home,etc...I devoted the last 25 years to being a stay at home mom, dabbled in small businesses here and there but being home with my kids came first.

So here's my problem. I am experiencing profound sadness and not sure if its depression or this is normal. I cry when i look at pictures of when they were younger and we went pumpkin picking or our family pictures on the beach in Hawaii, forget the fact that my youngest is a senior. I am a total basketcase. I cannot even imagine graduation day. Of course I am super proud of how they have each blossomed into wonderful and responsible adults but I have this serious and very real emptiness/void in me and I do wonder how many feel like this. I do think if I was older (many of my sons moms are well into their 50's) I might not feel this way. But I feel too young to be an empty nester and desperately miss both my role as a mother and having kids around.

Have not discussed this with friends other than in a joking sense but the truth is this is really an issue and seems to be getting worse. I sometimes feel its inconsolable and the sadness is so overwhelming. I do hide it well but its getting harder. Any advice or input (please no derogatory or insulting comments).

I have a couple of years still, but have to force myself not even to go there with my thinking. I totally get you. I suggest taking up a hobby that is all-consuming. I personally like running, but anything that really sucks you into a lifestyle should help a bit. I know another mom who is dealing by doing tons of demanding volunteer work. You have to go out and do your own thing so that there is more in your life than there was before.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way. I was a single parent and based my entire existence on my kids. Now they are floundering as young adults and both memories of the past and hopes for the future make me utterly depressed.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's a big adjustment. I think it would be normal to get a little extra help from a therapist. Also, I have no doubt you had many beautiful times, but is there any chance you are romanticizing things? Maybe try to counterbalance by thinking about things like explosive poop diapers, toddler tantrums, tween angst and sass, teenage rebellion, etc. I am not saying to only see the bad side, just don't only focus on the best parts. Then, also start to map out this new beginning for you with hobbies, volunteer work or paid work.

[Anonymous]

I came across this whilst trying to find someone that is going through what i am going through. My boys are 18 and 21 now, they both work and live with friends. I keep having dreams that we are together and they are 4 and 2...sometimes a baby but mostly 4 and 2. I wake up crying from the dream. Its happening more and more. They were great kids and my world, they were very happy at that age and got along well. They had not been hardened or disillusioned by the world and it took next to nothing to make them happy. I will not think about it for awhile then I have a dream and when I start waking from i it I start balling because I want the dream to be real. I want to be able to appreciate them now and not be sad over something i cant change.

[Anonymous]

What about your DH? Now with kids out of the house, you two can spend more time together no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."

My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.

Give her a break. She's not trashing working moms, and she's struggling.

+1 Keep your own shit out of the discussion. This isn't about you or your choices in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm a mom in my 30s with young kids but clicked on this thread out of interest. I'm always surprised at how quickly people jump on "go to therapy!" I think this atttitude is why so many people take anti-depressants when they don't really need to (see recent articles about this), because they have the attitude that any sadness or any depressed feelings are wrong and need to be suppressed. They also can't imagine getting through it on their own, through self-reflection, or reading, or talking with friends. So they run to pay a stranger and fill a prescription.

It is normal and natural to have feelings of sadness or depression that come and go, as long as you are not overwhelmed all the time with this. I haven't gone through what you are going through, but it seems completely natural that you would be struggling with this, and I do not think you need to pay someone to tell you this. How could you NOT be sad and even devestated to have your children out of your home, and this stage of your life over? It would be messed up if you WEREN'T feeling this way. You're going through what most parents go through (read Michael Gerson's recent oped in the washington post for reassurance on this, about his kid going off to college). Also, it is probably a bit harder for you as a SAHM, since you have devoted all of your time to your children. There's more of a gap to fill now.

I think you need to accept that this is a major change, and that there will be feelings of sadness, but a new stage is opening up, and there will be positive change with it. Maybe a therapist could help you look at it positively. But I think this is the kind of change that you get through by talking to other moms and dads, maybe keeping a journal, but also not dwelling on it. Stop looking at all your pictures, you're only making yourself sad. Focus on the future and what comes next for you. Good luck.

Worst advice ever. Therapy is great. A psychiatrist gives medication, not a therapist. You know nothing.

Yes it’s a transition period and therapy is great for that because a therapist validated feelings and has seen this all before.

OP, I think you should try our therapy AND the therapist can help you come up with goals for yourself to form a new identity. You’re having a hard time imagining a future without taking care of anyone but at your age you could either start a new career or give back to the community and even work with kids again. Heck, you could even pick out some hobbies that will make you an excellent future grandma.

If you have your own life and interests, your adult children will enjoy your company much more.

[Anonymous]

Get to know God. Lead you're children to the fountain of eternal life.

[Anonymous]

Get to know God. Lead you're children to the fountain of eternal life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came across this whilst trying to find someone that is going through what i am going through. My boys are 18 and 21 now, they both work and live with friends. I keep having dreams that we are together and they are 4 and 2...sometimes a baby but mostly 4 and 2. I wake up crying from the dream. Its happening more and more. They were great kids and my world, they were very happy at that age and got along well. They had not been hardened or disillusioned by the world and it took next to nothing to make them happy. I will not think about it for awhile then I have a dream and when I start waking from i it I start balling because I want the dream to be real. I want to be able to appreciate them now and not be sad over something i cant change.

I panicked a little when my older child was about to graduate. SAHM, so I started volunteering big time and that created another outlet for my energies, even later led to a part-time job. Now I have grandchildren and I help with them part-time. Another approach that might have been better financially speaking would have been to get a full-time job and contribute more to the retirement fund.

[Anonymous]

I hated it when my kids left for college as a real passage in my life was ending. Their bedrooms, their old toys the painful silence. But my DH and I had more time for travel and doing things on the spur of the moment. Eventually we downsized to our "own" place. Now I've got grandchildren and a whole new phase is underway and it is wonderful. My children are all successful, married young adults who all live within an hour. So we "up sized" to a bigger family home and there are toys and kid gear all over the place. The only sadness is that DH and I are both not getting any younger as we'd love to see what our family looks like in 30 years.

[Anonymous]

In addition to therapy get your hormones checked. Menopause is a beast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."

My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.

This thread is not about you. She could afford to be at home and raise three kids. So she did. You choose to work to provide food and shelter for your kids. So you do. This is not a pissing contest.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is a bittersweet time in your life. The kids grow up and leave and you miss them. Your house which was such a hub of activities suddenly become empty and quite.

First of all, embrace what you are feeling. You are not crazy for feeling this way. I cried when I put away the baby clothes of my son when he became a toddler. I cried when he went to school the first time as a kindergartner. This is a normal feeling when change happens. I cried when I left my beloved apartment to move into my first house. This is basically nostalgia which is always a bit melancholy.

When I have a transition - I usually do a weekend of binge crying, tearjerkers movies, lots of icecream and popcorn and bawling my eyes out. Then I take a long nap and I am over it. You may have a different way of coping with it.

You do not have to do anything at all with how you feel for some time. You can super-organize your house, get rid of clutter, start going for a walk, look after your health, beautify your home and yard, get in shape, get a makeover, get your paperwork in order, invite people over for dinner...in other words, do not think about the kids moving away, instead just organize your life.

After some time, start doing things with your DH- find old and new hobbies. You will find that little by little you start feeling the peace that comes when you have time for yourself. If you want, you can volunteer, work part-time. travel etc. When you have grandkids, you can start helping out.

You are feeling what you are feeling and as someone said before, you have to experience the feelings too. If you cannot function at all...by all means see a therapist etc.

[Anonymous]

We are empty nesters and initially I hated the emptiness but I got over it. One thing that helped is that we live in a neighborhood with young families who we've become friends with and that's been wonderful. On a beautiful day I like to walk and I often do it pushing a stroller with one or two kids. The moms are so happy to have a break and I love the company.